Bitter: Party of One

A few years ago, I worked at a great Italian restaurant in Chicago's West Loop. The food was classic northern Italian, had a great wine list and the atmosphere was laid back, fun and boisterous. Most of the people who came in were usually in good spirits and knew they would get a delicious meal served by a lively staff.

Every so often, we'd get a customer who, for lack of a better term, sucked. One night in particular, a group of middle aged gay men and their requisite lady—call her the hag, Grace, whatever—came in for one guy's birthday. The entire group was pleasant, drinking, engaging with each other and their server. Everyone except for the birthday boy. From the moment he walked in, it seemed like he made it his goal to make everyone else around him—friends, wait staff, the hostess—miserable. You could tell that he wasn't upset about it being his birthday, he was just a bitter person. He snapped at the bartender, scowled at the hostess, gave me attitude when I asked him to move his bag of gifts out from the middle of the aisle (it was a weekend night and the restaurant was packed) and then got in my manager's face. She subsequently laughed at him and told him to sit down.

What is it about certain people that just makes them so bitter? Are there more gay men out there who hold this trait or is it balanced among all people? Or am I just lucky that I encounter more bitter gays in my life? As gay men, are we predisposed to a bitter gene that has a higher likelihood of "turning on" when we come out?

The idea, or stereotype, of the bitter gay man has been around for decades. When you watch movies from the '70s, like "Boys in the Band," or think about who some of the bigger gay icons are like Judy, Liza or even Britney, it becomes obvious that tragedy comes somewhat naturally to our culture. Why are we attracted to such train wrecks? Is it to help us feel better about ourselves?

If you're reading this, you know you have encountered plenty of people who fall into this group, if you're not one yourself. Walking through life bitter and pissed off takes so much energy—so much more than it does to smile at someone and say something nice. For the record, I'm a pretty easy-going guy who puts a positive spin on life. But that doesn't mean I don't get bitchy sometimes. The occasional flare-up is ok, but dealing with that all the time? Personally I couldn't do it and I try to steer clear of drama. But sometimes we get caught in the crossfire and get hit with the nasty stick.

Fortunately, many of us only get hit with the stick. Others who live like that probably fell out of the bitter tree and hit every branch on the way down. It's their life. Let's just hope they don't bring us down too often. Being bitter sucks. Play it on Halloween, but don't live there all the time.

(Image courtesy of Getty)

Comments

[Mark]

Hoe about being bitter about just Gay men and what they have turned relationships and dating into??? if relationships even exist any more, and gays want marriage and they can't ev en stay in bed with each other for an entire weekend, YES, I'm bitter about what we've bastardized relationships into Hello......

[D.]

I am so glad to hear that there are gays out there who have an epiphany in life and see the light. We all should just suck it up and be a "man." We are living the life we created for ourselves and should just do a 180 and our lives will be perfect. It must be that easy. I guess we are all so vain and feel the world revolves around us that we should let that vision go and we will see all the wonders life has to bring. I will see a handsome Prada wordrobe, a fully staffed home and can live on an estate with all the luxuaries of the good life. My life is happy with family and friends, but I will not fake being such a joyous person. Do I hate myself for hating myself to become happy?

[Chris Reidy]

I think any large group of people that puts a high degree of emphasis on perfection is bound to be consistently disappointed...and this leads to bitterness. The gay community, at least in the recent past, has put such a high premium on being fabulous and successful that it's almost impossible to meet those standards. This, combined with a deep seated unhappiness caused in large part by having been constantly told you're "wrong" is definitely more likely to cause bitterness. So I would say yes, there probably are a higher percentage of bitter gay men.
I myself was very bitter for many years because I felt I never fit in with the gay scene, which was very disturbing and confusing, because this was the very community I was supposed to be EMBRACED by...Oh yes, very bitter. But eventually I learned to let all that go...and when I did, the bitterness vanished. I guess I was embracing myself in a way, and then I was able to embrace the gay community, instead of the other way around.
Of course, there are people regardless of sexuality, etc. that just seem to dwell on the negative. I suppose it's the personality they are born with. That I find very sad.

[DH]

I agree with the post by Peter.

