Would You Date Someone Who Is In The Closet?

I was watching The Millionaire Matchmaker the other night and was thrilled to see that matchmaker extraordinaire Patti was trying to find true love for a sweet gay bachelor named Kevin. She set him up on a date with a cute guy named Randy, who flew from Los Angeles to Kentucky to spend time with Kevin at his beautiful estate. Things were going great until Randy revealed that he wasn’t out to his parents.

Well, I should note that Kevin didn’t seem to care and planned to see Randy again. I was the one who had an issue with Randy being a grown man and still in the closet. I shared my objections, yelling at the TV, “Kevin, end it now!”

I would have ended the budding romance right there based solely on the fact that Randy wasn’t out.

Look, I know it can be difficult to come out. You’ve got to deal with family, co-workers and maybe even friends who might not be accepting. I went through my own challenges when I came out. But I did it, and I dealt with the fallout. It wasn’t easy, but everyone in my life—whether or not they’re okay with it—knows exactly who I am, and I can enter a relationship having dealt with it.

I’m telling you, dating someone who isn’t out and trying to take the relationship to the next level can be an exercise in futility. I know this because I’ve dated closeted women before and learned the hard way that you can’t build a real, adult relationship with someone who will only bring you home for Christmas if you pretend to be her best friend.

And it won’t be just one Christmas that you’ll have to put on this charade. It’ll be Christmas after Christmas. Nine years later, you’re going to be 40-years-old and still pretending that you like your best friend so much you just have to spend Christmas with her—this is how it went for my friend Jessica. She finally broke it off with her closeted girlfriend, who refused to live with her for fear of being “caught,” after nearly a decade of putting up with this nonsense.

My friend Chad lives with his closeted boyfriend. Still, Chad’s man won’t fess up to his family even though he always promises he will do so. Because the boyfriend’s family is in the dark, Chad and his boyfriend don’t spend any major holidays together—the boyfriend refuses to bring Chad home even as his “best friend.” It’s been five years, and Chad still puts up with this. Is this any way for an out gay man to live in the year 2009?

I’d go as far as to say that being in a relationship with a closeted gay person is akin to being in a relationship with a drug addict or a compulsive gambler.

Promises are made.

“I’m going to come out to my family when I go home this weekend. I swear!”

And promises are broken.

“My sister just announced that she is getting married. I didn’t want to spoil everyone’s happiness by hitting them with the news that I’m gay. I’ll tell them the next time I go home for a visit.”

I’ve seen from my own experiences and my friends’ experiences that dating a closeted person is a dead end, and I’m never going to do it again.

Oprah needs to do a show on this topic. It would be a real service to the gay community!

How about you? Would you date someone who isn’t out to everyone in his or her life?

Are any of you in a relationship with someone who is closeted? If so, are you frustrated, or are you okay with it?

(Image courtesy of Getty)

Comments

[Joey]

Hell No.

Its hard enough with my own shit, but to be in a relationship and to deal with his. Hell no. Of course, a relationship is all all war and some gain. Its worth it and its not worth it. Yet, I say, be yourself and stop pretending to be something your not, by giving false hope to those you love; by giving them the impression that you are going to live the all american dream of having a 2 door garage home a female as a wife and 2.5 kids.

Its unfair, especially your beau.

I myself I don't I can be comfortable with someone who is in the closet. Living in fear, because he is living in fear. Not feeling comfortable because he is not comfortable.

At the end of the day. After the facade is all said and done. I just want to be me. Little ol me and I dont need another person to shove me into a vestibule for hanging clothes and borderline telling me not to be me.

I live a hard life. Im sure many of you do. My recommendation is that don't allow another person pressure you to be anyone but you. Cause quite frankly ur good at being you.

[Antonio]

I've dated, for seven years. But it turned out impossible to handle and now it's over. Specially when my boyfriend needed to go to the hospital and I couldn't drop by to visit him because he was hidding me from his family. I don't think you need to come out to everyone but, at least, you must come out to yourself - if you know what I mean! ;)

[corrective_unconscious]

Not long term, but I wouldn't even date for a short while someone who is in the closet and appearing on a TV show saying so.

That would seem to raise other questions - and also about viewers who don't smell something radically off.

