Hey, Guys, Why So Nasty?

If you want to be a writer, you have to have a thick skin. And if you want to write for the Web, you need a Kevlar bodysuit: people can get pretty nasty out there on the Internet. Anonymous readers have used various sites' commenting features to call me names I truly wouldn't call my worst enemy. My crimes? Things like offering etiquette advice, interviewing an artist, and writing a subjective (and positive!) review of a CD.

And I'm not even talking about the homophobic crazies who apparently receive alerts when certain topics appear on LGBT sites, so they can show up and call us names before scurrying away (and who are really best ignored). Even some of my fellow gays seem determined to turn the Web into a place of insults, invective, and vitriol.

I realize I may have already lost some readers to the Comments section: they're down there now, clickety-clacketing away with profane insults. (I guess this because many of the nasty comments I've read make it clear that the commenter didn't bother to read the entire article--completion of the article should be a prerequisite for commenting.) But I'd like to start a conversation about why so many of us seem unable to respectfully handle differences of opinion. What's going on here?

Anonymity, of course, is one reason for the Internet's stridency: a certain type of coward will say anything when he doesn't have to attach his real name to it. (I also do a lot of writing for a site that requires that commenters use a verifiable email address--the tone is very civilized.) And writing an anonymous attack screed on the Web is one way, I guess, for angry-at-the-world people to release some frustration.

Perhaps there's also some confusion about how to use the Web. For instance, an article about dating earned me a comment saying I was a shallow, frivolous fool for thinking about dating in a world where hate crimes happen every day. And niche stories, about fashion or celebrities, say, frequently cause some readers to complain, "This is not important to me; therefore, you suck." The thing is, if you want to avoid stories about dating and celebrities on the Web, that's easy to do. (But if you want to use all of your time saving the world, you should not be hanging out on the Internet much at all.) What's great about the Web is there's really something for everyone. If you don't like what you find at a site, that doesn't necessarily mean the site is bad. Different people enjoy spending their free time in different ways. And that's OK. (Right?)

I think most sites appreciate feedback about their content, and any writer of quality welcomes healthy debate, as well as correction of factual errors. The thing is, a factual error is just that--and mistakes happen. No need for calling names. (And can we all agree that, as commenters, we will not waste our precious time pointing out other commenters' errors of grammar?) There also seems to be confusion about the difference between opinion and fact (admittedly, there are some gray areas there). In a review or an opinion piece, the writer is stating his or her opinion--with which you are welcome to disagree, but a difference of opinion does not usually require threats of bodily harm.

Further, and this is best reason to state disagreements politely that I know: a name-calling, profane rant makes the writer seem insane (or at least unbalanced)! It does not convince anyone of the validity of his opinion (in fact, it does the opposite). I am saying this in an effort to help all of you better make your points.

It's an Internet thing--go to any site where people can have online discussions, and you're sure to find a lot of people saying a lot of nasty things. I just wish we LGBT folks treated one another better than that.

Comments

[@Daniel_Baylis]

Yes, thank you for tackling this subject.

It's easy to be a 'hater' on the internet. But if you don't like something, some constructive criticism is perhaps the best intervention. Or better yet, go find something that you like and invest your energy in celebrating it.

Props from Canada.

[Carl]

AMEN!!!!

I have often wondered this as I was reading the comments on here and my own blog. Guys think they are anonymous when commenting so I love emailing them back and trying to talk to them. 9 times out of 10 they always apologize and one guy even said he thought his identity would be a secret that's why he was so rude.

so THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for bringing this up. I'm hoping it will do some good.

[ck]

HELL YES!! Most "grown men" act worse than bratty 10 yr old girls. AND they think its cute. It's as if these so called adults all want to be just like the pathetic characters Karen & Jack on Will & Grace.

[Boyet]

hell yes, CK! right on! ahahahaha! (^_^)

[TheLordofWales]

Well I think this article sucked.

There seems to be a lot of anger behind this article instead of solutions.

