Would You Date Someone Who Is In The Closet?

I was watching The Millionaire Matchmaker the other night and was thrilled to see that matchmaker extraordinaire Patti was trying to find true love for a sweet gay bachelor named Kevin. She set him up on a date with a cute guy named Randy, who flew from Los Angeles to Kentucky to spend time with Kevin at his beautiful estate. Things were going great until Randy revealed that he wasn’t out to his parents.

Well, I should note that Kevin didn’t seem to care and planned to see Randy again. I was the one who had an issue with Randy being a grown man and still in the closet. I shared my objections, yelling at the TV, “Kevin, end it now!”

I would have ended the budding romance right there based solely on the fact that Randy wasn’t out.

Look, I know it can be difficult to come out. You’ve got to deal with family, co-workers and maybe even friends who might not be accepting. I went through my own challenges when I came out. But I did it, and I dealt with the fallout. It wasn’t easy, but everyone in my life—whether or not they’re okay with it—knows exactly who I am, and I can enter a relationship having dealt with it.

I’m telling you, dating someone who isn’t out and trying to take the relationship to the next level can be an exercise in futility. I know this because I’ve dated closeted women before and learned the hard way that you can’t build a real, adult relationship with someone who will only bring you home for Christmas if you pretend to be her best friend.

And it won’t be just one Christmas that you’ll have to put on this charade. It’ll be Christmas after Christmas. Nine years later, you’re going to be 40-years-old and still pretending that you like your best friend so much you just have to spend Christmas with her—this is how it went for my friend Jessica. She finally broke it off with her closeted girlfriend, who refused to live with her for fear of being “caught,” after nearly a decade of putting up with this nonsense.

My friend Chad lives with his closeted boyfriend. Still, Chad’s man won’t fess up to his family even though he always promises he will do so. Because the boyfriend’s family is in the dark, Chad and his boyfriend don’t spend any major holidays together—the boyfriend refuses to bring Chad home even as his “best friend.” It’s been five years, and Chad still puts up with this. Is this any way for an out gay man to live in the year 2009?

I’d go as far as to say that being in a relationship with a closeted gay person is akin to being in a relationship with a drug addict or a compulsive gambler.

Promises are made.

“I’m going to come out to my family when I go home this weekend. I swear!”

And promises are broken.

“My sister just announced that she is getting married. I didn’t want to spoil everyone’s happiness by hitting them with the news that I’m gay. I’ll tell them the next time I go home for a visit.”

I’ve seen from my own experiences and my friends’ experiences that dating a closeted person is a dead end, and I’m never going to do it again.

Oprah needs to do a show on this topic. It would be a real service to the gay community!

How about you? Would you date someone who isn’t out to everyone in his or her life?

Are any of you in a relationship with someone who is closeted? If so, are you frustrated, or are you okay with it?

(Image courtesy of Getty)

Comments

[JustinTheDouchebag]

justin is probably a mccain supporting repiglican who will one day end up like larry craig, tapping his foot in an airport bathroom stall because he isn't getting any action from gay guys who have accepted themselves

[Juan]

I was in a 4 year relationship with a closet case. It was very dificult at times. his family thought he had a girlfriend and had no idea he is gay. he allways had the excuse that we couldnt go here or there cause one of his family members or friends might see us together. one time one of his brothers friends saw us at a restaurant and he made up a story saying i was in his class in college. they went into the bathroom and his friend said i looked like a fag and he shouldnt be around fags. eventualy afer living together for 4 years and waisting 4 years of my life he left me cause he said he couldnt deal with being gay and could never tell his family. after he left i found out that the entire time we were together he was secretly going on dates and having sex with females so everyone would think he was straight. even though our relationship ended 2 years ago i am still so broken hearted i can not trust anyone and refuse to date ever again.