[michaelj72]

yes i would and i have. reality being what it is, sometimes the semi-closeted guys are what come my way or....whatever..it all depends. i was in the closet, i mean we all were and coming out has various stages so i don't see why that should be an automatic deal breaker. the dating didn't last long meaning i didn't have the long term things when i was coming out but i'm glad i got a chance to try it out while i was coming out....

a lot of this depends on expectations and if you have the expectations for the beginnings of a fully committed relationship from right off the bat and taking him home to mom the second weekend you know him, well that's a different story and you'd want someone already out and/or pretty comfortable with himself....

[Jeff Ashner]

Yes, if you just take it for what it is.

[Nathan]

Why not? You are limiting who you meet if you immediately discard someone like that. You just need to recognize what you are getting into from the beginning.

[php_guru]

Date? No!

Fuck the hell out of? Oh yea...

[Josh]

Absolutely. Straight couples don't have the right to demand their partners change their relationships with the in-laws. What the hell makes you think you should have that right?

[gagz]

well my case is different,i am a married,but closeted gay or sorry was.had a boyfriend who became very possesive,and after a fite one day called up my family.please realise that our society is still othetrdox.now im out 2 my immediate family its difficult

[Mark]

NO!
I have dated a few that were closeted or BI and I felt like they were trying to put me back in the closet.. Isn't going to happen.. I was married 15 long years and when I came out it was the best thing I did for myself.. why they want to lie to themselves and not be able to be happy is beyond me.. and the married ones Hell and there are alot of them. do they really think they are doing any kind of justice to their families.. I have 2 children from my marriage and my ex-wife and I are both out to them. They are very stable young people and love us for who we are.It's not the dark ages anymore people!

[Laun]

I don't plan to date a person in my closet its full of clothes and things and there are better places to hangout. No, I be as I am open.

[Andrew]

I'm glad I'm not the only one who Would date someone in the closet. Sometimes the risks out weigh the benifits. Have your family never talk to you again. To me famliy is everything. Boyfriends come and go but family is forever. If my bf was in the closet I would support him
100%! Why come out if it is going to be the worst for you? Why, so some shallow people may or may not date you.....

[Tim]

I've been there. He wasn't out to his family, and he kept on promising he would, and for several years I was his dirty little secret who had to hide when his parents came over and who was a 'roommate' the rest of the time.

I learned my lesson. Guys who are closeted are living in perpetual fear, and it's impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone in that situation. Also, adult men who are still in the closet have a good deal of practice at manipulation and dishonesty, and that's no good for a relationship either.

[Aedon]

I dated a guy for 2 years who was closted to his parents but his brothers and sisters knew, I told him almost everyday to come out to his parents and he finally did. It wasn't the way he planned but he did it none the less. I was at his house for a party and his parents came in and instead of saying oh this is my buddy, he held my hand and said this is my boyfriend. His parents weren't happy but he felt like a weight was lifted.

I was so happy that he did and I agree you need to be out to family at least because you can't hide who you are forever. Somewhere down the line they'll know and yuo never know how they react until you do it.

It's a blind leap of faith but what isn't in this world?

[zarxo]

Why are they in the closet? Psychology, employment, and regional cultures may all pressuppose the need to be closeted. So each is weighed specifically and individually.

I would question a man closeted in San Fransico but in rural Virginia, one may need to remain closeted to "maintain a job," which is a source of living--the first two things we ask when we date: Does he have a job and car, so don't approbate and reprobate your same maxim here--be fair but be wise.

On the other hand, people choose fulfill societal roles based on self-image, what they feel they can do best. An excellent business owner may not be an excellent lover. Everyone is socialized by culture--if you know the language well then you've been socialized.

As an out semi-out man (not homophobia here, other reasons), I could date a closeted man, but if he does the same with me, doesn't that defeat the agenda to be closeted? Hum. Somewhere with relationships full discosure hits my lips--its either that or monogamy. Monogamy anyone!--see, I'll take brutal honesty anyday.

Closet people should date closet people, but then the coming out stage seems to have its own rules too.

[Randall]

php_guru said: "Absolutely. Straight couples don't have the right to demand their partners change their relationships with the in-laws. What the hell makes you think you should have that right?"

What about the rights of the person who has already come out? Why should more respect be given to the one that is not out versus the one that is out? It's not fair to the person who has come out to have to make all the compromises for the one that's in the closet. Relationships are about working together and meeting halfway, not making tons of concessions for one partner just because they're too immature to announce the truth.

