The View Asks "Son, Are You Gay"

Should parents ask their kids if they are gay? The ladies of The View take on that question. What do you think is the right answer?

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Comments

[Brian M]

A parent has to have layed the ground work for such a question. A child has to know from previous experience that that behavior is ok with the parent. The child has to have an understanding that the parent will love and accept the child no matter what the answer. Then when the opportunity arises for a frank discussion should that question be asked.

[Justin]

My mom had her suspicions, but never asked because of the possibility that she was wrong. So I dunno, I say let them come out on their terms, but drop hints that let them know you are okay with it.

[Austin S.]

You shouldn't ask your child if they're gay when they're 7.

They haven't had a chance to explore that possibility.

[Brian]

I'm glad to see this kind of issue is being brought to light. Parents need to be prepared and understanding for whatever answer is given. There is still some fear out there about what would happen if the parents found out they were gay. Kids are becoming more and more open about this type of things with their friends because they want to be accepted and friends would more likely be understanding. If parents were brought into that circle too, it would be better for everyone. The child can trust the parent. Parent can be more understanding to the child's situation and would improve on the parent/child relationship in the long run.

[Evan L.]

It's far more important, as Brian M said, for the parents to lay a foundation for which such a question could be asked. In reality, if parents display positive allyship to LGBT people by denouncing hateful speech or promoting LGBT rights at the dinner table or with friends, the question doesn't even really need to be asked. Theoretically, providing that safe space for the child will give that child agency and comfort to come out with little fear of rejection... and by not asking, yet providing that comforting space, the parents give the child free reign over when it's appropriate and comfortable to come out.

... this model, of course, only applies to parents that are fully supportive.

[Brandon Sills]

my mom asked me the day of my 18th birthday. didn't even have any time to prepare for the question. just got blindsided. the result was being kicked out twice and then abandoned twice (a.k.a. being homeless twice).

the lengths and severity of the situation can be fatal. parents should understand to just back the fuck up and let the kid decide. have your suspicions until you hear it from the horse's mouth or anus. until then, just back the fuck off.

[l3unny_l3oi]

Theres a lot of prosesses both the parents and the child will have to go through first.

The parents need to accept that their child might be gay. Just as the child needs to accept the fact that he or she is gay.

Then comes the prosess where the parents need to let the child know its ok (or not, but then its a whole diff discussion)

In my opinion the parents should not ask at all, but wait for the child to come to them and tell. If the child is not ready to tell, then their mental issue might get far more severe.

Dont push a child to do or say something they dont want to!

[Rick D]

I dream of that day when asking anyone if he's gay would be as absurd as asking him if he's straight. Or carry as much significance as finding out how someone prefers to eat an Oreo cookie.

[Kevin Handy]

In my case my mother already knew. I think it depends on the parents. Some parents ask because homophobia demands they know so they can toss their kid out into the streets. Some parents have deep-seeded anguish about their children with or without their sexuality and so the results can be disastrous. I think for every kid the answer is different. They know whether or not their parents have provided them with a safe place to broach the subject. I think the safest thing with kids is to give them a support system and have them talk with other kids and qualified adults who care about them. In some cases no harm, no foul - in others it could be a kid's body or life that is at stake. Or worse they could lose their home. People who have parents like my mom would have no worries - but I have heard horror stories and some adults are terribly repressed and troubled themselves - telling someone who is judgmental and hateful to begin with just invites an angry response. A kid knows his parent best. But not always their response. Chastity Bono had quite different experiences from her perceptions from her parents when she came out. That does happen. Cher initially flipped out.

[Cameron]

Let the kids come out at their own pace. My mum kept dropping hints, but I wasn't ready to come out to her, then she got upset when I did, because I didnt take advantage of her chances to tell her.

[Jason P.]

YES, YES, YES! A parent should ask if their child is Gay. Even if the child is GROWN!

Let me tell you why I believe this.

I came out when I was 17. I was terrified to tell anyone except my Grandparents. Everyone else KNEW I was Gay. They just assumed I would tell them In my own time. Finally after a few years of depression I told them... They said.. "we knew!" "Was it bothering you that bad?" My life would have been MUCH better had they asked.