[Brian]

This is what i hate about my gay community ... When did someone's choice to out themselves become someone else's concern? Why do some gay people believe is it so important to tell the world what some consider to be their personal busniess? Whether or not you or someone else wants to be totally out under all circumstances is your business ... same should hold true to those who choose not to be totally out for whatever the reason - it is their choice and not someone else telling someone that they MUST be out or they are not living an honest life. Personally i tell those who matter - i do not feel it necessary to tell the postman, the baker or the candlestick maker or anyone that is not in "my circle". I dont care what my neighbors do or how they do it or to whom the chose to do it with ... same should hold true for me or anyone else who doesnt live with the GAY as the single most important identifier in their life. Being gay for me is only a part of who i am along with son, brother, ex husband, father, uncle, nephew, cousin, general manager, instructor, consultant, etc. etc. etc. - chose who you want to be with based on your own criteria for what you believe is the perfect match - and for god sake let others do the same and repsect that choice. Isnt that what we fight for ? the choice to live our lives as we see fit and not how others feel how it should be?

[Rain City Blues]

Never in a million years. Not even casually. Forget it, not even negotiable, not even for the most beautiful man in the world.

I am not, nor will I ever allow myself to be, someone else's dirty little secret. Everyone has to make their own decisions about how to live their lives, and I'm not going to proselytize the closet queens. At the same time, I want romance as well as the sex, and I won't date or fuck anyone that wouldn't want to be seen with me out in public doing the things that couples do. I will not cover, either. And I will not date a guy that has to cover.

Here's a suggestion for Justin: If you're so upset that none of the guys here will fuck you, you can always go fuck yourself. At least that's one kind of love you'll never hide.

[Laun]

I know, I have had lots of guy friends and gay friends, but I have never officially cheated on anyone. Before I came out I did hang out with a few girls in college, you would not be surprised how straight girls cheat too. By the time college was through I was done with trying with the straight scene. Girls just expect too much and are fical. Whether straight or gay at least hanging with your buds doesn't have to end when the night is over.

[frustrated]

I'm with Justin.

[Brian]

ok i just finished reading some of the other comments ... how sad is it that some feel it necessary to ridicule a fellow homo! what the hell is your problem? where is the love and support for our fellow gay? Is it comforting to know that haters come in all shades and orientations? Its repulsive - act like an adult and allow your mind to be open to each and every ones individual choice as to how they want to live THEIR LIFE ... dont preach how you think it should be it puts you in the same category as those who preach that gays are less than, that women are less than, that people with differences are less than ... if you are so enlightened then you should have already known to accept rather than condemn

[Ed]

Yes, I would and have. First, what do you mean by being out. It is not all or nothing of coursse--out to family, friends, coworkers, etc. Second, I think the decision to come out is a very personal choice and that most people will know when they are ready and should not be pressured into that decision. Of course, I would support someone in there own decision to come out, but I would not ask or require them to do so on account of me. I think that is just one of those compromises you have to decide whether you are willing to make. I wouldn't really judge someone who said no they wouldn't either. Everything is complicated. Sometimes it's just a matter of what complications you can and are willing to live with.

[Dan]

People with really accepting, or even just mildly accepting families need to understand that coming out to some kinds of families means never seeing them again. Ever.

Don't give me some bullshit where "over time they will accept you" because some religious communities will NOT.

[bliz]

my boyfriend is in the closet. i care about him why would i not date him? because he isn't out? meh, that's dumb
i like him so basically f everybody else

[Michelle]

Like it or not, there's no way to justify living a lie. No one's telling any of you how to live your lives, they're just pointing out the fact that you're doing more harm to yourselves in the long run if you keep hiding from the truth.

The modern-day civil rights movement is completely dependent on the visibility of the LGBT community in the public eye. Even if the public's perception of gay people is somewhat negative because of the so-called "flaming homos," those homos are the ones fighting for YOUR rights while you sit idly by and benefit from their work. And, like we're all aware, there's no such thing as bad publicity.

To claim that you're embarrassed of the LGBT community because some members seem too extreme for you really doesn't reveal anything besides your own internalized homophobia. It's time to grow a pair.