Many gay folks in our community LOVE the "victim" role. We are always blaming others for our own short comings. Our community should realize that it's not ALL about being gay ALL the time. There is more to life than bars, sex and drugs.

Most gay men and not all, but most need to work on being disciplined and focus on other things besides sex. We have different partners, go to sex clubs, bars etc just hoping to get laid. And, again NOT ALL gay men live this lifestyle; but many do. After a while, that lifestyle starts to tear our own sense of self down to nothing, which can lead to being bitter.

Just read the various posts on this and other gay sites. We constantly complain, and ridicule others for judging us. Yet, we do the same thing. We are never satisfied. We complain about not being able to marry; we complain about "DADT"; we complain about men cheating (yet many of those who complain are cheaters themselves). Right now, I am complaining about the gay community complaining.....GOOD LORD!!!

[Nate]

Bitterness lies in the fact that gay men have too high of expectations with too little of reality. And then when they find out that life does not always work to suit who they are, who they want to be, and what they want in life, that is when the bitterness then becomes permanent due to jaded past experiences.

I am 30 years old, and I can honestly and sincerely say that I feel saddenned by most 19 and 20 year old gay boys. Knowing what I now know at 30, they will have a very tough life.

The point is, if all of us can love, like, and accept each other for who we are and who we aren't, then gay people would not be so bitter.

[Marc]

CharlieTheUnicorn hit the nail on the head - on the first page of comments.

[g]

old people can be bitter, young people can be bitter, girls can be bitter boys can be bitter

why single just one group because of their sexuality??

[RJ]

So when people talk of being "Gay, it has stolen my life" "I have been tormented all my life" "Triggered my B-polar disease" "This has made me bitter" You know what - go volunteer at a Special Olympics event, go do some work at a cancer hospital. All those people complaining of losing a loved one to AIDS - try being a person with ADIDS - think of the parents - siblings etc. Think of other people-do for other people - be happy for other people - deal with issues rather than taking a pill - You have a choice - do he right thing and be happy.

[DemonDragon]

I doubt anyone even reads these things, lol, but, I'd say I'm the most bitter because of people who think putting a condom on, makes sleeping around like some little trash whore ok, when did it become okay in society for rubber to replace morals and good values in a person?

[Aquidneck]

hmmmm...After reading all the comments posted, I definately see some in here who are a "part of" the problem , some who are only partly correct, and some who clearly know.

Lets see if you can tell by what happened to me just this morning in a chatroom ( and this pretty much happens every day to me.), Plus I am NOT bitter at all ...atleast NOT yet anyways.

I went into my usual room this morning, I said hi to several who were chatting in the room, and wished em and all others in the room a Happy Fathers Day. I got completely ignored ( how nice! Yet highly rude on the other chatters in the rooms part ).

A few minutes later a young guy comes in...Says almost exactly the same thing I just said a few minutes earlier....The response that person got was unbelievable, its like the room just came instantly alive.

Now who is the bitter one(s)? I'll give ya one clue: It is not me! Atleast I can say Hi.

Plus, how many of us can actually tell the difference between ... Having a bad day...Someone being defensive, sarcastic?

We all want equal rights, marriage rights...How can we acheive this when we show ( for the most part ) negativity, rejectionism, and yes, even hatredism towards our own gaymen.

I try my best in the room in pvt chat with a person who is "down" I never assume someone is bitter just because he comes in the room in a bad mood, etc.
If more gaymen would show compassion and understanding, insted of passing judgement and being highly discriminatory towards others...there wouldnt be any bitterness...Clearly the 4 or so other posters in here were the most correct in what I have read...Bitterness is caused by isolation, rejection from fellow gaymen, and yes, even straights.

Its not a disease, its not self-inflicted. It is caused by US! WE cause some people to become bitter.

Insted of saying someone is bitter or just brush em off like they dont exist, or are so "hung-up" on yourself that your too good to say HI to someone cuse they dont meet your standards of perfection/fantasy. Try being a solution to the "downed" persons problem and show some compassion and try and talk to him/her and allow them to feel welcomed into the community that we claim to have ( yet I see it as highly fragmented and cliquish ) no wonder we cant get equal rights or marriage! Be a part of the solution, NOT a part of the problem.

Nuff said!! If my point didnt come across clearly, then YOU clearly are in denial and are part of the problem!

