Bitter: Party of One

A few years ago, I worked at a great Italian restaurant in Chicago's West Loop. The food was classic northern Italian, had a great wine list and the atmosphere was laid back, fun and boisterous. Most of the people who came in were usually in good spirits and knew they would get a delicious meal served by a lively staff.

Every so often, we'd get a customer who, for lack of a better term, sucked. One night in particular, a group of middle aged gay men and their requisite lady—call her the hag, Grace, whatever—came in for one guy's birthday. The entire group was pleasant, drinking, engaging with each other and their server. Everyone except for the birthday boy. From the moment he walked in, it seemed like he made it his goal to make everyone else around him—friends, wait staff, the hostess—miserable. You could tell that he wasn't upset about it being his birthday, he was just a bitter person. He snapped at the bartender, scowled at the hostess, gave me attitude when I asked him to move his bag of gifts out from the middle of the aisle (it was a weekend night and the restaurant was packed) and then got in my manager's face. She subsequently laughed at him and told him to sit down.

What is it about certain people that just makes them so bitter? Are there more gay men out there who hold this trait or is it balanced among all people? Or am I just lucky that I encounter more bitter gays in my life? As gay men, are we predisposed to a bitter gene that has a higher likelihood of "turning on" when we come out?

The idea, or stereotype, of the bitter gay man has been around for decades. When you watch movies from the '70s, like "Boys in the Band," or think about who some of the bigger gay icons are like Judy, Liza or even Britney, it becomes obvious that tragedy comes somewhat naturally to our culture. Why are we attracted to such train wrecks? Is it to help us feel better about ourselves?

If you're reading this, you know you have encountered plenty of people who fall into this group, if you're not one yourself. Walking through life bitter and pissed off takes so much energy—so much more than it does to smile at someone and say something nice. For the record, I'm a pretty easy-going guy who puts a positive spin on life. But that doesn't mean I don't get bitchy sometimes. The occasional flare-up is ok, but dealing with that all the time? Personally I couldn't do it and I try to steer clear of drama. But sometimes we get caught in the crossfire and get hit with the nasty stick.

Fortunately, many of us only get hit with the stick. Others who live like that probably fell out of the bitter tree and hit every branch on the way down. It's their life. Let's just hope they don't bring us down too often. Being bitter sucks. Play it on Halloween, but don't live there all the time.

(Image courtesy of Getty)

Comments

[@Daniel_Baylis]

I don't think the gays are disproportionately more bitter than any other oppressed group (Aboriginals, people with physical disabilities, elderly.)

Perhaps we have an appreciation for a "train wreck" (hello Amy Winehouse) because we have a legacy of tragedy (oppression, AIDS, legal-non-acknowledgment); we are familiar with loss.

This is changing though, the new generation of queers is coming into an increasing sense of acceptance.

Bitterness is on the way out.

Adieu!

[Wsds]

there is plenty to be bitter about..i for one am of the newer generation and i am extremely better..i have no trouble accepting it.. the world is a terrible place and all the awful things that have happened to me with my wrong doing or not have only become worse with the passing of time. it seems people dont have a real understanding of why someone is bitter. instead they prefer to sneak away from the person and let me only get worse. i dont see any sort of friendship or understanding. so i dont think it will change anytime soon

[HINBWW]

It does not make any difference if a person is gay or not some people are just bitter. I for one have never been bitter about anything. I do not walk around with a smile on my face but I do walk around tall and proud of who I am.

[kilroyrogers]

Sorry, there are LOTS of bitter, unhappy, judgmental and even angry old gay men out there...I get bitter with local politics, when I see homos in office doing stupid things. I think we know better, as at least in Weho we are an educated and liberal group, in general. Still, the lonely, unhappy, bitter homosexual male is not exactly prevalent but most certainly is a subset.

[JudgeG]

I hope this article isn't slagging Boys In The Band - it was a brilliant and groundbreaking movie. As far as Bitter Queens go, we all need a bit of bitterness in our lives from time to time. I'm extremely bitter some weeks and extremely silly and go-with-the-flow other weeks. I'd feel a key part of the Gay community was missing without a little bit of 'bitter queen' here and there.

[TitTatToe]

Of course bitterness is debilitating, a waste of time and energy, as well as a destroyer of friendships. Nevertheless, I can understand why gays, in particular, can fall prey to that unhappy trap. Being gay has always been very challenging for me, and perhaps bitterness has crept in far more than I would like to admit. But what defines me more than bitterness is my lack of faith. I am a fearful agnostic, all because I did not will to be gay.