[Laun]

Dan that is probably true, however they can't prevent you from living anywhere in this country you want.

[kareem]

being "out" or "in the closet" is liberal, white rhetoric. for some people, being 'out' is not an option. for others, they were never "in the closet". even for those of us who are "out" to their family, introducing a man to our parents and them having to "face the fact" that we're dating a guy is a complicated issue... let's not reduce the issue into huge generalizations about "closeted" men...

[Myke]

Justin, you don't have to be a screaming flaming homo to be out. I agree with you, some. I don't care for Pride Parades, I don't like pride flags, I don't do dinner parties. To look at me, few people even know I'm gay. But when it comes up, I tell them. And I tell them because my pride comes from my strength to be honest and to accept what comes from it. My pride is that I won't lie about it, I won't hide, and I won't cower from the consequences of my actions. I'm a sadistic top who likes to make men cry, and I am not ashamed. Be proud of yourself, not of your gayness. I believe this with all my heart: if you're ashamed of what you're doing, you shouldn't be doing it.

[Marky]

posted by TIM:
"Closeted and bisexual guys are the greatest threat to our Gay, Lesbian and Transgender community -- more so than any vile anti-Gay bigots.

What these closeted and bisexual guys really do, is severely damage our self-esteem, mercilessly break our hearts and completely annihilate our lives.

AVOID THEM AT ALL COSTS. They are enemy number ONE.

And I like how most closeted or "bi" guys are the ones who say that stereotypically flamboyant gays give the community a "bad reputation," when IN ACTUALITY.. these same fearful closeted "fags" and gender flip-flopping bisexuals who are insecure with their own masculinity.. are the REAL ONES who give the Gay community a bad name: "the cowardly, no-backbone, closeted 'fag.'""

Well I'm an out bi guy...in my life I have had one serious relationship with a guy and one with a woman. Both knew I was bi, and both (justifiably) trusted me when I said I didn't use my orientation as an excuse to cheat on anyone, which I never in my life have done. If anyone is "annihilating your life" Justin, I would suspect that's your own lack of self esteem and insecurity.
And for the record I am not confused, or insecure. I am who I am same as you, except that I'm not a complete a**. If you're looking for an enemy, who it really is that's hurting your relationships with other people, I suggest you first look in the mirror and stop blaming me!

[Myke]

(please note: I didn't read all the posts, just the last few, so I may have missed something Justin or his responders may have said)

[Troy]

Being in the closet is a life-degrading endeavor. I have been so for years. I'm now 40 years old and realizing how much of my life has passed me by. Not only that, but I have ruined a relationship of nearly 7 years, and another one recently of a year and a half. Being in the closet, I constantly have to protect this secret. Though I came out to friends last year, I am still not out to anyone in my family. Not having the one you love with you during the holidays, or when you really need them by your side to deal with a life event or stress is terrible. Moreso, not being there for them when they need you is an aweful way to treat the one you love. Furthermore, I am a nice guy at heart with deep compassion. But years of living in the closet have only lessened my social skills, amplified my anxiety, created obsessive behavior, and caused a lot of depression. All of that covers up the decent, caring, loving man I am. Who would want me? I understand those that don't want to date closeted men. Now I live in fear of a lonely life and regret my behavior which has hurt two people in my life who loved me. When my boyfriend broke up with me a month ago, I was so heartbroken and had such anquish that my body literally ached. I had a friend to talk to, which was good. But I couldn't share this aweful pain with my family. Had I been out of the closet, I wouldn't be in this situation.

[gidderguy]

Erica Gold, you're a moron. "I would have ended the budding romance right there based solely on the fact that Randy wasn’t out."
Let me tell you something, honey: If my partner was a moron like you-- whiny, demanding, embarrassing, high maintenance--would I out myself for him?

It's NOT all about you.

[schwhere]

No way... besides dating a guy that wants to shove me back into the closet, what about honesty? If he's willing to keep that from everyone around him, how can you be sure that he's always being completely honest with you?

