Can Someone Choose To Be Gay?

Dr. Edwards --I have often wondered if it is possible that some people CHOOSE to be gay. I was recently in a relationship with a man who said he was gay but had a previous relationship with a woman. One night while we were dating, he revealed to me that he had been violently raped by his older brother when he was growing up. He said he was always gay and the traumatic event did not make him gay. Nonetheless the story disturbed me and left me questioning the idea that some people may become gay as a result of some kind of childhood trauma. -- Charles

This a great "hot-potato" question that leads to intense conversations and much confusion. Simply stated, the causes of sexual orientation are unknown. Any theories as to why a person might be gay don't always work for another person. A great analogy is what causes "left-handedness." We simply don't know what causes a person to be left-handed but what we do know is that people are this way from birth. They usually have a stable predominant hand and can use their other hand as well.

This analogy can be helpful in many ways. Just as a child starts to use his left-hand more often and sees he is different from many of those around him, people with a gay orientation recognize something is different from an early age. What appears to change is our awareness of our orientation.

Over-riding
For some people who are left-handed, they are trained not to use that hand. So too, many people are taught not to express any same-sex orientation and play it straight. Given various circumstances, a straight guy can have sex with a guy, and a gay guy can have sex with a woman. This is simply an expression of sexual behavior; it doesn't change the initial orientation.

Conforming
In some cultures, giving something to another person using your left hand is a cultural insult. There is a lot of pressure to conform to the cultural expectations and use your right hand. In a similar way, gay people have a lot of pressure to "play straight."

Going both ways
A few people are ambidextrous, meaning they can use both hands with equal dominance. So it is with sexual orientation; there are some people genuinely attracted to people of both genders.

Pride
The left-handed community has experienced significant stereotypes over the years. As a result, there is "left-handedness pride" (seriously, there is!). You can see the analogy to gay pride. (link: http://www.anythingleft-handed.co.uk/)

All in all, I can't say what's up with your friend. What I would say is that there are many different factors that impact a way a person chooses to express sexual behavior. The key is their orientation is stable even if they choose to engage in a variety of different behaviors.

Do you have a question about sex you would like Dr. Edwards to answer?  Send us an email.  We promise to keep your name confidential.

(Photo: Getty Images)

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Dr. Weston Edwards is a professionally trained and experienced psychologist licensed by the Minnesota Board of Psychology. He specializes in individual, couple and group counseling and has specific experiences working with sexuality, spirituality, chemical dependency and mental-health issues. He is in private practice at the Sexual Health Institute Dr. Edwards is also on staff at the Pride Institute providing sexuality and chemical dependency treatment for the LGBT community."

Comments

[@Daniel_Baylis]

I think people can chose their actions, but not necessarily their attractions.

So the choice be 'gay' is to actively seek intimacy with a member of the same sex.

So yes, on a certain level, I absolutely choose to be gay. And this is the root of PRIDE... it's a celebration of this choice.

I choose to be 'gay' and there is no shame!

[James]

Honestly, I did not chose to be gay. I chose to continue on the path that will make me the happiest while making me not completely miserable. Okay, that comment probably made no sense. Well, being gay has caused a lot of problems in my life, both with friends and family. If I wasn't gay, I wouldn't have to deal with it. When I was first coming out and figuring out who I was, I sincerely wished I was straight. Now that I'm older and wiser and have who I am figured out, I'm very glad I'm gay. I couldn't see myself any other way.

[Peter]

When will people start asking the question "Can Someone Choose To Be Straight"? The headline of this Hot Topic is framed as if gay behaviour is aberrant. As Dr Edwards points out, it is but one of a range of different but stable behaviours. In the meantime, when I am at the supermarket, should I choose the product "To Be Gay", will it wash my whites whiter than white?

[sojourn]

Make homosexual illegal!!

[sojourn]

Homosexual is an illness. Many homosexuals were molested, introducted at a young age in their environment, raped, or experimented young and gave way an emotional depressed, drunken state. Does not mean they are gay. They committed an immoral act and an unnatural act. How that person chooses to recover is his/or her free will.

When homosexual is introduced at a young age, this is child abuse.

[sojourn]

Many Homosexuals have had their lives changed by a corrupt, mentally illed person.

[sojourn]

The homosexual is just feeling bad and taking his/ or her problem out into the world because of bad experiences and the unknowing why and how this could have happen to him or her. Mainly blaming God , instead of blaming the assailants, their so called friend, or themselves for giving in to a horrible choice.