[Tony]

I recently had an experience where I was feeling particularly bitter when thinking about my life in relation to my (straight) siblings. I feel my parents give credence to their "life stepping stones" such as marriage and child rearing, both of which either do not come for many of us in the gay community or if they do, come as "second-hand" interpretations of the real thing (domestic partnerships and adoption). Is it not frustrating and embittering when parents bestow their countless blessings upon these institutions that we don't take participation in?

[Jonathan]

In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, bestial,
Who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
And ate of it.
I said, "Is it good, friend?"
"It is bitter--bitter," he answered;
"But I like it
"Because it is bitter,
"And because it is my heart."
The Black Riders by Stephen Crane

I have been lied to. I have been cheated on. I have been stolen from. I have loved without being loved. I have been a friend to traitors. I have been broken and I have failed. So, bitter I will be. But I WILL BE joyful again. I'll allow myself some time for the bitterness for now. I understand it's healing.

[Judy]

It's not that they're bitter, I believe it's because they're on guard. Gay men, no, frankly the whole LGBT community, gets a lot of shit these days for being who they are. Being called stupid names and even dubbed as one of the worst threats to America! It's completely and utterly stupid, and as a teenager living through this, it hurts to know my friends are possibly going through these things even if it doesn't immediately affect me. I honestly can't blame people in the LGBT community of being bitter. Then there are the situations where the person is jilted by others, whether its romantic or not, and that HAS to hurt. Like that guy, God forbid I remember his name, who spent hours on hours to work and to help put his lover through medical school, only for the lover to leave him for someone else. (From the book B-Boy Blues.) Something like that could terribly scar their heart and bitterness is just begging to come!!

My friend says that people in the Village (we live in NYC) look at you funny if you approach them to try and be friends on them. I haven't seen it for myself, but that is a clear example of being bitter and on guard. No one wants to get jilted, to get beat, to be hated on for being who they are. So being bitter is just them trying to protect themself. It's like an insecurity thing, I guess. It's because they don't want to be hurt at all and/or anymore.

Or they were just born bitter with the world.

/end rant.

I'm sorry if I sound like I know it all. A young mind has it's narcissism. Plus, it's heavily opinionated and naive. 8D

[thesp467]

Your family not accepting you for who you really are, lying to your friends and co-workers for 10 years as you serve your country, Heartbreak from the love of your life cheating on you, closing your heart off for ever, your father dies of AIDS, partying doing drugs and things you thought you'd never do, your friends die of AIDS, eating till you no longer recognize yourself, turning 40 and thinking it's over, realizing as you look around you are completely alone because you are no longer the young thin pretty boy, frustrated because you are too much of a coward to end it. Those are my reasons...

[D.]

I am a bitter person and that has come from my environment. But I do go out of my way to make sure my friends are taken care of and I’m never short with waiters, etc. I’m more sarcastic than anything. But growing up in rural Pennsylvania made me very defensive.

I went through my teenage years as the “fag” of the community even before I knew I was gay. The pain I went through was very deep and sent me to adulthood with shame and bitterness. Those feeling triggered the onset of my bi-polar disorder. My moods change very quickly at times, but I mostly internalize my anger.

My goals for the future were stifled even though I have a Master’s Degree due to my illness. I can’t hold a real job because of the side effects of my meds. My moods, the meds, and my lack of professional standing ruined my 10 year relationship. As I’m still in my hometown and going nowhere on the 10k I get from Social Security, I still feel the shame of being gay even though I am proud of who I am.

Yeah, I’m pissy and bitter but I do charity work to give back for my being on welfare. You may only see one side of that person but there is no excuse for being rude. I help a friend clean houses as a courtesy as she needs the money, something to get me out of the house. When I meet her clients, I can see their presumptions of ignorance as they own or manage businesses or hold public positions. I’m belittled intellectually and considered just help with no personal worth by these clients even though I have more education. It's not a place I expected to be after spending 6 years in college. I'm still doing odd jobs that I did in college.

Being over 30 in the gay community is basically a stroke to your ego. I think we feed our own bitterness at times over established gay criteria.

[Mike]

This is a very deep subject. While bitterness, I think, is a possibility in anyone's life, I DO think it's more prevalent in Gay people. I've seen more angry, bitter men in the Gay community than anywhere else in my life.

I think bitterness comes from feeling like you've been cheated, and many in the gay community feel as though they've been cheated a lot. They've been cheated in love, friendships, and even employment. In many ways, I think we bring it on ourselves.

An earlier post spoke on waking up one day to find you are over 40 and not the lithe young party boy you once were. Another spoke of all of your friends dying of AIDS. Still another speaks of finding himself doing the same jobs he was doing in college and being looked down on for it. They are all correct, and for these things they have the right to take time to heal and feel bitter. But we can take it too far...we keep ourselves bitter by simply accepting these things the way that they are and not put enough effort into changing them?