[Stonewaller]

Am native New Yorker who participated
in "Three Days of Rage" following
Stonewall Rebellion. While I am
bipolar son of physically disabled
father & emotionally abused mother,
I have led relatively happy life and
am not stereotypical bitter Gay
person -- though I do know many.

JUDY
I lived in Greenwhich Village for 10
years and found most people --
Straight and Gay to be accepting.

D
I have medically resistant bipolarity
and was recently obliged to retire
on disability which has desvastated
me. Like yourself, I am on social
security though well educated and
over 30. I am trying to recover and
get over my anger though not bitter.

MIKE
I agree with you that bitterness does
not help with one's situation.

KEN
Over 50 years old, I have known both
young and old liars -- more so in
the Gay than Straight community.

LR88OE
There is definitely higher suicide
rate in Gay than Straight community.
I have not seen social science study,
but my anecdotal experience is that
there is higher rate of bitterness
among Gay men than Lesbians or
Straights.

MICHAELSAWYER
Thank you for your comments which I
felt were "right on."

ROBERTROBERTS
Like yourself I have had unanswered
questions about my relationships --
especially reason for their end.
While most of my boyfriends remained
friends for at least one year after
dissolution, a number have changed
their phone number and email and no
longer maintain contact. Thus, I am
unable to get closure. As one who has
had many friends die of AIDS, I would
hesitate tp say they were lucky ones.

ERIC
I have lived in Gay communities such
as Greenwich Village, New York and
Dupont Circle, Washington. That
doesn't immunize one from loneliness.
Remember: "Boys in the Band."

CHATROOMOBSERVER/ANON
Many of my friends and I would agree
with you that Straight people seem
more accepting of Gays than Gays.

TOPH
Given your admission of unhappiness
on account of being dumped by Gay
men, why do you blame society?

MIKE
In spirit of Shakespeare, my mother
taught me to be true to myself. Both
my parents loved me unconditionally
and accepted my homosexuality. This
gave me a good head start in life.

UNCUTPOZGUYNWA
While there may be more mental health
issues in Gay community than Straight
community, more Gays with mental
health issues are "out" about their
sexuality than their disability.
This is because there is at least one
stigma worse than being Gay -- it is
called having mental disability!

RAYBASS
There is a lot of prejudice against
older Gay men by younger Gay men. I
do feel hurt about being made to
feel unwelcome in Gay bars and clubs.
Especially when such establishments
might not exist without police
raids -- if at all -- were it not
for handful of persons like myself.

KEVIN
There is distinction btw depression
and bitterness. I am bipolar and
active in mental health community.
Not all depressed people are bitter.
My anecdotal experience is that more
Gay people are bitter than people
with mental disabilities.

LEE
The "culture of beauty" in Gay male
society discriminates against older
men and disabled of any age. As one
who was at Stonewall, I also feel
taken for granted -- but not bitter.

STACHE40PA
I have as many Straight friends as
Gay ones. I find Gays to be much
more bitter than Straights.

DALE
Not only Gays, but Jews, Irish,
Italians, Poles, Blacks, Latinos,
Asians, Indians, women, disabled,
young and old have been called
names, abused physically and
emotionally, exploited
financially and subject to drugs,
alcohol and murder. Yet, there
appears to be higher level of
bitterness among Gays.

THESTUDLYGURU/RJ
A lifelong pacifist and human rights
activist, I share your commitment to
fighting for justice. I find many
Gay men to be self centered, self
absorbed and narcissistic. While I
would agree that getting out of
oneself can alleviate some
unhappiness, there are many activists
-- especially older ones -- who feel
taken for granted and thus bitter.

J
As one who participated in American
Indian Movement, I can tell you that
there are happy poor Indians and
unhappy rich Whites. Bitterness is
not so much a matter of race or even
life circumstances as it is attitude.

PETE
I agree with you that victimhood is
not conducive to happiness. It
leads one away from taking
responsibility for one's life and
that often leads to bitterness.

MARK
I think the problem with Gay men is
not simply absence of monogamy as
lack of commitment to relationships.