Gay people online are jerks. OK, I know that. What do I do about it?
Well, I IGNORE certain posts and IGNORE certain people.

If people ignore me, I've found out later that it was always for the best. They just figured out we were incompatible before I did. GREAT!

Like you said, the internet is about variety. So I accept that gays will be jerks online. I figure out how to get around them ... not confront them with angry opinion piece.

Perhaps the problem with the gay online posters is that they do not realize that CONFRONTATION is NOT the best method of handling every situation.
So then perhaps the solution is to give up bitching and ... find effective solutions.

[Lex]

People on the internet have the safety of having a screen and miles of phone lines between themselves and those at whom they throw insults. I've had some things said to me that, if they had actually been said to my face, would have brought an immediate repercussion. It's this lack of having to back up your words with anything which perpetuates the environment within which this behavior can continue.

Manners and etiquette should never be abandoned simply because one will not be held responsible for what one is saying.

And, rudeness is ugly, no matter how hot you are.

[littlepebble]

Thank you gay.com for the wonderful ignore function. Just perfect for staving off unwanted 'teachings' and self proclaimed 'teachers'. What you can't read won't hurt you eh? lol

[Ken]

i say what i mean and mean what i say on the web or in real life. if i think someone is acting toolish like say when they talk about the joys of barebacking, i call it out.

[dw]

ditto.. and ditto.. What amazes me is while in our chatroom, people come in and don't know what to think when they are "greeted". It seems that netiquette or just plain civility has become such a archaic practice that it catches the unwary offguard. I'm not that old, but I remember the IRC days (upon which the chatrooms came into existance), if a person wasn't greeted as in real time, it was considered ill-mannered.

Perhaps, it's time to educate and reeducate others that places online, whether in a chatroom or otherwise, it's not acceptable to exhibit such ill-behavior? Excluding clubs and bars, the internet is one of the few havens we have as a collective community to showcase who we really are and all of our best qualities.

And it doesn't take possessing a degree in psychology to maintain some general order. We can still kid and cut up, discuss topics that otherwise may be considered taboo but important to men or the gay community in general, without making defamatory comments that exclude fellow members of a community that already face exlusion from mainstream society.

[U180]

SUSH BITCH!! shut your lipss.. DO THE HELEN KELLER, AND TALK WITH YOUR HIPS!!

[Tommy]

It helps to realize that anger - the feeling behind most nasty or attacking posts - is a SECONDARY emotion frequently masking fear, hurt or frustration. (Sort of like fever is a symptom of something going on with our physical bodies) But in our culture, anger (esp. in men) is viewed as macho, while hurt and fear are seen as signs of weakness. (Expressing our fears and hurts is vulnerability, not weakeness, in my book)
I don't say we need to accept or justify anger, just step back and realize it goes deeper. When you feel angry, you could try to discern what's really going on inside of you. The more we understand ourselves, the more emotionally available and authentic we become.

[justderrick1968]

Well What about the Way Gay people Talk to other gay people why don't people stop pointing the finger at other people and look in there own back yard for once you might find that there's some cleaning up to do there. And As Far as having Thick Skin I've yet to seen a Gay person on Gay.com with a thick skin Sensitive Gay.com what they should call this if Half of the people skulls where as thick as there skin then they would probably be rocket scientist or something like that

[Zaid]

Am glad this issue was finally addressed. As to whether gay men are nastier than anyone else I cant say, I know there are all kinds I will encounter in life and some are just as nasty in person as they are on line, either or, I can walk away. Nonetheless I rarely post in a main room in order to avoid the entire issue of those looking for the opportunity to be rude for the sake of being rude.

[muzyqman]

I think you're right about the anonymity offered by the ability to comment online. But there are also the related issues of laziness and personal (gay) priorities. When someone reads something and doesn't like it he has two choices. First, he can stop and think, and figure out why he doesn't like what he has read, and then take the time to put together a cogent response to the item he didn't like, explaining why he didn't like it. But he was really just checking in online, having just gotten home from work, and there's a happy hour drink in some bar screaming his name. So what's a guy gonna do, damnitall? Take 30 minutes to write a brilliant response, or take 30 seconds to call you a dickwad and go find that drink?