My significant other died of complications from AIDS in 2003. I watched him, all of his friends, and even my best friend die, pretty much all within three years of each other, and I have never felt so alone and bitter. I spent a year angry, bitter, and closed off to my closest remaining friends after that. I resolved though that I wouldn't close myself off to love, and that I was in all actuality doing that by making myself hatefilled and horrible for other people to be around, so I made a change. A couple of years later I found another person who felt just the same as I did. We've since gotten together and are now building a new life together with new goals and plans, and life doesn't seem so bad anymore.

Someone in a previous post stated that bitterness is a form of healing. and I think he may just be right. The problem is that too many of us continue with the bitterness until no one wants to be around us anymore and we are lonely. We make it a sort of hell for ourselves and unless we find a way to move past the bitterness we can't start working on a new tomorrow.

[D.]

I too have had friends die from AIDS though not a lover. And I had to move on, but I don’t forget them. They are a part of me. Just as the feelings of resentment, shame and guilt have guided my life as a gay man, I too cannot dismiss those feelings as they have made me who I am, right or wrong. I try very hard to work with those emotions and although I can move forward, they cloud my influence when I’m with people. Perceived judgments and misguided innate concepts can keep you from moving on as fast as others believe.

I have no gay support besides a few gay chat rooms. The rooms of late have had few local people and of those, they are just looking for sex. I cannot engage in better self-esteem beliefs in that environment as it is advantageous to the stereotypes of the culture. All my friends have moved to the city and are two hours from me. No real social events except for a gay event on occasion, maybe a trip to the city twice a year.

I watch my straight friends with their families and children and the admiration of the public for their accomplishment of merely passing on their genes. I have taught both High School and College courses and have passed my knowledge on. But anything I pass on can be forgotten and deemed meaningless. To bare your own child and teach them religion, that is the epitome of “life” as viewed by today’s society. A religion that through the interpretations have sponsored intolerance and hatred, thoughts I evaded during my youth but was chastised socially for my digressive thoughts and opinions.

I feel my life was taken because I’m gay. But I’ve accepted it and am open about it, I just don’t advertise it. Things are never forgotten. I have made changes and I don’t have a candidate for a new relationship that would “easily” allow me to move on. I have no flood gate that I self-imposed just for self loathing. It is my life, my dark and hollow existence. We can all be bitter; however, we don’t need to show it by being rude to others.

And yes, I do have counseling and have taken almost every medication for my disorder.

[Dax]

I think gay people just tend to throw the word "bitter" around loosely, but often times my jadedness or cynicism tends to be mistaken for bitterness. I like to laugh and have a good time like everyone else, and I'm certainly not the type of person who likes to rain on someone else's parade. I also don't share a lot of same attitudes of my most of my peers, I despise the club scene and the type of music played there, even though I'll pop my head in every once in a while just to remind myself why I don't go to them that often, and I really have no use in pretending I'm someone I'm not to please people.

It's funny though. Some of my friends act completely opposite of what has been described as "bitter", are complete social butterflies at parties and at the clubs, have people that admire and love them, and seem to have an endless and constantly growing stream of friends and social contacts, but you get them out of that element and by themselves with you, and they're completely unhappy with life, insecure about themselves, talk shit about everyone behind their backs, and act well...bitter.

I'm completely myself when I go out, I don't kiss ass, stroke egos, or say what people want to hear. I'm direct, upfront, pay no attention to who's popular or "A-list", and if I don't like you, you'll know. Yet, I get called bitter.

[Ken]

As an older gay man, I see younger men acting as if us older men owe them something. I see younger guys with no morals anymore, lie and use people. A lot of men online are liars a shame, they'll just be bitter as I am when they get older. Gay life is a lonely life.

[LR880E]

@Daniel_Baylis - Let me get my violin,...lol, oppressed group,...lol. It is ones internal and external issues and how they deal with them that cause them to be bitter, not belonging to an "oppressed" group. If it were group related, there would be a higher rate of bitterness in one group over another group.