[bi_zeke]

Being bitter has nothing to do with age and has more to do with an unbalanced perspective to begin with. Not all but the majority of gay men, "gay culture" and gay magazines focus completely on materialism. Plus there is a pervasive narcissism and judgmentalism that accompanies this materialism, making the gay journey one of the least spiritual.

For having a differing attitude about life in general I have met groups of gay men who were interested in me because of how I take care of my body, but as soon as I start talking deeply about life their interest wanes. I've seen many other people who are 'different' and how they are treated by "gay culture", how harshly they have been judged and discarded.

And yet watched those who have judged cry out for acceptance from the straight community and from others, demanding equality. But I'm sorry to say that one until you can give what you expect to receive you should neither get nor deserve it. What happened to do onto others. It seems the gay moto is more, 'do onto me as I want, and not as I do'.

Coming back to bitterness, it's really about having given up on your hopes, your dreams, about the world. But you can not change people, especially those who do not want to be changed, you can only change your experience of the world, by changing your perspective. Trust me when I say, someone always has it worse, so there are blessing to always be counted, and the more we can find to be grateful for, the more we will enjoy life.

So try looking for the good in situations even if they seem stretched. Maybe you were in a car accident, but no one is hurt and getting rushed to the hospital. The more blessings you count every day the bigger your smile will grow.

And until we shift as a "culture" from materialism and narcissism and injuring those from within our own tribe our experience with be rooted in negativity. I sincerely hope this happens, because suffering through life is no way to live.

[servant_36]

For me, I'm transgendered and being bitter has been a problem for me for years now. Alot of it stems from being told I'm "not a real man" or "not a real woman" or whatever, mainly by the gay community in my area, not from heterosexuals! Which baffled me to this day.

Now not all gays and people in the LGBTI community have been nasty. Not at all! But alot, mainly the masculine straight-acting [hate that term] men who feel it quite nessicary to slam a male girl, or who feel the need to rain on my parade n say hurtful things like "this is why people laugh at gays, cause of freaks like you".

So ya,...bitter...but I gotta remember and we all gotta remember being bitter is only good for one thing, and that's drawing attention and making stands in the face of poor judgement, but we can't let it rule out our lives. We know the gay community as opposed to the rest of the LGBTI community is FAR more critical of eachother, and practically lives in a segregated series of social boxes and loose definitions.

But yes....still a bit bitter, and also a lil jaded. Sometimes I think it would have been easier to NOT come out of the closet, or not get into social things, but meh...that's part of the experience, assholes and dealing with them. But ALOT of us transgendered people get a bad BAD rep from gays. We know ourselves often better than they know themselves.

But it's not about comparing who's had it worse, it's about support n respect on a basic level of good thought.

[mogwaicub]

You know, looking at the comments here a lot of guys appear to give reasons for their own bitterness, some of which happen to be a plea for sympathy, or pass it along as a cultural stereotype.

I have a few reasons to be bitter (hate my job, doubt I'll find a guy who actually gets me, need to lose weight) and some days I can get really down but I don't get bitter. I'm simply not interested.

Gay kids do have it differently, we tend to carry a fair bit of emotional baggage (as evidenced above) but how hard is it to just let go of that shit after we come out, the dust settles and it's time to actually go live our lives? We are responsible for our own actions, reactions and inactions. The circumstances of our lives are what we have to work with and it's the same for everyone else. Why bother inflicting that shit on other people? It's not funny or charming or interesting, it's just emotionally stunted and sad.

There's not lineup to get over one's self, the only cost is that little bitter security blanket.

[taili]

Am I the only Gay man over 50 that is happy with his life? Actually I know I am not! I have several close Gay friends that are also over 50 and I truly believe that they are happy as well - and deffinatly NOT bitter. Life is what you make it - and I have chosen to make mine happy! And for the record I was also the "queer" in school - and also overweight most of my life. But I choose to participate in life with a positive attitude for both my Gay friends, my straight friends and my family. I think they all accepted me because I showed them that I was enjoying live - being the Gay man that I was. So they were happy for me too and we were happy together. Do I ever get angry - YES! But justified anger turned into action is not bitterness!