[psubetterthanever]

Well steering away from all ^THAT^ drama...

I am a fully closeted person, and I want to date someone. But because I am closeted, it seems like a lot of the community (not all, but a healthier portion) would rather me be invisible. THAT bugs the shit outta me. You have to remember that being gay may be part of your identity, but it isn't ALL of it.

My reasons for being closeted are pretty simple:

A) I am a born-again Christian who has a lot of close friends who are Christian, and I feel like I'd lose every single one of them if I came out. I was raised like that my entire life, including spending time with my now 70+ year old Old School Catholic grandmother.

B) Why should I be out and proud when there are out people who say and do things that I'm not proud of? I believe that you should be with the one you love forever, and that no one should be treated as a second class citizen and lose their rights based on who they love. HOWEVER, I also believe that you have the right to believe whatever you want and say what you believe and not have people humiliate and demean you because of those beliefs. (Yes, this has a lot to do with the whole Miss California thing, but it has happened many times before.)

C) I haven't found someone worth coming out totally for. I want to find someone who I love so completely that I don't give a flying-V who knows that I am gay. I want to simply live my life so enamoured that nothing else in the world, no amount of BS, could bother me.

D) My biggest basic reason for not coming out is that I am still dealing with a very deeply-rooted fear of rejection from so long ago. I am 24 years old, and I was teased, hit, treated nastily, even threatened with severe bodily harm since KINDERGARTEN all the way through the end of high school. Believe it or not, I didn't even really realize that I was gay until 10th grade, so that wasn't why i was mistreated. Because of this all, I developed a flight system that basically removes me from anything internal or external that would cause me to feel that rejection again. I will soon be seeing a psychotherapist to work through these issues and hopefully I can escapse this cycle.

So in short, those of you who think that I am "damaging the progress of the community" should realize that damage is done REGARDLESS of orientation.

[Troy]

Schwhere, you are correct. I have this problem talking to guys on line because my sexuality has become obsessive compulsive. Though I don't hook up with them, I play on line and hide this from my bf. It is behavior that I believe is due to my being in the closet.

[tom]

Does being in the closet interere in having a long term loving, unselfish, partnership, marriage where each is the caretaker for the other?

Here is the thing and its sounds puritanical to gays who continue to define themselves on sexual terms while demanding not to be defined by their sexual orientation...NOT EVERYONE CHOOSES TO WHERE THEIR SEXUALITY ON THEIR SLEEVES.

NO ONE LIKES BLACKS, WOMEN, FEMINISTS, JEWS, HISPANICS, ETC WHO WHERE THEIR (WHATEVER) ON THEIR SLEEVES.

Hey there are some people that drink privately not publicly (and vice versa), there are some people that have secret recipes, there are some people that dont want to be defined by their religion, or some that dont want to be define by being black or hispanic.

Is your partner closeted or merely private/introverted?

So many gays never seem to mature past high school...but let me tell you that its quite normal to get along in public by being conservtive and restraint about ones personal business...infact its considered polite and prudent.

[Rudy09]

I am inlove with a guy now who is gay. He approached me first. We both have high level positions in our community which could literally destroy us if it came out. To be honest, I find it fun to be secretive. We do work together and I have fun doing things for him around the office "undercover" so to speak. So, no one knows. We work so closely together that no one suspects anything anyhow. I am also of the philosophy that if straight people don't go around telling everyone including their famiy members they're str8 why do gays feel they have to? It isn't anyone's business but yours and the man you're with anyhow.

[Jim]

When and if a person comes out of the closet is entirely up to them. If you can't handle that, then get out of the situation!

[hiyou]

I wouldn't, just because I wouldn't want to be with someone who isn't comfortable enough with who he is yet to tell people; I do understand it's hard, and I think a lot of us are so out we've forgotten what it's like to be in the closet, and it is hard, so I do have sympathy. But as for a relationship, I draw the line at dating someone--it's not a judgment call by any means, I just need to date someone who's confident and who I don't have to closet myself around either.