For me, I never respond to a column unless I was interested enough to read it all the way to the end. If it's not important enough to read to the end, why take the time to comment?

[Alan Cavallaro]

You and other recipients of online vitriol are destined for sainthood. When will people realize that it takes more energy to be hateful and mean than to be cordial and respectful?

Like people everywhere, there are members of our community that need to exercise restraint and reevaluate their behavior, viewpoint, and preconceived notions. Thanks.

[stephen]

Yes, it is only gay men who act negatively and say nasty things on the internet. Straight people act with 100% dignity, respect and decorum. That's the way it has always been.

Every gay man is nasty, every straight man is positive and nice. I mean, that's the way it's always been.

[David]

I do think the majority of articles on this site are completely moronic. Perhaps the site is just geared to a different type of guy.

I have to remind myself sometimes that regardless of the image you hope to convey, that this is just a money making site that profits off men looking to score a piece of ass or bust a load on someone's X pic. You're not exactly educating us on anything we don't already know. I do dislike the (because you're gay) you should: feel this way, be interested in, be active about..." attitude of these articles. Gay or not, I'll stand alone and draw my own conclusion before standing up to march with the boys.

[latingodcaliente]

the sad thing is that it takes more time and energy to talk smack about certain people then it would to ignored them or to be polite. i also want to know why is it that these so called grown men be acting like some bratty 5 yr olds because they not getting what they want? better yet why is that men get mad when you reject them because you not looking for sex, or whatever they trying to throw your way? come on for crying out loud i'm not every man's type just like you not every man's type. get over it and grow up. you can't have a descent conversation in a chat room when you have a bunch of grown men acting like a bunch of jackasses. heres my best suggestion, put them on ignore.. works wonders!

[GIFT]

The explanation for why people behave like this is simple:

The Great Internet Fuckwad Theory =

normal person + anonymity + audience = total fuckwad

[HypnoToad72]

Please change the title on the main page, "Are gays meaner online?" is narcissistic claptrap. People in general are meaner online, though some have more reason to be than others.

And it's not always mean; on the internet, there is no real need to foist emotional platitudes. Just saying a fact or an inference does not imply an emotional backdrop.

Sometimes, however, it does.

Please don't read into things too much, or think that it's about one segment of the population only.

[ian (batboy101)]

You suck!! ... Just kidding, I'm a nice gay. :-)

I did, however, feel the article 1. undervalued my intellectual capacity. Actually, I felt quite like a kindergartner being lectured for not treating his friends well. And 2. wrongly connected the issue of a lack of human decency with being gay. I realize you're addressing a primarily gay audience on gay.com. However, the article made it appear gay men were the only ones who participate in cyber denigration - and as though this were an issue plaguing the vast majority of homosexuals. Perhaps a better article would have discussed the perils of rampant acceptant of stereotypes internal to the gay community. PS I really appreciated David's comment above mine. If you passed it up, you should go take a look.

[splerrk]

I like leaving comments of subjects of interest basically to show you the type of GAY I am.
I don't intend to hurt anyone's feelings with my POV and feel good to know that at least mostly a few people feel the way I do.
Maybe I am speaking for myself, but it seems like most people come to sites like GAY.COM to possibly meet newer people with a broader outlook then our norm of a sometimes negative feeling tiresome gay bar scene.
It is hard to inflect the proper emotions of a typed line to someone without visually seeing a reaction to or from making preconceptions to misunderstandings more promanate.
Sometimes it gets frustrating trying to get your point across without affending anyone or having to defend yourself from unintentional insult.
I have personally been through enough BS from other arenas than my Gay Lifestyle without letting myself be victimized by my own kind here.
And if attacked by someone verbally I will stand my ground on my beliefs.
This will not damage my faith in the possiblitly of finding someone whom is willing to compormise our minor disagreeing points of views to get to know someone for a possible dating to an LTR.
I initially love meeting new people respecting there point of view & if toesn't work out from there I just carry on.