[GSM79]

I have just finished reading all of the comments on this subject. I think everyone had valid points, but I find it a little sad to read on more than a few posts that some people were bitter because of their siblings or straight friends' ability to marry and have biological children. I get lonely sometimes too, I just turned 30 this year and feel I fall in the cusp of the "younger" and "older" generations. I have gone through hell for being gay, and have been very guarded and lonely for much of my life. However, at this point I am actually glad I am gay and out, and not in anyway expected to uphold societies expectations of a traditional family or even a "traditional" life. Even if I were straight I doubt I'd ever marry or have children. And my philosophy is, when encountering a bitter person (gay straight or otherwise), is to give them a chance, and if that negativity is just too much - move on. It is true that the people you surround yourself with in life influence your own behaviors and attitudes. I am quite sure that is the main reason self proclaimed bitter and even the "I'm not bitter I'm just sarcastic and nasty" types usually are alone. I also think, while important, feeding into these topics is only prolonging their relevance, setting a very bad example to those "young gays" who "feed off older men". Since things have gotten better for us, lets try to end all of this BS. Sure, life is hard for everyone. I could write a laundry list of all the bad things that have happened to me so far; but I choose to have a happy, productive and fun filled life - even after the dreaded 30. So we do have a choice in that we can be bitter old queens, or we can take the hand dealt to us and try our best to be happy and not try to bring others down with our negativity (and often hurtful treatment of others).

[Ron]

You want to know what makes a bitter gay man?? I'll tell you!
1) a father who has you convinced that you can do nothing right.
2) extended family that has held u at arms lengthu since you were born.
3) being made fun of and beaten all through school because you knew you were "different" .. just not sure why you were different.
4) finally growing up and realizing that what you called " different " is actually called being GAY!
5) trying to fit in with the " gay crowd" only to have to put up with "fierce queens" , snotty little stand and pose twinks in the bars, the alkies, the druggies,etc.
6) you wonder if there is actually anyone "normal" in the gay world.
7) you find your first partner, by the name of Doug Hillyer, who turns into a bitchy, lazy, drunken mess,who refuses to hold a job, but you stay with him for 16 yrs just because you dont want to be alone.
8) your dad dies and you're soooo greatful.
9) you meet your next partner, danny cline, who isnt a drunk but after a while u realize that he couldnt give a shit about you.. it's the money that he wants.
10) your mom dies and it tears you apart....no one cares or understands.
11) you have to have major surgery on your heart... friends and acquaintances all disappear...
12) you get made fun of yet again because you have a legitimate reason for not being able to work and colleccting disabity...but..every card carrying homo knows...the people on disability and welfare are the dregs of the earth!!!

HMMMMMMMMM wonder why I'm bitter!?

[Happy]

Bitter people are funny, I like to laugh at them and make them more bitter.

[Jack]

Most liberals are bitchy, and most gays are liberals. That's your answer.

[Marc]

Personally, I know bitter people, both straight and gay. Fortunately, I also know many who are not bitter and tend to try to focus my time with them. I do try to help my bitter friends see new ways to look at things and move on with their lives. However, for whatever reason, most seem unable or unwilling to move on. That includes my straight sister who has been a bitter, angry, manipulative person since we were children. Unfortunately, for my own health, I've had to distance myself from her, as have her children.

I have gone through many nasty situations in my 45 yrs--molestation, feeling unloved by my parents as a child, multiple life-threatening events and health problems, and lost loves--but I've made the choice to live my life with as much joy as possible and try to spread that. It doesn't mean that I don't have down times. We all do, but we have the option to decide not to let them control us.

[Ande7701]

There could be quit a few reasons as to why gay men are bitter. However, if you were to look at the type of gay man that is bitter, you would find him to be the farthest outside the gay archetype aka a "queen." Whether the gay community wants to admit is, we are NOT VERY accepting of men who display characteristics outside what is appropriate for men in our society. This causes many men to become "updatable" at a very young age which leads to bitterness.

If we wanted to see less bitter gay men in our community, we first must examine ourselves and start to fix the misogynistic gender binary existing in our community and stop requesting "masculine only" men.

**Additionally when you add this layer of discrimination within a minority community, "queen" or "Fem" gay men get to deal with all the hate coming from the majority plus discrimination within their own minority group plus any other minority group they exist in. This could easily make these men bitter at the world.