[Hmmmm]

Some angry angry people here. Date who you want when you want. Why all the anger at your relationship issues? In the closet or out of the closet decide what works for you and go for it. The bigger question is why you would be so angry at a hypothetical person who would or would not date someone in the closet and the anger at the hypothetical person in the closet. Maybe it did not work out due to your anger issues.

[lerome]

hi, i can totally relate to this topic and thank you so much for sharing this blog. well my boyfriend is closeted and he is 20 years older than me. i am now 24 and he is 43 and it is really frustrating but i totally understand him. i knew him that way and i don't want to push it and force him to be open to his friends and co-workers. i think if he loves me enough he would do it on his own way and that i would be glad if he would. though i dont really doubt his feelings for me but for sure i am hoping that he will.

[Brandon]

There is no way I would date someone who is still in the closet. I have struggled for a long time in the past to get to the point I am at now; I confident in who I am and have no time in my life for people who do not approve of my homosexuality. Allowing myself to reach this point, I am never put in a position anymore of having to hide who I want.

If I were to ever date someone who was in the closet, it is inevitable that the time would come where I was asked to act somehow differently or to hide myself in some way and I am not willing to do that for anyone.

[Daved]

I could never date a person in the closet... that said, I don't judge those who do. Just because a person is in the closet doesn't mean that they don't deserve love like everybody else... but it does mean that those who date them need to be emotionally prepared for what's ahead....

I don't have sympathy for either party when one person in a relationship is in the closet... The one in the closet chooses to stay there, and that's their choice, and they shouldn't come out till they're ready (I really hate when people OUT people... it's tacky)... And I don't have sympathy for the person who IS out, and who is dealing with all the extra stuff that goes with dating somebody who is in the closet.... They made the decision to date a person in the closet...

I couldn't do it... but definitely don't judge those who do... if it works for you, go with it...

[javi]

Some people don't come out because they are afraid to come out. Probably the person they are dating those not out weight the problems that this person will be afflicted by family and friends. So, If your bf dont want to come out maybe don't think like he/she is a bad person, maybe your not worth the effort. I would be happy to have somebody to love me even if that person wasn't out. Who the fuck cares. He will come out when its right. WHO THE FUCK CARES that he doesn't want to come to your family for the holidays. Did you THINK!!!! that maybe that he sees you every day and he wants to be with Family but you don't want that cause your not comfortable enough letting your bf go by himself cause you think he might cheat. GROW UP!!!!

[mr_mike09]

yes i would. it is ultimately there decision and it isnt my place to judge them otherwise. i have been in that situation on both ends of the spectrum, and while i would strongly encourage them to come out to the family, i would also remember what it was like for me and the fear of being rejected by my parents. it would cause set backs in the relationship. but then if you were truly meant to be together then you would overcome them as a couple.

[Kevin M]

Whatever happened to the notion of being willing to sacrifice for the one you love, and to expect that relationships, no matter how blissful, require work? I'm not talking about being a masochist and letting people walk all over you, but to some degree being willing to understand that a relationship is something that requires both partners to be flexible?
So here's a situation: what if I'm with a man that I love, and he says to me he can't be with me anymore if I don't tell my father...so I do tell my father, out of fear of losing him.
Now, I have a father who will not talk to me (and yes, there are people who find themselves in that situation) and I have a boyfriend, who somehow feels that it was the right thing for me to do, because it was more honest of me, or whatever.
If I were someone else watching this scenario, I would say that the boyfriend was being incredibly SELFISH in making that demand - and for what? So now they can hold hands when the father comes over, don't have to lie and say they are roomates? But the father is gone now. If you love somebody, you wouldn't do that to them, to make them make that kind of choice. It is selfish, and that's not love.