[JC]

Well I hve read all the postings and I think everone has a point. but I think its all diffrent for everone. I hate my life for lieing about being gay I got married had kids I atleast had a life. after comming out there just seems to be nothing I have a good in come a few good friends and fam but I will be 30 this year and I look at my friends and that are all married living lives. I dont care about money it being lonly and I found most gay men just want sex so that fixes nothing so yea I am bitter I have tried to change that tried to date ect. it still ends the same way home and in bed by 10 every night and up at 6 for work this is not a life I will never understand how ever gay man is not bitter

[Darryl Jansen (ltr_search)]

BITTER NO BUT MY standards are high.
More Like What I am NOT looking for... And that is a Person who wants an OPEN relationship and has NO idea the meaning of Monogamous. AND a smoker/heavy drinker. With Heavy PROFANITY . "Long and short"
I AM NOT HERE TO BE ABUSED OR BE A "WHIPPING CHILD" FOR THE SICK MINDED "CREEP" (as an unpleasant or obnoxious ) Only for the dedicated need to reply. I REMAIN
AND
Getting tested for both HIV and other STDs beforehand would be extremely helpful—if mutually monogamous (neither partner has other partners) partners test negative for syphilis, HIV, herpes, chlamydia and gonorrhea, there is no risk of spreading those infections. This IS LOVE!!!!!
NOW WHO IS "BITTER" ME OR YOU?

[Michael Sawyer]

I think many gays seem to have disproportionate ideals of how life is, how it should have been, and how it should be. In many respects, its harder to be gay, but in some respects, its easier. The older generation often feels cheated by what the newer/younger has in rights, social freedoms, etc, and I think the younger generation has little patience or appreciation for what we have now.

That said, I see FAR more bitter jaded youth than middle aged/elderly gays, and I think that has less to do with the fact that they are gay and more to do with the generations we are raising. We are teaching kids nowadays that they are unique, special, and worthy of everything, and of course, ask anyone over 30, life does not work that way, haha.

[JB]

Yeah, I agree with some of the previous posts that bitterness exists to some extent in all social groups but gays are more apt to experience it because of the constant obsession with youth, fitness and perfection. Some people that may not be as lucky to have the genetics or wealth to age well find themselves ostracized at early an early age when everyone else around them is looking for someone 10 or 15 years younger. I always find it amazing when some average looking older person actually believes they have even a remote possibility of meeting someone really attractive half their age. When they constantly fail at doing so they are some of the ones who become bitter

[Darryl Jansen (ltr_search)]

Yea You may have a Point... "Michael Sawyer" But This so called generation thing? Is something I could never keep up with since the 1970's HA!! HA!! So much water pasted under the bridge you could say.

[Robert Roberts]

I made it a point a few years past because of counseling to contact all my ex partners that mattered to me in my life and who were significant. The purpose being was to ask them questions I could not do while we were together and to find answers to why our relationship ended and so forth. It usually was in email form and or on the telephone, and never face to face. It seemed at some point that some were willing to participate in this counseling therapy for me and others were not. I noticed that some questions were not taken well and some honesty was not accepted. Yet, I found that it helped me to look more at myself. Who I was back then and who I am today. I think we attract certain people in our lives at certain times for a reason. And these life lessons are important to learn while we have a chance to understand them. I think most of us are blessed with one good true love in our lives and the others are just a reflection of that true love. It least it was for me. I was lucky to have been given that gift. I think that most gay men realize this as they look back at their lives and their analyzations. It is a frightening thing. I can see where the bitterness comes from. I understand the older gay man at a neighborhood bar sitting alone caressing his drink after drink alone with his past thoughts and no one paying attention or caring and he realizing this. I shed a tear because I think it will happen to every gay man. The one's who die young or of AIDS are the lucky ones.

[Darryl Jansen (ltr_search)]

"JB" You are right ALSO!
Thank you!

[Eric]

I truly believe that gay people who accept themselves early in life and build a social network around themselves are usually not bitter. On the other hand many gays are either in the closet or don't fully accept their true sexual identity. Unless you live in a "gay community" in a city etc...the rest of America is extremely straight and family oriented, and gay people can become isolated and get extremely lonely and bitter as the years pass.

[gary]

for me bluntly i get frustrated with the repulsive shallowness of gay men and wonder even how i would fit into the world of men

[mark]

i agree. i think there are a disproportionate number of bitter gay men, young and old. they/we are their own worst enemies. i think they/we are consumed with being rejected by society and our fellow gays. many wants and looks for a prettier face, better body, bigger xxxx, etc.. beneath the contacts, acne meds, orthodontics, etc, we're all pretty much the same and average by definition. but many spend their lives looking for "someone special"---he/she is usually right before them, next door, their best friend, etc. someday, they will be sitting in a bar, crying in their beer, popping prozac, and looking at the guy in the mirror and wondering why no one likes them and why they are still single.

[CharlietheUnicorn]

Based on my own experience and observations, it's the tendency of gays to view you not as an individual, but as a part of a group. Also, the gay mainstream's preoccupation with the politics of hate and control, along with a bizarre focus on the physical to the detriment of the spiritual and intellectual, may serve to repel and reject the actual gay majority.