Thanks,
Ande7701

[snoopy]

Im not bitter....I'm just shocked and disappointed with gay men in general. You would think that in this age of hiv, there would be more men interested in a monogomous relationship. But strangely enough its completely the opposite. Men have become basically male whores fucking anything that has a hole. Tthats all they seem to care about. So I choose to remain alone.

[Laun]

I think the prevailing cause of a lot of all our disgruntled anger and betterness, is simply we are not accepted in society--I'm personally tired of this, I gay. I am not changing.

[Bil]

I was always told there's a 15 year gap between "bitchy" and "bitter". What's cute at 25 is obnoxious at 40. But in the "perpetual high school" of the gay male world what isn't cute at 25? And what isn't obnoxious about 40yo "old queen's"?

[warm in chicago]

They are upset with the world for one of the following:
1. not enough sex
2. turned by hot men when they ask for sex at the bar publically
3. just broke up with boyfriend, lover
4. hate their job
5. hate their family
6. hate their friends
7. sex is not fun or fulfilling
8. hate their hair
9. hate their body image
10. hate their clothes
That pretty much covers it!

So get over it already you bitter queens!

[Alex H]

I think most gay men who come off as bitter are doing one of two things: they are over compensating for a HUGE lack of self-esteem and/or they think that this is the way to behave if you're a diva (it's not diva behavior or likable in anyway).

Personally, I've encountered many gay men like this but I really turn the other cheek. Unless they are down right rude, then I let it go.

I don't want to behave like that but at the same time, I can see why some men react that way in public.

When we constantly see our community celebrating sex, youth and physical beauty over everything else--among other things--you do get a little peeved.

So I can see the temptation to be nasty, but I have found that by not being bitter and throwing shade, you actually become fabulous in the eyes of other people. They really want to be around you and that = popularity.

So all of you bitter people out there, take note: No one likes an a$$hole!

And as far as the worship of divas are concerned, I think the reason gay icons like Judy, Barbra, Diana, etc. have these huge gay followings is because they've each pushed through some incredible obstacles in their lives to become who they've become. And that's something we not only admire but have in common with them.

[Kefka420Beta]

As a male gay teenager i think that it is hard to come across another GAY man that truely cares or understands how you think or interpret reality. Btw bi's guys kill a real gay man's self esteem and hopes of feeling as sexy and desired as some bimbo super model the gay average joe is under credited. loyality is lost and when i turn 18 I fear of being some guys fuck toy cause then he'll go get a new one it's bullshit so yeah i think can atleast understand why some gays are bitter I sure am in a sense that i dont think gay 'sex' as the core of my happiness i just want some one to dance with to bake brownies for and to go on bike rides and spend a night on a porch while its raining and playing a game of chess or smoke a bowl and share thoughts that were never talked about. i was never able to express my inner child due to the fact i would be ridiculed or made fun of or they look at me as if i were a nut job. so maybe bitterness is just our inner child crying for fun for acceptance for secruity to look into a mirror and think and feel as if you have a part in this to make you and others happpy instead most people never had soemone to brightin up their day and tell them that theirs flaws only make them stronger

to have someone to simiply relate with and say i love your hairy arms or that i really enjoy the way you say my name and be super-fecial with them like st8 people due all the time everywere and anywere you go. it would be nice to talk about "your" personal life openly as if it were no big deal or have some one say "oh my god i so know what you mean" no you kinda don't Mr. and Mrs st8 your not gay. I know my logic and spelling are flawed but atleast i know that it is and thats half the battle

So in all good respect gays atleast in the past generations and present for a majority of the sexual minorites its kinda hard not to be bitter every full moon or when life has never seemed so simply
un-garbable its hard to take life by the hands if you dont have one so buy a life on ebay there 69.00 bucks lol if you can laugh at that i would say your in good shape

I would rather have my low self esteem then be some bitch that cant appreciate a simple conversation that they can relate with

I would kill to have a good talk with a GUY about how it hurts when a guy leaves you for an ugly ass girl or how ugly a vagina really is to me or how uneducated i am about tools and machines

[antonio]

Gay people are in exile. We can either be angry and bitter about it or embrace the exile as gay psychiatrist, richard fortunato writes in his somewhat old but fabulous book, Embracing the Exile.
My purpose is not to offer glib and snappy "solutions" to bitterness.There is obviously a lot we gay people could be bitter about.
When I am in Vancouver (I'm from California)I sometimes go to the Rainbow Community Church. LIttle bitterness is reflected in the faces or behavior of the core members who really get into the Pentecostal style. But there are a number, usually older who have bitterness stamped into their faces with behavior that makes me very sad and even frightened that it could happen to me.