[ripped_]

I say let them release their anger online. You can always use ignore. Some guys have real difficulty dealing with being gay, as open minded as we all like to think the world is... it ain't. Maybe if these guys bash it out in prose they won't go out into the real world and take it out on someone physically.

[Tommy Marx]

I sign my comments with my real name to show that I stand behind my comments and (to be honest) to guard against being an ass. Unfortunately, that doesn't stop me all the time, LOL. I thoroughly enjoyed this particular post. I've never understood the logic of "there are so many more important things you could write about" since it makes me wonder, exactly why is the person reading the post then? And I tell you, as someone who used to read a lot of comic book forums, you have not seen true, unadulterated hatred until a fanboy gets pissed at a writer or a story. They will literally turn into one of those anti-abortion freaks that want to kill doctors and burn down clinics. Seriously!

[toasted_lettuce]

I think this article is good in pointing out the anonymous factor in posting online. Specifically though, I think it should be mentioned that the person posting is invisible, and is not up for scrutiny. For example, as I sit from my home office, I am wearing my lovely pyjama bottoms and a sweater from high school. Not up on fashion, but I would be given permission and not questioned on my opinion if I were to scrutinize the latest fashion faux pas.

In general, people are more rude online because they have the time to respond with something calculated and catty. Using that greater response time is really a waste of time, and I am certain that the majority of so-called "witty" comments would not be made if they had to be made in real time.

Thank you for the article, and no, you are not shallow for talking about dating when there is crisis in the world. Living 24/7 for others isn't healthy, and to make sure you can help others most effectively is to make sure first that you are happy and healthy.

[Trevor]

I agree. I am not sure why people like to rant so negatively about people. We ALL need to start treating people with respect no matter who they are. It's up to ourselves to choose how we react to situations.

[Kevin]

It's pretty much the same for every chatroom and comment post on the internet and it has nothing to do with their sexuality. Many people like to criticize due to a superiority complex, and one hateful comment can outweigh ten good.
One easy way to avoid this is that you have to sign up to post, but the major drawback is that many won't bother to post their comments cause it's tedious.

[Fylth Pig]

Finally! I am no saint, but one thing I learned is. Putting other people down to make yourself feel better is and will never be acceptable.
It also makes one ugly inside which eventually will seep out and be external. Don't give those people the time of day any more. For your and my sanity.

Peace

[Gary]

Most definately a resounding YES! they are!
While most of the comments are correct for the reasoning, heres some more to add in...

1 - "No pic, No Chat ( thats rude.)
2 - Private someone to say "HI" to simply break the ice and your completely ignored. ( again thats rude! ) How hard is it to do 3 simple keystrokes....H I (enter/return)???

Although its partly annon. its also a indicator of their real-selves in real life. Just online they try and mask their realself, but unknowingly it does get thru.

When I see those above or those clearly being jerks, I simply ignore em -- I dont waste my time trying to chat with someone who shows no civilized morals or respect towards others...no matter what a person looks like or beliefs/opinions.
I have way better things to do then give them the attention they are so desperate for.

[Scott]

Online comments sections have given a wide forum to tens of thousands of misanthropic, discontented, and/or generally negative people who may now spread their unhappiness far and wide. This is undoubtably a great relief to those who live with them and previously were the only one who had to listen to it.

Whether it is the comments section of the local newspaper's website or gay.com, it is basically the same thing. Straight or gay, they are bores.

[stopwhining]

This article is a whiny piece of trite. The author is just bitter he had unsavory feedback comments and cant cope. So hes trying to convince the world he is always right and anyone else's opinions are invalid while writing opinion pieces. Its absurd.