[Le Bunny]

Here's to the ladys who lunch, everybody laughs
everybody rise!
everybody rise!
Bitter Queens, rise!
(what is heard is tumbles of chairs, glasses=some prescription , some not..hitting the floor and pairs of knock off maddens trampling for the door..all bitter queens have risen and are exiting, but not understanding that at they same time they are being identified as the cause...we all have dis power, and all should watch out for flying houses

[Chatroom observer]

Hatred by mainstream society + Shunned and rejection by your own people ( gays ) + Lonliness and Isolation = Bitterness.

We create our own problems.

Straight America I fit in better, and not bitter, because they'll socialize with you, no matter how you look or your age. With gaymen, its the exact opposite. If you dont meet a specific look, or a sluttin whore or a age range, your non-existant...so yes I can see why and how some get or are bitter.

Before you call someone bitter in a chatroom next time...STOP and take a very good look at yourself...YOU"LL be amazed why some become bitter.

Just call me an observer in the chatrooms for over 12 years...I pretty much seen it all.

[Toph]

It's not that bitter gay men are bitter because they like to be; it is because society has made them that way, and it is almost out of habit. The guy you encountered at the restaurant was not bitter, just a pain in the a**. I am a bitter gay man only because I have been single for so long, and have been dumped so many times without reasons that I can't help but keep my guard up and my hopes down. It's really a defense mechanism from feeling exposed and unloved.

[TheLordofWales]

First, let's talk BODY.
Prolonged drug usage and other self-abuse we see in the gay community will cause mental rifts. This is brain damage and cannot be reversed.
I tend to treat these people like someone with any other brain trauma. Accepting their condition as PHYSICAL, not MENTAL, is the key.
You wouldn't kick a 1 legged man for not running. Don't kick someone who has OBVIOUS brain damage or the symptoms of it (i.e loss of emotional perspective).

Second, the excuse "Life's been hard. I get to be a jerk." is something plenty of people rise above.
If someone has no history of self-abuse or disease then it MIGHT be NURTURE instead of NATURE.
Get them to test people and situations!
Get them to act happy and upbeat in 5 potentially hazardous situations and record the results. Then have them act like themselves in 5 similar situations and see what happens.
Once you have a fair comparison ask them which results they'd prefer to have.
Often the results are SO apparent and shocking, the person realizes how much of their life they've lost being bitter.
They'd never know it without the test though.

So the first question you need to ask is "Is it NATURE or is it NURTURE?"
Do they need a Doc or a Shrink?

Keeping a solution oriented mind about people and realizing their problems are limited to either Nature or Nurture is one way to keep from getting cynical.from getting cynical.

[Mike]

The bitter attitude demonstrated by many in our society regardless of age is just that an attitude, and attitude is something that can be changed by the individual.

Bitterness can stem from being rejected, not being able to control every situation to the preferred outcome, and dwelling on the negative events in our lives. Wanting Camelot but getting reality and unable to deal with situation and move on. Bitterness dwells on the negativity and allowing it to fester into outrage.

The outrage of bitterness then drives the positive events and people away before there is a chance for interaction. You can't be happy with life, or those you may meet and want in your life, if you are not happy with yourself, and accepting of your own short sightedness. To thy ownself be true and you can be true with others.

[jordi]

Whether or not bitterness creeps into anyone specifically due to a set or circumstances or is just a general phenomena that affects persons of universe, thus effecting their interactions with others, is a superficial idea. Bitterness is thrown around as soon as an opposing ideal is met and people are all too willing to categorise the seemingly grotesque nature/attitude as an undesired, isolated trait of a specific individual without offering much introspective thought.

I find negativity to be a useful lens to view people and culture through and I do agree that it is emotionally and mentally exhausting some days but I do not think it to be a singular issue. Gay man can be intolerable, vicious, pack-oriented, attackers who for their own reasons think it perfectly fine to lay down judgment upon others who function in different circles (hypocrisy, yes -- I am judging).

I have always felt like, and acted accordingly, an outsider. I loath bars/clubs, I appreciate the art of dance but can go without practicing it, dislike being drunk, open-relationships, am fine with certain levels of promiscuity (excluding group sex which I judge as being uncouth) and I definitely feel the strain of not looking like a molded mass of perfection, disagree with PRIDE and fail to see the significance of gay-marriage issues. That being said, I see no issue with having such opinions but I am generally disliked and ignored for having them and I often can be said to return the same sentiment to others.

What I feel is of significance, and not just personally motivated opines, is the general abandonment of gay men between gay men. Some are all too willing to excommunicate a person based on their beliefs by lumping it as immaturity, bitterness, depression, self-isolation, "issues", condescension, or faux-intelligence of a weak variety, etc. I think that there is an unofficial guideline stating that, "he who is different must be cast aside and left to rot in his own environment save for the betterment of gay society" and that is unwaveringly applicable to all on Earth. So, as one eventually become isolated after being abandoned and ignored by most all of the gay community he is barred from and uninterested in then resentment seems appropriate even if toxic to the health of one's own mind and body.

