How to distract America from a trainwreck

OK, how's your retirement fund doing this afternoon? The Dow lost more than 750 points on the House's rejection of the bailout (how did your member of Congress vote?) and even European banks are scrambling.

One reporter who hasn't yet been kicked off John McCain's plane says the campaign has just the ticket to get America feeling good again: They're planning Bristol Palin's and Levi Johnston's wedding.

UPDATE: Didn't work! People are still upset! McCain pulls out all the stops: He's now offered to suspend his campaign again to help resolve the Wall Street bailout crisis.