You're writing opinions on how everyone should say act and do what the writer thinks is prim and proper. And that's why they get the unsavory feedback. That manipulative writing style where your views overrule reality to try and force people to live by your own etiquette and code, thats just as bad as being mean and name calling. Because you are in the wrong, doing something wrong, trying to manipulate and coerce then dare poke at the people who see what you are doing, repeatedly explain THE OTHER SIDE OF A POINT that you still dont get. Its no wonder the name calling and nastiness comes out. To set people like you right since people like you dont pay attention until it comes to that level.

There are plenty of writers in the world that get criticized daily for more important things then social networking pet peeves. And they ask for it by the things they write and the way they say it when they should already know it will reach a wide range of people who will see different angles. But as much as there are writers in this world they dont take the time out to write self serving trite articles to have pity on themselves justify their point of view. The point of view they try to enforce on others and cause the "mean" comments they deserve for not thinking clearly, level headed and unbiased.

Some gay men are hyper sensitive. Its because they are insecure and lonely. Too lonely. Social outcasts all their lives desperately trying to feel accepted by anyone. They dont have any real friends or people to talk to so they take their sad loneliness online expecting, no DEMANDING to be totally accepted and unconditionally loved. THATS the problem here.

I said the following at a local bar, face to face. In public. Without a PC or the internet. Because some drama queen was talking about how "rude" my friends were for never talking to him online.

***You know why guys dont respond to "greetings" in a chatroom?***

Its because those greeters are PHONY. INSINCERE. And looking for ATTENTION. They LIVE online trying to be the friendly social person they arent in person. In person they are SHY and AWKWARD. They play a game online. They want to give the illusion they are social butterflies. Popular. They want to talk to a guy, but they arent bold enough to just send a PM and get to it. So they have to be coy. In front of an audience hoping they get a reply to show others they have just been accepted by a stranger. For THAT attention.

Then when a guy doesnt fall for it respond or play along, just like these lonely guys commenting here now, they try to chalk it up to "bad manners." And then try to teach nettiquette. When they are the ones who need the teaching. My local chatroom has 10-20 guys in it now. The rest stay outside the room or go in another because those "friendly" guys "greeting' everyone are still alone in that chatroom not making a single friend to go out with to this day.

You lonely guys are too needy. You make up nettiquette to serve yourselves. You dont read profiles first. You dont respect why guys are on sites and what they are there looking for. You dont even want to take anything offline to build a real friendship or relationship. There's who's hiding behind computers talking game. You just want everyone to be "friendly" online and acknowledge you because of your own fragile emotional state.

An article needs to be written about lonely gay online narcissists that think their online front is so great everyone should constantly validate and praise them with unconditional love and affection for absolutely nothing.

And you can ignore guys like me, but when you come to the point where "everyone" online is "mean" and "rude" according to you. You run out of guys to talk, or rather guys who would even talk to you. And have to face facts. That you are the one with the problems. With that self righteous attitude, selfishness, self absorbed arrogance that you deserve anything YOU want from... free willed people with minds of their own and the ability to ignore you're insincere phony friendly online front.

[K]

"Yes, it is only gay men who act negatively and say nasty things on the internet."

The author of the article was just talking about gay people because this is a gay site. Have you ever read blogs posted with major and minor newspapers and the comments they receive? People post comments that are irrelevant to the topic, full of spelling errors, ad hominem attacks, racist, sexist and homophobic comments, personal attacks that concentrate on some small minor detail of an article, the list goes on. Just because everyone, gay, straight or bi is guilty of something doesn't make it ok.

[merlin]

YOU ARE SUCH A WHINY COCKWHORE.

[dfgdfgdfg]

nah most faggots they become queer lol
and its funny to bully queers :)

[Greggo]

Bullies make me cry, when I get on internet to chat now Jonathan sits with me so that doesnt happen now. First times I was teased cuz I like heels n nylons n doing stuff he's like you will so not say here

Some people are meanies, my parents threw me away. On 18th bday i ran away w/justa bookbag to a big party hope someone take me home, I saw Jonathan being so nice to people like me I like SO came on to him he took me home, we talked a lot I cried a lot. We went back sneaked into house and stole my Bunny Slippers.