[sojourn]

In the King James Version, Leviticus 18:22 is translated: "Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination."
All homosexual behavior is sinful, regardless of the nature of the relationship. Homosexuality is a chosen, unnatural, abnormal, changeable, and perverted lifestyle, which is hated by God.

[sojourn]

The grace and Peace of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the Love of God and the Fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you All!

God gave you free will...

It is up to you in how you use it...

[BarebackJack]

You're absolutely right, sojourn. God DID give me free will, and I choose to use it to embrace the gay person He made me to be.

Oh, by the way... judge not lest ye be judged. It is only God's domain to judge if He so chooses. Not yours.

So why don't you just try to embrace how God made you and let all others embrace how God made them and keep your judgment of others silent. You don't know what was in God's mind when He created anybody but yourself. One thing is for certain... God did not make anyone else in YOUR image except you. And God does not need your approval on anything He creates. It is not your place to judge or criticize God's handiwork especially when you do not truly know what God's great plan was in creating anybody else.

If God wanted us all to be the same, God would have the power to make us all the same. But He doesn't.

If you believe God makes no mistakes, you - as one of his unique creations - have no authorization to criticize His work on any other of His unique creations.

[BarebackJack]

Oh, and may I also remind you that God is a being of pure love and grace. God does not hate. He CANNOT hate. A being that is pure love energy cannot coexist in hatred. That's like saying that something that is pure white has black in it. If that were the case then it would not be pure.

That kind of basic logic is something that the idiots who wrote the Bible didn't understand. Perhaps now you can see the folly in the Bible's concept of a dichotomous God.

[Bradlee]

I don't know about choosing to be Gay, but I do feel like people can choose to take part in homosexual acts as a form of expression. I believe in the Kinsey scale of sexuality in the fact that nobody is completely gay or straight, but we are on the extreme ends of the scale. Is a straight guy gay if he gets a blowjob from another guy? No. He was horny and resorted to an act of homosexuality to get off.

Is a guy gay if he hugs another man a lot? No. They could be really close friends. There is such a stigma around 'what's Gay and what's not gay' that it really mucks up the lines. Personally, I define a homosexual as a man who is emotionally attracted to another man as he would be to a female in a heterosexual relationship. Granted there is physical attraction as well, but as a Gay man myself I can definitely say that I have been physically attracted to a woman before- but I didn't want to pursue a fulfilling relationship with her. I was just curious.

It's completely normal to have a curiosity about the world, but it's what lies in your heart that matters.

[sweetntrue79]

I personaly do not feel as though I "chose" to be gay. My first memories of attraction were to other women. I have never been attracted to men, nor have I pursued a relationship with a man since I was in high school and did so because I truely thought I should give a straight relationship a chance to make sure of what I really wanted. Straight folks like to say "being gay is unnatural" well, I'll tell you, being with a man sexually is the most "unnatural" feeling I have ever experienced! I speak for myself, It is not a choice for me. If a straight person were to force themselves to have not only sexual but emotional relations with the same sex, could they be happy? It works both ways! If I forced myself to "be" with a man and all it entails I would be miserable. And for what? In the Decleration of Independence, it states that we are all given the right to pursue happiness. Happiness to me might not be what happiness is to you ,but that is freedom. And thank the lord that made me for my freedom. Bible thumpers like sojourn don't want us to have freedom, that is why he said "make homosexual illegal." What a louse!

[Jon]

I believe in the prenatal hormone theory, the evidence gathered thus far points to it as the most likely cause to determining sexual orientation.
It accounts for the variation of orientations str8-bi-gay or to use the kinsey scale 0-6. It also accounts for the variation of orientation among identical twins because each are in their own amniotic sac. Of course I think genes also play a role in this process as well.
Nurture just accounts for how comfortable someone is with who they are and whether or not they hide/deny their true feelings.

[Hale]

Why the hell is being gay so wrong with you people? Being gay is awesome, it isn't abuse. It's be proven that you're BORN gay. You can't be MADE to be gay. It isn't something that you can be forced into being. You are who you are and no one should have to hide who they really are! And whoever said that being gay should be mad illeagle should be slapped across the face with a 2 by 4! Being gay is more then just loving another guy, it's being free of what people think you should be. AND I ENJOY BEING GAY THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!!!!!!