During any relationship when one partners comes out, it typically will put such an enormous strain on the relationship that it is almost doomed to fail. The out partner cannot be expected to handle their own life plus the highly emotional event of your coming out.

Coming out to family is best dealt with as an individual so you can work through the maze of obstacles to arrive to a point where you can be an equal partner. What does a person in the closet have to give their partner if they're always shoving them in the closet? I demand equal treatment and if I've got the balls to tell my conservative, southern baptist, george bush lovin family the truth, then I expect the same from my partner. Besides, when I meet a man who is already out to everyone, it makes him 100x more attractive because it speaks to the strength of his character.

[RS]

I would never date a closeted guy again. My last bf actually stepped in front of me to try to "hide" me from a friend of his we ran into in the grocery store. I should have walked out and left him there, but instead I cried the whole way home. He was so not worth my time. I will never put up with someone being ashamed of me (and themselves) again!

[Edward]

I will never date a closeted person again. Just too many headaches and heartaches. Upon meeting someone new, if there is even a hint of closet, that's it. I don't want a flaming parader, but all that clandestine crap and having to be quiet while they're on the phone or can't go shopping together lest one of their friends see... oh no, never, ever again.

[mystic]

I dated a guy for 14 months who was closeted, and it sucked. Everytime we went out, our friends would ask questions, an we would have to lie. In fact we lied to every one about everything. You want a lasting relationship with someone? It has to be based on truth, or it will not last.

[T-Rev]

I dated a guy who was 6 years older than I who has a very religious family. So religious that he thought they would dis-own him if they ever found out he were gay. I come from a very very open and loving family of which practically told me I was gay. Bringing him home to my family was a big eye opener for him. It was a little awkward at first for him to show affection in front of my family. Then I finally met his family. First he introduced me to his parents as his roommate, and I knew this was coming, but actually hearing him say to his family was hurtful. It just ruined the weekend for me. I didn't want to be his roommate. We were already dating for 2 years. I loved him and I thought I would do anything for him, but this hurt. I felt horrible, I felt like a lie. Who wants to live their life as a lie?

On our way home I told him how hurt I was and asked if there was any chance that he would ever come out to his family, and he again assured me that no, he didn't think he would ever do it, so I just told him I didn't want anything to do with his family, and that if they ever visited I would stay with my family or friends and not be around. So 2 years later his parents finally sat him down and asked if he were gay and gave him some tapes from some guy teaching you how to change, and preaching how being gay is a choice and that he should choose to be straight again. They told him that they still loved him, and would still always be there for him and told him that he didn't have to hide being gay from them. So moral of the story, be proud of who you are and come on out of that closet! You could be hurting your relationship and might loose another chance at a great love. Plus it gets stuffy in there. It's great to be you!

[regas8]

the person who chooses to be in the closet, usually is doing it because of feelings such as shame they attach to being homosexual. They may feel they are protecting their family or coworkers. To them what others say or feel take priority over their own feelings. It would be best if they could be their authentic self. From my experience, dating someone in the closet keeps me from being my true self. I would not want that experience again.

[Rod]

I have been seeing this individual off and on for the past 10-15yrs. More off then on. He is very closeted and worried about what his friends would think if they would find out that he is gay. When we get together its only at night, and then I would have to call prior to going over to his place. Recently, he made a comment in regards to why I don't call him more often. It seems that this relationship is not a two-way street, because he doesn't feel any responsibility to take any initative to make phone calls or to contact me. So I definitely agree with an earlier comment posted by saying -- "Not only no, but hell no."

[Jeff]

I agree I would never date a guys whos no out.
I am out to frinds family and at work. And expect the same from a bf.
I also ask that they be open enough to hold hands in public.
I have lived in Edmonton Alberta Canada all my life and have never had a negitive expeince being openly gay.

