Never again: The "Crisis" of gays in America

(All photos courtesy "Crisis" book)
There are certain symbolic foods that are eaten on Rosh Hashanah or the Jewish New Year in order to sweeten the coming 12 months.

One especially popular holiday victual is the pomegranate -- with its myriad seeds -- which symbolizes righteousness (the 613 good deeds in the Jewish bible) and also fruitfulness, referential of the biblical edict to "Be fruitful and multiply." Procreation was paramount for the small tribe of ancient Hebrews if they ever hoped to grow their numbers, and in so doing, their religion.

But anyone who's eaten what some scholars consider the Garden of Eden's true forbidden fruit in the "Book of Genesis" has, along with its sweet sanguine seeds, tasted its bitter white pulp. Equally distasteful to gays and lesbians is the fruit's procreative symbolism, since the inability of a same sex union to produce offspring "justifies" religion-based homophobia to this day.

Between this, the story of Sodom & Gomorrah, and the anti-gay laws set forth in subsequent books --which many scholars today believe were actually meant to merely distance the Jews from the ritualized prostitution practiced by the pagans -- gay acceptance remains an uphill battle for young Jewish gay men.

Even though some clergy members are beginning to embrace the gays, there is still much opposition. Discrimination, bullying, ostracizing, and anti-gay hate crimes have led many to suicide. According to one survey, gay teens are four times more likely to attempt suicide than their het counterparts.

In response to this national crisis, entrepreneur Mitchell Gold of multi-million dollar furniture manufacturing company Gold + Williams fame, has published the aptly-titled anthology "Crisis: 40 Stories Revealing the Personal, Social and Religious Pain and Trauma of Growing Up Gay in America."

Among the book's compelling stories are four by Jewish contributors, including most notably Mitchell Gold, himself, award-winning independent singer-songwriter Ari Gold, and Oprah's go-to interior design guru, Nate Berkus.

Mitchell Gold, now in his early 50's, experienced his own crisis as he attempted to come to grips with his own sexuality, while growing up in suburban New Jersey in the early 60's -- where even the topic of homosexuality was still in the closet.

"It was not a good thing," he said. "My parents or brother might refer to a fag, or 'He's a queer, He's a faygele.' It wasn't that 'He's a faygele that just graduated from Harvard;' it was a bad thing. It was enough to know that they did not approve."

Between the guilt, self-hatred, and constant thoughts of suicide, it would take years for him to get a grip on his sexuality through a combination of therapy, the APA's re-classification of homosexuality, gay liberation, and more out role models. But Gold is quick to point out that in Orthodox homes, where religion is a greater part of daily life than it was in his own, it's even harder for gay teens.

"If you're Orthodox and gay, it's a big problem if you consider [homosexuality] some kind of problem in regards to your religious beliefs," he said. "If you're Reform, you will probably not have parents condemn you based on your religious beliefs. Reform Jewish parents are more concerned that you'll be harmed in society. As a result, there's a disappointed feeling when you come out. It's the whole status thing, where if you're Reform and Jewish and come out, what I've found is that parents ask, 'What are our social circle of friends going to say?' Ari Gold's story speaks to being an Orthodox Jew and gay, and listening to your Rabbi and parents telling you that you're an abomination."

True, pop star, Ari Gold, whose recent single "Where The Music Takes You" off his "Transport Systems" album reached Top 10 on Billboard's club charts, felt far less popular, as an "effeminate" high schooler, growing up in The Bronx section of New York, with a deep, dark secret that put him at odds with the Orthodox community around him.

Gold knew he was attracted to men, but in order to maintain the respect of his family, friends and religious community, he had to conceal this preference by pretending to be straight, and even dating women.

But after risking a random hook-up with an older man, his true feelings bubbled to the surface. Now, there was no turning back. Gold describes in his story how he sat his family down and broke the news to them with an 18-page letter with additional reading materials stapled to the back. "I may be a sissy, faggot...but I'm still Ari," he read out loud on that life-changing day.

"It is so like me to try and guess what negative thing someone might say or think about me before they have a chance to," he explained. "Do I see myself as a sissy or a faggot? Well as far as being a sissy, I guess it depends on the definition. If it's a boy who likes girl stuff, then yeah, I definitely am a sissy. If it's someone who is afraid to stand up for what’s right, then no, I don’t think I’m a sissy. I am from the school of thought that thinks there’s power in reclaiming words like 'faggot.' I don’t want to give bigots ownership of any language or meaning."

Fortunately for Gold, while his family may have shed tears at his announcement, they were still receptive to it. His mother even acknowledged that now that these feelings were no longer bottled up, his health, which had troubled him for so many years, might improve.

"I got stomach flus a lot as a child, and then when I was 16, the hospital I went to when I had appendicitis misdiagnosed me and I almost didn’t make it," he said. "My mother thought that perhaps all my stomach issues had to do with keeping my sexuality bottled up inside. It's an interesting theory."

With his honesty came better health, but also the self-determination to pursue his real dream of becoming a pop star instead of a student of the Torah, as his parents had hoped.

"I screamed at my mother on the eve of Rosh Hashanah that if I would have went to Israel, I probably would have committed suicide because my mother had this thing about constantly saying that she regretted me not going to Israel," he said. "It was after I came out and I think my gayness was finally sinking in for my parents and what that meant for them living in the Orthodox community. But yeah, studying Torah in Israel after high school is pretty intense and I was already very torn between Judaism and my sexuality and I don’t think it would have helped me come to terms with it. Going to NYU [to study performing arts] was far better for me."