I still get scared in chat rooms n parties where I dont know people, cuz Im different from even most gay friends but the cirle are k w/me, they treat me nice. Daddy says it's cuz I'm KILLER COOKETTE :-))))

Jonathan says people are meanies cuz they insecure or not happy w/lives, its not MY problem, its THEIRS!!!

I was so scared my first day of college he went with me, waited outside the classroom said I have to be brave. I'm such a baby sometimes, sigh. Turns out college rocks, yayyy!!! I am NOT stupid. He helps me study and his friends too. NO meanies ALLOWED in the Circle, k n that's IT.

Jonathan aweseome gets his share of jerks online but it's mostly fun talking to people with lotsa ideas n thoughts n hopes n dreams. Thats what we talk about when tuck selfs into bed Im glad he's my boyfiend he is so mature and laffs when I do my goofy stuff, I'm his flower.

K you guys can hate me, Love Greggo

[The Truth]

Gay men are better looking, smarter, younger and hung-er on the internet. Why not meaner, too?

[Kevin Handy]

I think the Internet in general - no matter the context has created an artificiality that people use to justify bad behavior. I also think that in general people have become more cynical. And our prose whether that be in response to a blog posting, a Twitter tweet or in an online chat room has become incredibly hostile and rude.

Some people absolutely would say what they mean and mean what they say - intending to be mean. To those people I say: you are not strong, not brave - you are just mean. Because it takes so little to be evil in writing. The people who are the most pathetic are those who post anonymously.

As someone pointed out those people tend to be the biggest bullies when faced with their behavior. Typical of bullies they're all hot air and with enough booze or some other artificial substance - they're sometimes physical. I try to ignore these people but often they're very very loud and obnoxious. These people use ALL CAPS even though they know they're shouting - because it's fun to be rude. Somewhere along the line in schools and at work we need to teach people about etiquette and civility again. We need to practice this online. We can't legislate civility but we can boot people from services who can't be civil to enough to others and permaban them.

Cyberbullies are becoming more not less prevalent. When I first joined the online community more than twenty years ago (yes for smartallecks the Internet did exist more than twenty years ago) cyberbullying was the exception, not the norm. Now cyberbullying is becoming the norm.

I've seen increased evidence of this in kids especially. The things they say to their friends my parents would have shoved my teeth down my throat for saying to another human being. I think unchecked bad manners and physical violence is a dangerous trend and I think it goes far beyond just writing a few comments on a virtual wall. This is spilling over to face-to-face interactions. When kids become adults and can't differentiate the cyber environment from physical reality we'll see a huge uptake in homicide. Add in unemployment, underqualified people dropping out of school (and yes I mean colleges and universities) in increasing numbers, drugs and helicopter parents and we have some real problems.

We need to lead as a gay community because we're a cross section of what is best about humanity. In general we're intelligent, well educated, capable, creative, compassionate and caring people. We just need to practice more positive behavior and be a bit more assertive with people who insist on being jerks.

[Joe]

I don't have the highest self-confidence. And when a guy emailed me to ask why I even bothered with a profile as I was too ugly, it kind of dragged me even lower. True, the guy's a jerk, but it still affects you when someone is such an ass. People can be incredibly vicious and do some damage they don't realize they're doing. You don't know how fragile someone is on the other side of the computer. They could be recently out or be someone like me with low self-esteem. Think of how you would feel if what you're writing to or about someone is being written about you.

[mike]

With a headline like "are gays meaner online" its a given the author is trying to pin it on gay men exclusively because that header questions: is one group meaner... then what? Another group? If that wasnt the intent it should have been worded "are people meaner online." Where do they get these writers from anyway? Some of these articles sound like they are written by bitter kooks that got rejected and take their frustrations out in a column.