[Jordan]

Well, i've recently came out of the closet lately and its been the time of my life. I've had a few downfalls with my relationship but it wasn't my fault or anything to do with being in the closet. But i can at least thank him for giving me the courage to come out to my friends and family. The fear of rejection has finally been lifted. I would date someone that is in the closet cuz i know exactly how they feel and that fear of rejection leads to depressing thoughts. But theres one thing i have is regret. Regret that i didn't do it when i was in high school. My advice to those in the closet. Don't live a lie. I'm regretting it everyday now. Live your life and be proud of who you are. Don't let evangelical christians bring you down. It will only make things worse. And i live in the same town where Jerry Falwell preached. :( And i'm out and i don't care what half the population here thinks. I'm glad I held my ex's hand in public to piss them off. Show the you can love like everyone else. :) Be happy with who you are. I'm coming with to grip with these terms now and i have been the happiest guy in my life. :)

[Martez]

Well i'm in a relationship w/ a guy now and we've been together "unofficially" since August of 2008. He was in the closet and nobody knew. Even though just looking at him u can tell by the way he does his hair and prevent himself. Still his family was in the dark. Friends may have been suspicious but didn't say n e thing. I always said i wouldn't date a younger guy and a guy who was in the closet but now i'm doing both. He recently came out to his family(all except dad) and his friends and things are well. I feel a huge weight lifted since then, but i still have feelings that maybe since i'm his 1st guy relationship that it won't last, but i try to keep those feelings aside and just enjoy my time w/ him and our future together...

[Jim]

Why is it that we talk about how brave it is to come out and how every man needs to go it in his own time when he is ready, yet so many of you act like you wouldn't even think about dating someone who didn't feel like he was ready yet. Again, many of you showing just how hypocritical the gay community is.

[CJ]

No, I wouldn't. The days of my being beholden to someone else's prejudice are OVER, and if a guy isn't brave enough to be who he truly is, he doesn't deserve me.

[The Hurler]

Never again, no, please, really, it's too tortuous dating someone so immature they can't be honest about their own life, and would rather worry more about what strangers MIGHT think than being honest.

[StevenBurg1]

Guys..U stay here in the US..Its easy. There are still parts of US-where there are difficulties for guys to come out..Too conservative places..

And dont tell me that you wud care a hoot for ur parents if they would not have accepted you.

U can care a damn about what ur parents think n be out to them and move out. If you still wanna meet them, be close to them or stay with them (for some reasons) - do u think u wud come out that easily.

I know many gay guys who are not yet out to their parents but are out to everyone else as it hardly matters since your parents might be miles away and u rarely see them.

Pls dont judge anyone based on this. What about bi guys, guys who are married..Its not easy for them to be out and then destroy their life..

Even if they come out, do u think that you would stand by them and act like their hetero partner? They just dont want to atleast risk their marriage atleast..

[Tim]

Closeted and bisexual guys are the greatest threat to our Gay, Lesbian and Transgender community -- more so than any vile anti-Gay bigots.

What these closeted and bisexual guys really do, is severely damage our self-esteem, mercilessly break our hearts and completely annihilate our lives.

AVOID THEM AT ALL COSTS. They are enemy number ONE.

And I like how most closeted or "bi" guys are the ones who say that stereotypically flamboyant gays give the community a "bad reputation," when IN ACTUALITY.. these same fearful closeted "fags" and gender flip-flopping bisexuals who are insecure with their own masculinity.. are the REAL ONES who give the Gay community a bad name: "the cowardly, no-backbone, closeted 'fag.'"

[Josh]

Don't judge all closeted gays the same. While some may not be out because of fear, there are some people who may have valid reasons. I have to be very careful about who I come out to because of employment issues. I'm sure most of you can figure out who I work for that won't allow me to be open. Just because someone is still in the closet doesn't necessarily mean that there is something wrong with them or that they cannot accept who they are.

[Laun]

I have lived in small houses, but never from or in a closet. I came out in 1996, regardless what precursor feelings I had before. Now that I've been out I don't plan on hiding, the earing in my ear is not migrating to the other. Everyone, wear yours as you please. I have to accept everyone else as the are. I don't ask much in a relationship and I often put more effort and a whole lot more as needed. But I refuse to be treated like I've got a cauldron in the cellar boiling with kid parts or a broom in the closet, or cooties. Other than being gay I am quite normal, I don't have any diseases, I do not have any male hormone problems. Just tired of being treated like a alien where there a whole lot out there like me.

[Justin]

I am a gay college student IN THE CLOSET.
I think its downright selfish for guys to immediately discount people like me because of that fact. You could be throwing away the love of your life by doing that... how would you ever know. You could be the person to help them out.