P.S. Gossip is as much abhorred as it is loved and freely practiced without remorse. Maybe, abandonment aside, the vicious rumours which populated the mouths and minds of queer worldwide have something to do with bitter feelings too.

[UnCutPozGuyNWA]

I feel what we are perceiving as bitter maybe something more. There is a disproportionately large number of people (increasingly so in the gay community) that have some type of mental disorder.
Whether it be depression or bipolar, social anxiety disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, ADHD, etc. The person may be (excuse my french) bitchy for lack of a better term or bitter at best.
These people do not necessarily have the same mentality as other mentally average people.
Presumably if they would seek proper diagnosis and treatment the person would no longer be bitter. Perhaps the person could even at that point come to live a vibrantly healthy life.

[Ray]

All my life it seems I've been the piece of ass on the side, the guy to take to dinner and then casualy fuck with and toss aside. I've never felt like anyone ever thought of me as relationship material, but I guess I put myself in that position. And now I'm over 40, fat, and young gay men almost make the Sign of the Cross at my approach in a bar. And yeah, it made me bitter and angry for a long time. But, that was all wasted time. I'm now happy with myself, and resigned to the fact I'll be alone for the rest of my life, as I have been all the days before. Life gets a lot less stressful once you've had the hope beaten out of you. A previous poster made a VERY good point - I feel more accepted and welcome when I'm out with straight friends than when I'm around gay people. Like all else things in life, we (gays) create most of our own problems.

[TED]

HUMANS are bitter. Gays are not special or privledged. Everyone can be nasty. Just ask dickhead cheney!

[Kevin]

There's a simple reason, bitternees is a symptom of depression and depression is higher amoung homosexuals.

I myself am taking meds for it, I try not to be so bitter and saecastic but I can't always catch it in time.

[Lee]

I can totally understand why older gay men are bitter (especially those who are now on disability and who are finanically strapped).

We tend to forget that most older single gay men came out when being gay was not only considered immoral but illegal. Many of us have lost family and employment soley because they were gay or hiv+.

In our gay society once a single gay man reaches 40 he is considered over the hill. We are treated as if we are something to be avoided and treated like leapers. We the age group who fought and died for many of the gay rights that the younger gay generation now take for grantted.

Personally, I have not only lost friends and lovers to AIDS but several gay cousins. Like many others I marched, protested and supported (both financially and in other ways) gay and HIV organizations, but when I found out I was HIV and without a job not one of these same agencies were there for me. I was physically attacked in my office of my former employer and then fired (they found out I was HIV and they had to find a legal way of getting rid of me). I went to almost every gay/hiv org and found zero help because my situation wasn't high profile and in the newspapers. I even went to the anti violence project (in NYC), to be told that they were too financially strapped to help me fight my former employer! I later found out that this agency gave 10k to a man in miami who help find the murder of a famous gay fashion mogel. This same ageny had the nerve to send me several letters requesting donations from me. Would this make you bitter/angry?

When my friends, who I had helped (financially, when I was making major $$$) found out I was HIV they suddenly disappeared. Would this make you bitter/angry?

I guess all these things help me to be bitter at times, especially when gay/hiv orgs, now center their attention on non gay people with hiv and have forgotten those who helped them financially and in other ways.

[stache40pa]

I found it interesting that your scene starting like a Fraiser episode. Daphne being the poor ole hag. No age was mentioned of this birthday boy. I believe age just might be the biggest factor. In youth we are moreso upbeat and inspired, anxious to reach into hopefully long life ahead of us. I also noticed that the misfits of youth usually had some personal problem such as being chubby, goofy looking and uncordinated.. etc. Many of these can be very unpleasant to be around. Early on peer rejection has clenched in a good bit. Even with such handicaps working against them as they seek relationships, the nature of youth in general gives them the drive and confidence to push on. On the other hand, the bitter birthday boy say over 50 is all grouchy and tense. When your smile lines become furrows of worry and disdain and the tension of the ever alarming conscience up keeping up your guard, by 50 we look worn out, at least most of us do. There was no mention of some close partner. Age speaks for itself, Its generally ugly. The exceptions here are the real exceptions. They, as the younger misfits, push on but the older group are the sucess stories not the rejects of youth. I feel so many older men don't feel sucessful nowadays. When we try to look ahead to over 50 it almost gives us an immediate sense of gloom, especially based on todays ecconomy. I really don't think grouchyness is much more different than overeating or drinking are, far as letting off pressure goes. It sure is horrible when someone is all three. Face it, in the gay world looks, and 'having it all together' is the premium. They are the exception, not a true measurement. That somehow has mistakenly adhered in our minds to make us beleive that that is what we should be and if we aren't or its too hard to get there, then we go warpped in some way...