And by the way, friendly or not. No one is "anonymous" online. There are ways to get an IP address. As a former gay.com monitor I found that a lot of nice gay men online have too many fake accounts. They convice themselves they are nice by saying hello to random people with no purpose. Its overcompensation. It was a method they used to get people to talk to them. You know? When they say hi and the guys they wanted werent talking to them and the lectures on manners wasnt working. As many of you are attempting to do here. Sometimes you guys get caught and the creepy things you do become comon knowledge. And thats why a guy wont respond to keep the peace and move on. Or be nice to you when you try to press the issue insisting they talk to you when you arent nice in the first place.

In the gay.com suffolk long island room there's this group of guys, mostly older with no pictures or the same one for 10 years always in the room. Doing nothing but watch who enters so they can rush to say hi to them. But if you try to talk to them it goes nowhere and they say hello to more guys while in a "conversation" with you, its rude. But they consider themselves friendly polite and nice guys doing that. And yet they never take a day off from the chatroom to hang out with each other in person. They only say hello to each other 20 times a day in the chatroom. They exit and enter the room to say hello to each other 21-40 more times. They say hi to anyone. Even when the adbots were in and out they'd even say hi to them. They dont take a moment to be sincere and check out a profile. They have this odd mindset that everyone joins to talk to them. It really is insincere and selfabsorbed. Because they were not really looking to say hi to start a conversation with a person. They are obsessed with being validated with replies. And they are rude wasting peoples time misleading and leading them on to stroke their own egos over replies. They even change screen names and come back in to say hello to each other again, or talk to themselves. A matter that convinced nearly everyone in the area to never say hi back to them because they are mentally disturbed doing that.

And after all these years of doing that they are still around. They took all the sincerity out of online friendliness and now no one talks in the room. No one says hello back. Because in the suffolk room they created this suspicion of their own guilt. But they wont admit their guilt because they try to scapegoat it on poor manners. Like sociopaths. Like several of you commenters.

[servant_36]

grown men are children online. haha I bet that most people would NEVER be as cruel in real life if they were face to face with the rest of the chat room.

[ricky dicky]

i cant believe how nasty guys can be to older guys like me. cant decide if i want them to get the same treatment when get older or not. hell i guess i dont. i wish them well

[Ray]

Gay men are mean, nasty bitches online because in gay life, you HAVE to bring all attention to yourself. That's why we have drag queens, drama queens, fierce queens, fabulous queens. Which is why I always find myself attracted to the most regular, hard-to-notice NORMAL people. A previous poster had it right - "Jack" and "Karen" from Will and Grace are PARODIES, not role models.

[michael]

Yes, can't stand this crap either its it were in elementry school or something .

[coralcocowexler]

There's two things going on here: One, gay men, for whatever reason, tend to be mean and petty online I've noticed. And I have one response for that: you should behave yourself and be polite because you never know when you'll encounter the same person perhaps in real life and you'll be the one embarassed, not him. Also, I've noticed those who are childish and petty online tend to be middle-aged guys who don't seem to have much going for them: the ones who say I am too femme or anorexic or whatever are never hot, young, guys I would be interested in if single, anyways. So it's pretty obvious jealousy, honestly. Just remember, in any dialog, it always pays to be a gentleman.

Second issue: the quality of writing on this site. I have been a gay.com cover-story feature twice and am flattered, yes, but a lot of the writing here is on a level below that of Seventeen. Seriously. There are a lot of intelligent men who read this site's articles and I feel the editors here would benefit from reading a really saavy site like Slate to see how interesting, hip, in-depth journalism can be done.