Bitterness is the emotional side of Disappointment--
- Things disappoint us
- Events Disappoint us
- People Disappoint us

The Reasons for Disappointment--
- Unmet Expectations
- Unpleasant Experiences
- Unfulfilled Desire

If we, gay people, EXPECT cultures are ever going to fully accept us, honor us and our partnerships, devote the lavish fortunes on keeping our boats afloat as they do for our straight bros and sis's, those expectations will always be unmet,and bitterness can follow.

The same applies to the other above reasons.
But perhaps we can be grateful that we are not part of that often stifling,which can be,in the long run, often equally disappointing. There is an excitement to being an outsider and we have this glorious opportunity to build a culture not based on gender-power, sexism and violence.
They can run us out of their religions but they can't touch our ancient spirituality. We have a rich opportunity for having a more meaningful and honest spirituality--I am Roman Catholic. I know I and my lover (we're married) will never be accepted but I am deeply into Abraham-Hicks(Law of attraction)which I integrate nicely with what I can preserve of the religion of my youth.
None of my ways may work for you but one thing is certain, there is no way around it, you can either gnaw on your own foot into eternity or accept what can be a refreshing (sometimes) exile.
Love to all--at least read Fortunato

[Tim Strange]

Speaking as a somewhat bitter gay man myself, I think I can understand a little of what makes us that way. Personally, I am the totally non-stereotypical gay guy. I don't wear designer clothes, I don't get manicure/pedicures. I do like to dress nice when going out, but that usually includes a solid button down shirt, a pair of slacks, and my nice pair of Doc Martins. I don't really like to dance and I mainly drink beer. What I have noticed is that other more flambouant gay men (at least in this town) are not interested in men attracted to other men. They want girly efeminant men who worry too much about their hair, or how they are dressed. I actaully met this guy when I first moved to this small Texas town and he told me that I was good looking and had a great personality, but if I wanted to be with him I would need to cut my hair, which is long, change the way I dressed, and lose weight. My point is simply this. To be honest enough with yourself to actually come out of the closet to those people you love requires a large amount of self-worth. We say we do it because we want to be ourselves and stop lying to eveyone around us. Why then would I have to change who I am to be accepted by other gay men. That makes me bitter, and a little angry. I can't find anyone out there because I fly below the "gaydar" and because when I do approach guys who catch my attention, I am not "gay" enough for them. Is the message that we need to send to other gay guys? That you need to come out to be yourself, but you need to totally change everything about yourself to be accepted by others in the community?

[Hypnotoad72]

This is a very complex subject.

Some are cheated on in life, because others decided it was okay to sleep around with other people.

Some can't get a date - does it matter why?

Others say "You need to get laid", and typical liberals as they are can't be bothered to help. Only tell others what to do.

Support LTRs? Get called "devolved" by purported "peers".

"Just be happy with yourself, love will come". Plenty of people ARE happy in their lives. So why doesn't love knock at the front door, so the cliche claims?

Scott R, a few posts above, hit the nail on the head. I envy him for being able to post to eloquently; a lot of us are on the same wavelength. (though each person has various sexual preferences, some choices our "community" condones is the real problem. People have forgotten that if you see people in a relationship, don't try to get the one you want to cheat and ruin their partnership/marriage/whatnot. People just don't think of others anymore. And especially with the increasingly ageist slant in the media, it's only going to get worse unless people remember what TRUE communities are all about.)

Good luck to us all.

[Hypnotoad72]

Posted by: Toph | June 20, 2009 at 06:35 PM

Toph, I genuinely am sorry for what you've gone through. It's a shame.

Especially as our "community" claims to want civil unions ("marriage"), our community has forgotten the meaning - if it ever understood THE meaning.

At least we're not republicans - who claim they are community and family-friendly and, in reality, are the polar opposite.