[Anon]

I've been a part of the gay community for only about 8 months. Maybe that means my opinions don't carry the weight those of gay men and women who've been "here" for much longer do. And I'm just 19, so I admit I have a lot to learn yet. But what I've witnessed of the gay world so far makes me wonder that MORE gay men and women aren't bitter. The contributors here share many valid reasons for feeling bitter. But it's Bendersky's article that, to me, sheds most light on the supposed conundrum of gay bitterness. The first question I asked soon after coming out was why so many gays, after having struggled—and continuing to struggle—so hard for freedom from an often malignant heterodoxy, should so imperiously impose their values on one another. There's a way gay guys should behave. There's a "right" attitude to have. There's even a time limit to the pain people are allowed to feel after the death of or abandonment by loved ones. Maybe gay bitterness, if it's as rampant as Bendersky implies, results from people being judged, condemned, and dismissed by their own communities, instead of being simply accepted.

I've had a very good life so far. But if enough traumas happened to me, like I see happen to gays and lesbians in the USA all the time, even in a liberal, urban center like Seattle, I'm confident eventually I'd become bitter, too. Bitterness results in part from sufficient sustained emotional challenge, without enough credible evidence these challenges will abate. Prejudices from within the gay community compound those from without, and these are in turn exacerbated by the callous, dismissive, dehumanizing attitudes so many of us impose. Older gay men are always telling me the cruelty the gay world subjects them to dwarfs anything the straight world could dream up. Once incredulous, I'm now a believer after reading Bendersky's fatuous rant.

[An American]

Perhaps, just perhaps it's articles like this that is the cause...

[chris]

I've been accused of being bitter, and sometimes I feel that way, but chalk a lot of it up to being treated poorly by a lot of other gay men. I can't count the number of times I've been ignored, snubbed, insulted and taunted by members of this "community." It doesn't matter if it is about my clothes, my education, my body or my religion. I'm of the opinion that for every bitter gay man out there, there's at least one arrogant, abusive gay shithead.

[Dale]

Sometimes we mistake bitter for defensive. Some queers have been abused by society, family, school mates, co-workers and even the gay community all of their lives. Some have been physically beaten, have had there lives threatend more than once, taken financially advatage of by their own so-called friends and family, physically taken advantage of time after time, have lived in fear of being found out or of being attacked, have had terrible luck in relationships, have been called every name in the book from fag to cocksucker and have lost friend after friend to AIDS, drugs, alcohol, murder and God only knows what else. Many could relate stories that could keep a soap opera going for decades. Eventually they start believing if they re-act first they won't be attacked.

[cannuck]

Bitterness, schmitterness -- to paraphrase the reconstructive prefixing of Kathy Griffin. The gay male mind is obsolete when it comes to interpretation of tone; some, most all of the Conservative-minded zealots, relate this decayed tonal-perceptiveness to alcohol-assisted, overexposure to loud speaker of gay bars.

The world over, gay men are succumbing to their inept abilities and havoc is reeking. What once was thought to be bitter is now being timely proven to reflect mostly internal deficiency. Tragically, only 2 % of all gay males will avoid this destined semi-deafness.

I often wonder what those boys who define their lives fussing over proper social etiquette have to complain about. In my experience, the general population can not appreciate modesty let alone understand signal-transference. For instance, whenever I find myself trapped within the confines of a gay-bar I see what I consider indecent human behaviour.

Yes! I am referring to those men who, either for being impoverished or reluctant, refuse to apy for their own drinks. Obviously this extends to food, clothing, "swag", and transportation as well. Upon counter-refusal, these men drunk to incoherency berate their cornered suitor for not being polite. Apparently policy does not extend to the form of expression. Lest we forget the addict of the gay world who would go into withdrawal if they were held accountable to the finances.

The world happens outside of bars though and in fact, the same policy extends the outer world as it does the intoxicated world. Within the community, it is essential to understand that there is a class system in place and it is indeed not taboo. One must be this tall, the good looking, this financially secure, this financially giving, the sexually adequate, etc. to operate successfully with the elitist realms otherwise simple conversation cannot occur. Individuals will be thoroughly not tolerated unless he or she meets these specific base requirements.

An example of this modern world-practiced behaviour can be witnessed at any Starbucks, shopping center, boutique, gym, beach, or cruise ship -- weather permitting. Simple questions alike: how are you? where did you get those shoes? is that your car being vandalised? are absolutely unnecessary as human lifespans are too short for enlarged ego reduction waits. Of course this is vital to the community as there is no time like the present to set the bar towards more meaningful queries: want your arse fucked? you like uncut? is your boyfriend asleep?