[singletguy99]

Based on personal experience, NO way. I'm not exactly in the closet but I don't go broadcasting my sexuality to the world. If someone ask me I'm honest and tell them the truth. Yes I'm gay. Then I will ask them if they have a problem with it. Most people don't mind or care once they find out from my experience. The thing is I cant and wont be with someone who I can't be my self when I am with him. Or I can't be with at holidays because he is too afraid his family will find out.

I have also watched friends go through the same ordeal and it's not really fair to put someone through that. Also being in the closet can cause more problems than it's worth.

[Amir]

sure i would,at least for me is not big trouble the absence of contact with the in-law family,besides why to force someone to be out,even in the long term its ok for me either way i think every1 is out of the closet passing 30years old so if that guy wants to think is fooling everyone its just a little sad but not a big deal as to determine the level of a relationship because of that,for me would be horrible to stay 1hr in xmas at my bf's family home,and not because i wouldnt feel comfortable with me but just cause even if they knew im his partner.you dont have the right to feel they have to accept you or feel good at all,simply because being gay is not normal(normal is simply what its more common,that way clearly).

i love gay guys and respect you all (the queeries,the 'normal' acting',every1 gay) but we must accept the fact we are not normal simply cos we are not the majority,even if being gay is becomming part of society in a more open way;and about justin comment i agree with him only in the way that there is no reason to be proud of being gay for me either,its like being proud for being born german,or white,or black,but besides,we are giving a wrong message to the part of society who thinks we have chosen to be gay,because by saying we are proud to be gay,its like if we are proud for something we have worked for,and no one of us have done so.

[Lee]

I came out late (age 31). I was previously married and for years I didn't talk to my father or his family after I came out to them. It took over 5 yrs for my father's family to accept the fact that I am gay, even though I had 2 first cousins (one on either side) who were gay (they both died of aids in the late 90's). While I was totally out, my cousins refuse to "flaunt their being gay" to their families.

When I had a lover and we lived together with another roomate, my lover refused to tell his family he is gay. When his mother woudl come over, I would have to disappear (2 bedrooms and 3 men, where did his mother think I slept). He only came out to his mother after he found out he had full blown aids (this was 1986). Back then, having HIV/AIDS was literally a death sentence. Imagine, now he not only had to come out as a gay man, but also having AIDS. His mother, when she found out, asked why he waited so long? She would have preferred he came out when he was healthy so she could get to know me.

Sad, he wasted so many years, afraid to be himself to his parents and denying the opportunity to know me as my my son's soul mate, till it was too late.

[Keaton]

I'm not sure if I could date someone who wasn't out to there family, it would really depend on the person, I mean if that's the only problem we could work around it, but I'm not sure, I think the worst part is at times you'd feel like you were back in the closet again, and I know I couldn't do that myself.

[Lee Colby]

I was in a 9 year relationship, I was closeted early in our relationship. My lover finally coaxed me into coming out to my mother (father deceased at the time). It was a tearful time and to my surprise she knew. I was naive at the time...so to those that think they are in the closet, think again. Your loved ones, friends, acquaintances etc. are not idiots....they see. After my mother died and I went through all the papers left behind I found evidence that my father knew too from his correspondence that I had never seen. From all that I learned that people know....and one is just kidding themselves by being in the closet. That's my two cents.

[Lee Colby]

some of these stories/replies on here just make me cry....guys...come out!

[Jared4everx]

HELLO NO!!! Any guy who isn't mature enough to stand up and be counted isn't a man. CYA!!!

[justin-differnt from other]

i think it is ok to date someone in the closet...if you love someone it shouldnt matter....it does suck to go to their house and pretend to be theier "friend" but wat matters is the relationship with the person....i dated a guy who was in the closet...and i sorta forced him out and it caused problems in our relationship.....everyone has their own time to come out....you have to let them do it when they are ready....so what if it takes them a lot longer than "normal" they deserve the respect to do as they feel. but coming out is a very good feeling and it is a lot easier to be yourself and not have to lie. i wanted my boyfriend to come out not just because he was in the closet but becuase i wanted to meet his family and friends, be a part of his life. it hurts to have your boyfriend who "loves" you introduce you to ppl as his buddy or his friend from school...everyone will come out eventually

[Google]

LOVE IS BLIND! out or not, if U REALLY R IN LOVE, WHO CARES!!!!!
if u care about it, its obviously a meaningless fuck in which case it shouldn't really matter if he is out or not!

