Can Gay Men and Lesbians Be Friends?

Someone recently asked if I thought gay men and lesbians could be friends. My initial thought was, "of course we can!" I mean, what difference does it make who you're friends with? For me, I spend time with like-minded people who I find interesting and their sexual orientation really doesn't matter. But for some gay men and lesbians, never the twain shall meet—save their town's gay pride parade, which ends up being a drunken love fest where pretty much anything goes and we don't talk about it the day after (what happens at Pride...).

I find it interesting that many gay men have close relationships with straight women (I know I have loads of straight ladies in my life, but also some great lesbians to boot) and someone just the other night was talking about introducing a lesbian to one of my friends who more or less said, "Really? Gay men and lesbians don't mix." Why is this? Why can't gays and lesbians hang? Is it because gay men are more hardwired to think or act like straight women so we can shop and gossip together? Is that even true? Sure, stereotypically it may ring true, just in the same way that some lesbians live up to the butch, tough persona like a straight dude. But do lesbians and straight guys bro down?

Time Out Chicago created a chart that ran down different types of interpersonal relationships and they, too, say gays and lesbians really don't mesh: "From sexual attractions to fashion sense, no two groups of people have ever been more irrelevant to one another." You would think that we should have a lot more in common, but it seems that we don't.

Many of us gay boys have our hags or our Grace (even if you don't associate with Will, you know you have one of your own), but not all gay men even like to hang with women, straight or gay. Some like to keep to our own kind. Is it a comfort level or does the idea of spending any time at all with a woman just repulse some gay guys? I love my girlfriends (and my straight boys, too) and I couldn't imagine not having a bunch of different people in my life. There's a comfort in diversity; too much of any one group would drive me nuts.

Back to the original question: Can gay men and lesbians just kick back and relax? In my hometown, there are loads of gay bars where you hardly ever see lesbians. And the handful of lesbian bars are virtually gay free. It seems silly -- can someone please explain why we can't all just get along?

(Image courtesy of Getty)

Comments

[hater]

I dont like lesbians

they are freaks!

they should be erased!!!!!!!!

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

[Andy Hoffman]

I have a few lesbian friends and I am homosexual. I think that it is rather narrow-minded to dictate who your friends are by who they are attracted to.

[Joe]

Maybe you should throw a few more gross over generalizations into your piece. Such an insightful way to deal with things...

[Mark]

I was an L Word addict and wanted a lesbian friend, but it never happened. I think its the lesbians problem. I think some hardcore lesbians hate all men gay or straight.

[Dan Nooney]

What a silly question!

First of all, there is enormous diversity among gay men and lesbians.

As a gay man, I tend to have immediate rapport with most lesbians, at least in part due to our mutual experience of being oppressed by the larger society. This common ground makes it much more likely for me to have a positive connection with lesbians as opposed to straight men or straight women.

I was married to a woman for 19 years, and six months after I came out to her, she fell in love with a woman and currently identifies as a lesbian. She is still my best friend and she is close with my partner. In fact, she was witness to my marriage to my partner in Canada.

So much for your silly question.

[Rebecca]

I'm a queer bisexual woman in love with another woman (though I'm sure many would love to discount me here) and I have several *close* gay male friends.

I have my pseudo-older brother -- our fathers were best friends for 30 years, he was seven years old when I was born, we each came out to my father five years apart and were delighted when we compared notes and realized he'd told us both the same thing.

I have the boy next door -- we grew up one street away from each other, rode the school bus together for 10+ years, hung out in high school and both came out the same summer. He lives in Chicago now and I visit with him at least three times a year. We'll be neighbors when my girlfriend and I relocate in August.

And that's not counting the friends I had in college, including the friend who stood in the middle of the aisle after I walked to get my undergraduate diploma and swooped me into a HUGE hug that my friends and family could see from the nosebleed section in Bud Walton arena.

So, my short answer is "yes." Gay men and lesbians can be quite good friends.