[Jermaine]

Hey, wow I love reading all these comments. My first and only relationship with a guy we both were in the closet, but we both had people that suspected us of being gay. In high school I was picked on for being gay and I didnt care to come out anymore, but in college I came to terms and started coming out at work, at school, and to my friends and ex gf. I came out to my parents finally this past February but this was two years after I left my ex on good terms. Now my ex still hasnt come out to his family, but weird story. He told a friend, and that friend told his sister he was gay and the sister freaked! She went and threated my ex and told him if he didnt break up with me that she would tell his dad, and his dad lives with him. We almost broke up but I didnt let that B*tch ruin my relationship.
Unfortunately now hes still not out, but Im out like a light bulb lol. So yeah, my answer is yes and no on dating a closeted man. I mean heck if you trust in his judgement that he'll come out soon, give it a go. But seriously I dont care where you live its 2009! People know what gay is and people should be fine with that, and if you dont like it then too bad.
I will say this though, after I told my mom I was gay, she said she doesnt want me bringing a "faggot" in her house. So I dont have to worry about bringing anyone to my fam I guess LOL.

[Joe]

It took me about 5 years to come out to my parents after I was living with my partner. Granted, it was the early 70s, but still...!

Auntie Joe has several rules for dating or guidelines for successful relationships and one of them is that both partners need to be out to approximately the same degree. Out at work, out to parents, out to neighbors, holding hands in public -- it all grinds you down if you have severe disagreements about it.

[Mikey]

Ok, so what does it mean to be closeted these days? I think people make way too much of a big deal about it. I'm gay, and comfortable with it in myself. Why do my co-workers have to know about it? Guess it helps that I'm not a big social bug.... I rarely go to work events alone, let alone bring someone else along. Besides, if you have a date, let 'em wonder. It forces people to ask things like "ohh, are you a couple?" like they would ask a guy who brought a girl (ok, maybe not in EXACTLY the same way...), but still, it's better than making a big deal about it and announcing that you're gay before they ever have the chance to see you in a beautiful relationship. Guess what? It doesn't make the fact that you're with a guy any less awkward for them.... giving people time to prepare only complicates things. If you don't force them to know and think about it, they have the option to ignore it, and many people appreciate this. To most people, you'd just be the cool gay person they know who's "normal." Yeah, I like being a normal member of society... and announcing my sexuality to everyone so that I can feel "proud" about myself -- eh, I just don't see the need for it. It is what it is, and if I don't want them to make a big deal about it, why should I?

[CJ]

How can you WANT to be in the lives of others who expect you to lie and be something you're not? How could you want acceptance from someone who thinks you're a monster? And yes, if you stay in the closet out of fear, it's because you know your family will think you're a monster if you show them who you truly are. How could you allow yourself to be treated that way? Do you hate yourself so much that you would rather be a liar than be yourself?

Stop coddling bigots, whether they're coworkers, friends, family, ANYONE. You're doing nothing wrong by being gay.

[FanT]

I think that no gay guy should come out just because someone asks them too. What works for me doesn't actually work for everyone else; every case is different. That being said, I can't say I will not date a man that is still in the closet; Who knows? I might fall in love and take it from there. I can't close the doors to new relationship oportunities. What I can't say is if I will actually tolerate being left in the dark by my "closeted bf". It would be hard not to be with him on special ocassions. And deal with all his insecurities.

[Justin]

I posted before on this... and in response to the last post: by not coming out, I'm not saying that its wrong being gay, and I'm not lying.
That is the worst argument for coming out I have ever heard. I am who I am. I would act no differently if I were straight. I am Justin first, a son second, a student, a brother... a gay person is probably LAST on my list of things that define me- its just a sexual preference. You flamers that prance around exploiting yourselves calling gay a "way of life" are creating an "us and you" mentality. Thus, making it difficult for people like me to come out because I dont want to be associated with people like you.

[Rick]

Hell no. I took too many years to get out of the closet myself. I don't hold ANYTHING at all against guys who are still in there, for whatever reason. Doesn't matter to me. However, I personally am gonna move on and conduct my search among the out-of-the-closet gang.

[stygyan]

I've been dating a guy for a lil more than two years. He was in the closet for the first year, and he continues to be to his family.

I don't really care much, but I must admit I'd love to meet his parents not as a friend but as a member of the family.