LOVE IS BLIND, MUTE and DEAF! and if he is super stinky, then love's also unable to SMELL!

[singlecutie29]

Friends,

Those of you who expect that a man who is closeted should come out if he is dating someone who worked hard to come out, let me say this.... is that fair? Shouldn't they try to meet each other halfway?

First of all, you don't know why the person is in the closet.

Secondly, not all circumstances are the same. You cannot say just because I came out so should they. You have NOT walked a mile in their shoes. Their circumstances are more than likely not like yours.

Instead of bashing men who are not out, and putting them down, you should be uplifting them and encouraging them. If they get it from you because they are not out, and they also have fear for coming out due to rejection from family and friends, you are going to rip them apart. Some of you need to watch the movie "Prayers for Bobby." Pay close attention to what happened to him. He came out, and it devastated his life so bad that he took his life.

There are people out there who actually care about what their family thinks. There are people out there who want to please their family, and love their family, and want to keep that relationship with their family. If they know that being gay will cause chaos, then why should they come out?

You have to weigh the consequences, the outcomes, the negatives and positives to both sides.

Stop being so judgmental, we as gays already get that enough, and we most certainly don't need it from fellow gays. WE MUST STICK TOGETHER.

[Ray]

WOW. I'm stunned by the number of people who would not date someone in the closet. Well, not so much that they wouldn't date them, but the harsh judgmental comments about their being in the closet. It's a hetero world out there, and "we" are only 10% of it (at most). And for a segment of society preaching "tolerance" and "acceptance", gays sure can be intolerant and unaccepting. I was in the military 20 years, and wherever I was stationed there never was a shortage of civilian 'mo's chasin' the uniforms. Now if there's ever a closet case, THOSE are them!

[ScottNAl]

One never has control over who your heart falls in love with. But as for "dating", I say never again, but I said never again the last time too. It's really demeaning and demoralizing to be someone's dirty little secret. A year into dating a bi-man, and it's just come to an end, thankfully. Someone who is afraid to be seen with you, until they get a few drinks in them, then it's raining fucking men! I'm over that shit!

[secretly_cruel]

Closet-cases are the Uncle Toms of the gay world.

[GuyOnThePeninsula]

There is absolutely no way I will ever date another closet dweller. The last closeted guy I dated (and this was MANY years ago) became FURIOUS at me while in a restaurant because our hands briefly touched as we reached for the same piece of bread. Walking down the street, he insisted on maintaining an 'acceptable distance so no one would be able to tell that we were 'together' The 'what if someone thinks we're a couple' bullshit when you ARE a couple just chips away at at your collective and individual souls. I wholeheartedly agree with the author of this piece. I did the work, went through the pain, and made it through to the other side. I'm not going to put myself BACK into the closet by dating a closet case.
Here's one more sub-set of men I will no longer touch with a ten foot pole. Those who have been married to women. It's a freaking nightmare. Generalization? Yes! Stereotype? Yes! Could there be an exception out there? I'm sure there will be many responses to my post from the "My man was married to a woman and now we're so in love..." crowd. To that I say. Kudos you! But for this guy, who just stepped out of a 7-year cesspool of 'previously married man' thinking.....'WHAT WAS I THINKING?' the 'no more former straight husbands' gauntlet has been thrown. And THIS time I'm going to stick to my guns.....Really....I mean it.....

[Josh]

I am amazed by all the harsh and judgemental comments being posted here. As a GLBT community we are all fighting against intolerance and discrimination, but here you all are showing that you are just as intolerant and discriminatory towards closeted gays. It all seems very hypocritical.