Nate Berkus, 37, may have come out in a more liberal Jewish home, but that doesn't mean that the experience was any easier. The owner of interior design firm Nate Berkus Associates, author of the book "Home Rules: Transform the Place You Live into a Place You’ll Love," and "Oprah" regular, who is set to release a furniture collection on HSN this fall, admits in the book that growing up between conservative communities in suburban Minnesota and Orange County, California, he feared that if he came out, he would lose the love and respect of his parents.

"I grew up reformed so it's considered Jewish light by many religious Jews," he said. "I grew up in a congregation in Minnesota where tolerance and acceptance were part of the culture of the congregation. But that doesn't mean that it was easy or easier to come out."

In one particularly moving moment that he describes in the book, several years after coming out to his parents during his college years, Berkus felt compelled to explain to his father that being gay is not a choice, at a hotel airport.

"I just don't think that anybody would choose to be anything that's discriminated against," Berkus said. "You wouldn't choose to be part of any group that's fighting for their lives and that are hated if you could choose not to be. The question of homosexuality being natural or not is something that to me doesn't make sense. You can't choose who you love or choose who you're attracted to. If we could control that, think of the effect it would have on the divorce rate, or adultery, or all of these other socio issues, globally. To me it's like trying to say that you could choose not to like a certain food or not enjoy a certain activity. It doesn't make sense on any level."

Berkus came out publically on "Oprah" in January of 2005, when he described the tragedy that befell him and his then partner Fernando Bengoechea, a casualty of the 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami.

"98 percent of the people that wrote to me after the show said they were so in awe of the connection we had and our relationship," he said. "I received letters from gay teenagers, who said that I inspired them to come out of the closet, because even though I had lost what I had, they still wanted the opportunity to try and have what I had."

Currently dating Bally shoe designer Brian Atwood, Berkus has made a point to speak out about the difficulties that gays face within the Jewish community.

"I consider myself culturally Jewish in terms of what foods I like and the traditions I think are important," he said. "I would say I still feel very connected. There's a degree of understanding and likeness that I find with other Jewish people. I've spoken for the Lions of Judah -- a powerful, women's fundraising group in D.C. I've spoken for different synagogues to talk to people about issues of coming out, making decisions, and finding passions in life."

Berkus said he joined this particular project to help gay teens avoid the pain and suffering he, himself, endured by drawing attention to and opening up a dialog about this national crisis.

"I thought that it's an important message, because the title of the book accurately depicts what's happening," he said. "We think that because we have many more gay role models and more things in the mainstream media that truly don't differentiate between gay and not, that everything is OK. But it's a false sense of security and coming out is still difficult."

To ease the process, Berkus adds these words of advice to gays who want to live more truthful lives.

"I think that what matters most for your own development is honesty," he said. "You have to take an honest assessment of what you want your life to be. That's hard for people to do. As horrible as it is to be disowned for coming out, it's not as horrible as living dishonestly. Part of growing up is making choices and finding one's voice. When you find your voice and it's not a popular voice, part of growing up is standing on your own two feet and saying that this may be a terrible time for me, but at the end of the day, I refuse to sacrifice myself. I would say that as painful as this may be right now, they've done the right thing."

Gold (whose parents have successfully bypassed their own homophobia and fears of what the community might think, and are now extremely supportive of his career as an out gay artist) also hopes that telling his tale will help young gays in crisis.

"I hope that telling my story of being 16, in Yeshiva, will help other people who have had the same experience to not feel so alone and know there’s the potential for happiness and acceptance on the other side of the pain," he said. "If I can get through it, other people can as well. The book itself is also for parents, teachers and religious leaders so I hope they see how much pain and alienation is caused by homophobia which is so unnecessary."

And he also has his own words of wisdom for young gays who are currently going through the same ordeal that he went through.

"I’d say first off to plan the coming out and plan what you say," he said. "Don’t just come out in a moment of frustration or confession if you can help it. Also, realize that parents need time to process the information and that time really is the best healer, and that their first reaction will not necessarily be the last, for better or worse. And you can give them the 'Crisis' book so they can hear other stories of what it's like for gay teens and parents. There are lots of groups and organizations that can help. There is actually a list of the non-homophobic organizations in the back of the book."

As moved as readers might be by 'Crisis''s coming out stories, publisher Mitchell Gold wants to keep the attention on the crisis period that young gays face when they realize that they're gay and the many potential dangers that ensue.

"Some things have progressed and some things are much better," he admitted. "But in general, what hasn't progressed is that when people realize they're gay, they enter a crisis mode, because they know life will be more difficult and fear what their parents will say. But the difference is that people get a grip now sooner than they did 25 years ago. I didn't write about coming out stories. It's about the crisis periods that last four, five or six years as opposed to 20 years. I want America to know the harm that gays face when they're marginalized, dehumanized and don't have full and equal rights."

"I spend most of my time fighting people who abuse religion and use it in a harmful way," Gold, who also formed the Faith in America organization in 2005 to end religious-based discrimination, continued. "Part of the fire in my belly is seeing how people are so vocal, justifying their marginalizing of me based on religious beliefs -- it's an outrage. The great moral failing in our lifetime is how America treats the gay community."

If you asked Gold for his New Year's wishes, he'd undoubtedly say more anti-hate crime legislation, marriage equality, and for Obama to win the presidential election.

But Gold would prefer leaving us with a more manageable goal to chew on, that we can meet ourselves, in order to guarantee good fortune for the coming year; and it starts with something as simple as being more sensitive with our word choices.

"I'd like people to put this book in the hands of Orthodox parents, high school teachers, the people who need to know the harm they're causing, because I don't want kids to go through the pain I went through," he said. "An important thing for parents to know is that how they talk in the home about the sexual orientations of other people is determining the comfort of those who might be coming out, because the longer that it's bottled up, the more trauma that exists. It's horrible, and it's why I wrote the book."