[CJ]

Justin, you assume that being out equals being a "flamer". Which is incorrect. But more importantly, how is that bad? I have friends that could be considered very flaming, but who decided that it was wrong to act that way? If that's how they want to carry themselves, so be it.

This notion that "my sexuality isn't what defines me" is a nice attempt some use to deflect, but if it was really such a tiny, unimportant part of what makes you who you are...you wouldn't work so desperately to hide it.

And there IS an "us and you" mentality. We are open about who we are, you are not. Mind you, I want us all to be on the same side, but when you pacify bigots by playing into their demands, you hurt us all.

[Gerardo]

I wouldnt do that! I had this married guy try to tell me that he wanted to be with me & he was married!!
He told me he love s his wife, but he s looking for love in me! GEt That? I didnt! how can you love your wife & looking for love at the same time? Pathetic!
We all went throw this before coming out and its very hard for some of us to deal with it. I dont think is fear that your out & you have to hide again because your partner is still hiding on the closet!
I know we all have different points of view! and I respect them but I'm not going to put myself on that possition again. See how many of them marry women just to cover up & then they cheat on them with guys all the time I mean it s not fear for anybody.

[jordi]

I would not a man in the closet as I feel it is unfair for one to have the burden of a kept secret while the other simply lives as he would normally. Alternatively, I have no actual issue with out-status as I feel it is a moot point and that bisexuality is far more common than polar homo or hetero "sexualities".

[Matt]

It's 2009, people. Get with the times and get out of the closet. If you're over 21 and you're still not out yet, you're doing harm to the community by preventing our visibility and getting in the way of our social progress. If you're still afraid of yourself, it's no wonder such a large portion of the population is afraid too--and trying to ban our marriage. Knock this bullshit off and tell EVERYONE how awesome it is to be a fag.

[outguy]

anyone who would force someone to come out to their family is just plain selfish. kudos to everyone on this site who is in a situation where they can tell their parents and close family. some people are not in your situation. one of my closest friends is the most outspoken supporter of gay issues, was the president of the lgbt center in college, but has not come out to his parents because they are roman orthodox, and if he came out to them that would be their last conversation ever. period. if you dont want to date someone in the closet because thats not your style, fine. but dont claim that everyone should come out to their parents, that is just plain wrong. thank god my parents at least tolerate homosexuals, but I understand that some people are in situations where that is not the case .

[Justin]

"How awesome it is to be a fag." Thats why I dont want to come out... I'm not as vocal as you people are. Even if I were out I would never act that way. I dont give a shit about how "flamer-ish" you want to act, it isnt normal anyways. And I'm not giving into "their" social demands, it is what it is. If you people werent so abrasive about coming out- maybe I would. The whole "pride" mentality makes it tough for me to come out. Did the suffragettes scream about pride? No, they dignifiably pickited, wrote letters, etc. They did not form an entire counter-stright culture.
Gosh... I dont think most straight people are anti gay, but I wouldnt blame them with how demanding some of you are and the lack of patience.
Today has been another set-back for my "coming out" since it is a reminder of how you people want it all.

[JIm]

This is a great topic, and much of what you guys have posted in here is very helpfull. one post by Tim really hits home to me. Ive been with a guy for a very long time, and he is totally closeted, infact everyone else is gay, except for him. Now Im just myself, and while I havent ever come out to anyone in my family except my sister and brother, and a few friends, for the most part no one cared anyhow. but for years, my partner has been a huge embarrassment to me. because even to friends, he makes me out like Im just some weird friend that has nothing better to do in my life except follow him around. and even worse, is the manipulation of everything in our lives. as embarrassing as it is to say, I cant have straight friends, cant have women friends, because I was once married, and of course guys are totally out of the question, because in his eyes all guys are gay or want sex. Obviously, I have let this evolve this way, but this article hits home, because I am just so tired,,of living this way. Thanks everyone, maybe I can get the courage to just live the way I want too.

[lol]

Justin, we don't want you on our team anyway. Go back to being straight.

[Justin]

Because I refuse to act like a girl and scream that I'm proud?
How can you be proud of something you didnt accomplish. You were born that way. Do straight people scream "I'm proud to be straight!" No.
You would probably have more people on "your side" if you weren't so loud. Its an unattractive image for those of us who are on the fence about coming out. Its called PR.