[Frankly]

Yes, I would date somebody who is in the closet.

I would not move in with them ever.

I would let him know that I could not commit fully until he was honest with his family. I would tell him that I would not lie no matter who I was talking to. I would introduce him as my boyfriend. If he ever described me as a "friend," I would end the relationship. If I found out he was pretending to be straight to his family, then I would leave him.

I would give him one year to come out to his family. I would tell him that any excuses such as a family event, an illness or a holiday would not be tolerated under any circumstances (although if someone died I would wait a couple of weeks, but no more than an additional three.)

I would also tell him, that I will be there for him. I will support him. And when others may give him a difficult time for being who he is, he can always be himself with me.

[Laun]

I am very accepting those of either in the closet or not. I am willing to work around all different situations as they come up. However, some basic Issues that I'm tired of dealing with the lies of other spread about me and others. 1. Not being mature, I grew up ages ago and know how to act in public, but I will not be ignored or taunted to death. 2. When I show respect and understanding of privacy, I expect the same. 3. When I do make the effort to open up and even go further, I detest the lie either I don't make an effort or being labled he doesn't "Try". 4. I have Fibromyalgia inherited from my mother, not a disease but a muscle condition, I work very hard at work and must rest alot when I get home, but this does not prevent me from being active or a social life. It also means that I won't be the biggest muscle bound man around. It also doesn't mean that I am disfunctional below the belt. 5. As for my social and romantic side I am quite confident and don't need to be knocked down. 6. I think of others all the time and help as much as I can, EVERYTHING is not always about me, I hate and detest negative attention, especially when it isn't warranted and not going to change me a bit. I don't owe the rest of the world everything I own. 7. I am not trying to be a religious icon, a hero , a public figure leader or teacher in the world. I am trying to live my life, do what I am capable of and not be disrespected or looked down for it. I am me and represent my own values and interests and willing to get together with those who share the same. There is no reason for me to be shoved in a antisocial, troublemaker closet. I have done no harm to anyone, I am not part of any dealings with anyone who harms others because of their sexual orientation or what others would prefer them to be. I let everyone be themselves, but don't tread on my rights. I am not a difficult person, socializing should not be so difficult in this day and age.

[Joe aka sahauroman]

Too many gays are opinionated about situations as this and cause turmoil between us.
Without knowing the gamut of ones life, how can we fully discuss what one is to do in their life? I say every relationship is different. Life does have its challenges, whether at work, with family or with friends….
I came out late in life and some family members have accepted me, some have not, and those that did not accept me! Well, I told them, this is who I am, so don’t preach to me, and when YOU get over this issue of me being gay, that is when you can call me and talk again. My mom despised the fact that my kids accepted me even after coming out to them. Now, my parents and I still talk and as long as I don’t give them intimate details, everything is ok. If they ask about who I am dating then, I’ll divulge that info, but it was hell coming out to them. Coming from a Hard Core Catholic Latino family was not easy telling most. But I did it because of a gay man I loved and wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I am no longer with that asshole, and other issues have arrived.
I am now seeing someone new and he and I are not OUT but to only a few co-workers, family and some friends. We are on the same level on many aspects of our life and it feels great.
But I came out later in life, because for some of us from an older generation had it tougher to deal with and the other issue I dealt with was trying to find a Christian church that accepted gays. Because I love to sing and have been in various church choirs, but when I finally made the decision to come out; I also made the decision to stop singing and attending the First Assembly church because of the anti-gay sermons. A former friend and I attended a gay friendly Lutheran Church, and I am looking for another.

Life does bring you surprises and sometimes you make it what you want it to be and you keep pushing on.
Like I tried to say from the beginning – we do not know what everyone’s circumstance is; so everyone chill and let couples or singles deal with their issues the best way they know how. And if a friend/relative/ or someone new in our life asks us for our opinion, than give it objectively.
Thank you
Joe