[StopWhining]

Regardless of differences, truly nice people never speak ILL of others the way gay men do whining and moaning when they dont get their way online. Look in the mirror people. How you treat others is how you get your nastiness. You can deny it all you want. Or be so out of touch with what you are really doing or how you are really coming across. But your behavior evokes it. Because people arent born hating you or being mean to you. Its acquired and helped along by what you do to them. Its a process. If you are genuine and nice, people are nice back to you. If you are superficial phony nice trying to pressure and convince everyone its genuine, it shows through and people react unkindly. And if you're flat out nasty and disrespectful, you KNOW what you are going to get. And you still do it anyway. A lot of you give reason and ask for it and have the psychopathy to hide your own issues and project them on others to feel in the right.

Unattractive and overweight guys just shouldnt be hitting up models and guys with 6 packs expecting much. They should stop ignoring other unattractive guys like themselves and start talking to each other instead. But they dont. They hit up the hotties they know wont be interested. Its almost like they do it to be turned down and seek attention from their pity. They pester and they dont take no for an answer. Then the nastiness arises because they pester and dont take no for an answer and being polite hasnt worked.

Same with these old men that call everyone nasty. If you were 18 now and on the internet you wouldnt want old men pestering you. We all know this because you're always looking for younger. You dont like anyone your own age, but think that you're friendly acting that way. Old men are disrespectful and nasty first and that asks for nastiness in turn. Because when you nicely tell them you're not interested. Tomorrow you have to ask them to stop bothering you. And the next day telling them to leave you alone again. They dont listen. Its like they get kicks out of feeling victimized by their own bad behavior. But like psychopaths they twist it to fault others.

Thats the environment you guys create. You did it in chat rooms you brought it to any new site. Its your own behavior. Now you have to learn to live with the results or change your ways. Just like everything else in this world, nothing drops on your lap. You have to earn it. And with people, you have to earn respect by showing some and coming across the way you want to be treated yourself.

[Astro]

i think everyone, gay, or straight is meaner online. Its the anonymity and the lack of face to face contact. So much easier to hide behind a computer screen than tell something to their face.
Go look at the comments on a far right wing blog like freerepublic.com and you'll see how mean (straight) people can be.

[G]

Anonymity yes but people also enjoy being sarcastic....i've met many self described assholes and bitches who don't care who they offend or what they do....

i just figure someone else can correct them...

[Chazman]

You do a very fine job with your writting, dont even sweat it. =)

[Homohirsutus]

People feel free to say things behind the safety of a keyboard that they can walk away from. THose same people would never dare say the things they do online directly to a person face to face. Whats sad, is how many of you, even in responding to this artical, prove that you dont have the social grace or tact to be polite. People need to realize, if you wouldnt say to someones face in person, then dont say it online. More and more instances are getting into the news about online arguments becoming real time fights, beatings, and murders. You all need to realize you are NOT anonymous just because you are online. If you piss someone off, you can be tracked, and people are getting beaten up and killed over the flippant remarks they make online. Be cautious my friends.

[Justin Williams]

omg about time someone wrote this article. i cant tell you how many people have been very mean and nasty and even cruel to me over the last 8 years since ive been registered on gay.com and other online sites. i have over 100 people on ignore and the list is growing cause im constantly ridiculed, judged and treated very meanly all because im being myself and having my own views an opinions. i am not being mean first, i am not provoking other people. the only time i am mean is when they are mean to me first. i do not start any sort of confrontations but for some reason ive noticed people are a lot more mean and cruel online and i think its because they can be. they think in their minds its just "chat" when in reality its not. these are real human being with emotions and consciousness behind these computer monitors typing. and some of us are on here hoping to meet nice sincere people for friends dating and otherwise. its very unfortunate people think they can say or do whatever they want online and think its no big deal. thats not true. hate is hate weather it is typed, said or acted out. i have met some of these people out in public and have confronted them and they didnt even bother to say im sorry nor did they seem to care what they did. some just sat there, most just walked away. quite sad. they can say things online but not to someones face. not all of us are sociable in public settings, myself included. i cannot just go up to people and start conversations but im very good at talking to people who come up to me first which is why i use the internet as my outlet. so hopefully people who read this will be understanding to my feelings on the matter and maybe things can get better. thanks for listening.

Justin

Atlanta, GA