Lastly, and my penultimate favourite, is the interaction between men of non-disclosed sexually oriented identification and gay men. Take the cigarette as a fine example; expensive, addictive, aesthetically appealing -- a must want! The other day a British boy of early pre-quarter century age whom I regular come across on local transit, who regularly begs for small change and nicotine, asked me for some change -- no, said I. Upon realising I had a cellular in my pocket he inquired for potential use of my phone -- yes, I replied.

Days later, this boy sees me with a fresh package of smokes as I hastily walk to catch a 2 minute-away coach home. He again asks for money, no; asks for cigarettes, no! Astonished at my incredulous preservation of my own purchase, he poignantly points out that he too is male and points out his relative attractiveness -- though his intonation phrases it more as a question than a statement -- as a meritorious and pivotal reasoning to give him for free what he neither offered or bothered to buy.

He then launched into an angry lecture about me being "that" and how my audacity to not share was unbecoming of a gay man towards a hot man of non-disclosed identification. Evidently, the adage of, "beggars cannot be choosers" does not include the modern translation of beggars not being bitchers.

Though, obviously this is not indicative of bitterness but only of tonal-incomprehension. The destructiveness of the gay-club has far-reaching hues of pink -- bitterness, shmitterness.

[The Studly Guru]

A person can waste an entire lifetime justifying why he or she is bitter.
To be bitter is a tragic and sad state of being.
There are plenty of injustices out there in the world and everyone claims their share is bigger than others.
Instead of getting bitter, do something, change your own little world.
Tragedies, heartaches, dissappointments,injustices.....they are part of life, you can accept them and deal with them and contribute and do your part so there will be less of them (injustices)which in turn will make you a bigger and better person with life full of meanings OR you can moan and groan and whine and end up being old and mean and bitter.
Happiness really lies in your own hand.
PEACE

[j]

I'm bitter and happy in my bitterness it protects me and keeps me safe I've been shit on by this world since childhood growing up gay and native american it didn't take me long to see that unless your are a well off white person you'll get the short end of the stick but then after a bad work accident and a bad car wreck I became disabled and I can tell you it only got worse gay men have such high standards for themselves none of us could possibly live up to them I don't have a great job with lots of money for a fancy car or a huge house in the city or the newest fashion so in turn even in a small gay community I'm treated like an outcast why shouldn't I be bitter do you think if I got over it people would change? I know they won't call me bitter call me cynical but at least I call them like I see them.

[The Truth]

I like my men like I like my coffee: cold, strong, black and bitter.

[Scott R]

I feel most bitter gay ppl are thus so because they do not fall into mold of gay culture/stereotypes. I personally am a wonderful caring loving person (with poor grammar), but I've only found one person who was willing to look past my imperfections to see that. Until the GLBT community starts treating each other with love and respect (instead of a chunk of meat) how are we to expect the rest of the world to do so. I'll be honest I'm prolly the most bitter gay guy I hope you never meet!

[Peter]

A disproportionate number of gay men? I think the author might have a point. I think many of our bitter brothers, as evidenced by the many posts here, have yet to grow up and take responsibility for their own lives. Bitterness is often an extension of victimhood, something some in our community hold onto, becoming blind to a way out, because it has so become a part of the "safe-world" and persona they project. Bitter, gay or straight is not a pretty thing, and dealing with someone who acts constantly like a victim gets old as well. We blame society, religion, our families, men in general, gay men inparticular, disease, death, loss of love, lack of love, etc--- the list can go on and on. Yeah, the world has screwed you over, but it is part of what makes you human. In the end we all end up in the same place. Bitterness and victimhood are really just forms of self-agrandizement. You would be far better off asking the question "why not me" than the question "why me?" Why shouldn't this stuff happen to you, it happens to a lot of people for all sorts of reasons, and the fairy tale lives of straight people are wraught with their own problems. We can all get on better in life with an ounce of compassion and a willingness to walk in other's shoes. But please, eventually get over yourself and being a victim and move on!

[Adrian L.]

I never understand the whole bitter thing and does misery love company? yes when it comes to these energy vampires. Boo Hoo we have all had it hard you big babies. Get over it life is way to short to listen to your drama day in and day out. I have been through the mill of shit that life has had to offer and it wasnt till I changed my outlook that anything got better. It never helps to stay so negative and be a bitter bossy bitch. No one appreciates this behavior. The best advice I ever got was "Get over yourself? I did and now find life to be full of joy and happiness. I will cross the street to stay away form this negative shit and close people out of my life who want me to witness their martydom. Get over yourself life will be much better when you do!