[Keegan]

I live in a small city with about 2 gay bars. Gay men and lesbians seem to mix really well here, especially in the under 25 set. I think that it can create a really interesting social dynamic as there is no attraction or competition so things like personality and support become more important.

[j register]

Yes I think gay men and lesbians can be friends. I'm an openly gay man that lives in a very small town in Florida, i have quite a few lesbian friends as well a strait friends both male an female. There are no gay bars in the town inwhich i live. So we all meet up at one or more of our house just to hang out an socialize. Although I do believe that some gay men do have problems with lesbians for some reason or another, for which I can not understand. We have enough people trying to oppress us we shouldnt be doing the same amoungst ourselves.

[magenta]

I think such relationships are not as common as they might be because the queer community is still in this earlier developmental stage as a group, kind of like when light-skinned black people didn't associate with dark-skinned in this country, and vice versa (I'm an African-American bisexual woman - I hear you Rebecca). Some of that is still with us, but I believe the color bar is largely ignored at this point. In both group's cases, it's largely due to buying into the dominant culture's BS definitions of what we should be like and letting that separate us, instead of accepting ourselves and each other in all of our various nuances and shades. Duh - that's the meaning of diversity...

One of my best friends in the world is a gay man, and maybe the fact that we're both attracted to men helps that, but maybe we're just two people who have a lot in common and enjoy each other's company, without running it past other people's paradigms.

[Great Gay Store]

Yes we can!

[Jonathan]

I know! A silly question but I understand why it's being asked...I know a lot of people who would wonder this. Those of us who were not alive when AIDS first started need to read our gay history - because in many cases, when our gay brothers who had AIDS had nobody else to care for them, often it was other lesbians who took care of us when everyone else ditched us. Whether this was the rule or the exception, we need to remember that we came together as gay PEOPLE regardless of gender - without asking or being asked; because we needed each other. This day will come again. There are many lesbians with breast cancer who are in somewhat similar situations. That is why I am walking in the YWCA's 'Race For the Cure' on May 9...it helps raise money for breast cancer awareness, provides assistance for many breast cancer survivors who are alone and need help. Gay men need to step up and help each other and gay women when the time comes. We will be the first generation of gay people who came out very publicly at 13, 14, etc., and many of us (thanks to gay.com, Facebook, etc) will be connected through the end of our lives. If we do not find our own family via a partner or a child, it's important to remember we have a lot of friends out there - despite all the times I've grumbled about how we treat each other and whatever...most of you are here reading this and you must be interested - that shows you care.

When it comes down to it, very few of us have had an easy life. That goes for whether you are a gay man or a gay women. Women can be just as ruthless, cruel and downright rude to other women who are different (gay) just like the straight guys who made gay guys feel excluded and powerless at one time or another. What's odd is (sorry for going on with the novel here) I know more lesbians who have been told (by their mothers usually) to never come home again, they've got no daughter anymore, never call, never write, just get out. You would think that's what gay men would face from families - not always. Lots of the women faced it too - and just like gay men are snotty towards each other, gay women are the same way with other gay women. We need to understand the dynamics of both the gay male and gay female culture and be open to new friends and support. That's all.

It's gorgeous here in Duluth, Minnesota today - 80 degrees and sunny in early May - best time ever to be up here. I'm going to enjoy the day. You guys do the same where you are.

[Dan Hollenbach]

I am a gay man and my best friend is a lesbian and I am the best man at her wedding on Friday!

[Erik Stiles]

Dear Hater. Your nick is certainly appropriate. However, if you'll read all the other posts, you'll find that YOU'RE the freak, not gay women.

as for Ari Bendersky -I have several female friends, both gay and straight. However, I have no "hags" as you so kindly call them. Your use of the term "hag" shows a blatant disrespect for women and you are really unqualified to ask this question.

[Keng Kinnaree]

Actually, it is great relationship. Like in Thailand, it is regular to see gay man and lesbian be freind.

[mens wedding bands]

In today's world you cant really tell if the woman or a man who wore a Wedding ring are Married to their opposite sex, will someone gonna make a coding or change the wedding band or the ring to describe more about their Marriage life.