Furthermore. My Partner is 41. He isn't out to his family simply because "They haven't asked me if I'm gay" He say's.
His fear is that he wont be accepted. So he will forever remian closeted Because No One will speak up!

I agree HE should be the one to come out.
But If Parents would ASK. People would really have NO MORE EXCUSES to stay closeted.

And it's 2009. Nobody should be closeted.

XOXO

[Kevin]

I think there are a lot of different aspects that go into this question. As another person already commented, there has to be a foundation before the question can even be suggested. Parents, in general, need to address their personal beliefs on homosexuality and determine whether or not they could be comfortable and fully supportive if their child is, in fact, homosexual.

I think sometimes parents are so eager to know about their child's sexuality based on "suspicions" that they overlook how it may effect them personally. Some parents take offense to it and blame themselves (something I personally never understood) so it's essential for them to anticipate the answer whether it is what they expected or not.

Support is the absolute basis for any relationship with a child- no matter what instance comes about. You have to be loving and supportive no matter what. After all, they're still your child no matter what preference they have.

Ultimately, though, I think it's up to the child to say when they think it's time to sit down and openly discuss sexuality with their parents. If you provide them with a supportive environment and keep an open relationship, children will feel comfortable enough to approach you and talk. As parents, it's all about opening up, listening, and being supportive.

[Xavier]

I was wondering if any of you had seen the French movie "Ma vie en rose" (2007)? This movie is about a boy's (Ludovic) discovery of the numerous dualities that our society creates with sexuality and gender.

I personally believe that a child should have the ability to come out to his/her parents on their own terms. However if parents want an "open dialogue" where they can talk to their child about any topic, they need to foster that space at a young age.

[Danie]

My mother actually did ask me when I was 15 if I was gay and I lied to her. When I was a few years younger, she stated that she would never allow a homosexual to live in her house. So go figure that I would lie about it.

[Merv]

My mom asked me when I was 13 or 14 and I gave some weak, nebulous answer and she was cool with that. Turns out that I never had to officially come out to my family and it was extremely easy for me to simply be openly gay after a while. However, I've heard some extremely gruesome coming out stories, and I'm glad that I had it easy. So, I'd say that it depends on the parent and the child, and how open they are with one another. I now have adult friends (whose parents I've met - and am happy they're not my folks) who'd never come out to their parents and one in particular, who's so deep in the closet that he's positively in Narnia!

[jamestown,ny]

i came out 10 years ago this month and it was the best choice i ever made. granted there were a few rough patches but the shocking news got old as all news tents to do and i would say my mom is 95 percent accepting now. i had a computer smashed by my mom and another one by my brother and i had to deal with the fag comments and what would people think. all is good now and i say the sooner you come out the better. for any parent that kicks their child out of the house becouse of their sexuality SHAME ON YOU! i belive parents in a lite way should ask and keep an open mind about it!

[Tim]

do parents ask their children if they are straight? NO. so why do we have to ask our children if they are gay? i would hope most parents would love their children no matter what so why is there a need to ask them. let them tell you and leave it open to them. just my view.

[Justin]

It's so easy for people to say "Let the kid come out." But even if a parent is loving, the child still might feel ashamed based on the social-norms of society. It is not as normal to see a gay couple in public than a straight couple. Even though parents may love them no matter what, the kid might not think that. It's a mind game. For a parent to let the kid know that it is o.k. to be gay might be the nudge for the kid to come out on their own. It doesnt necessarily need to be a direct question. If a kid feels that it is normal and they are not weird or alone then they might be more willing to come out

[Brian]

It's a precarious situation. One the one hand, I was asked as a teenager but since I wasn't ready to admit it myself I sure wasn't going to tell my family. As I have gotten older and more comfortable, I have no problem telling the truth when asked but I still don't want to sit someone down and have that talk with them. At the same time, I'm sure people have wanted to ask me but thought it was probably inappropriate. If they only knew that I would rather them ask!

[Gary]

My experience was I came home from high school regularly in tears because I couldn't understand what to do about who I was and despite my parents knowing the issue was related to a boy

they swept things under the carpet.

I was asked by my brother, I denied it and nothing was ever said.

Open dialogue is important because I felt the block and dark screen of intolerance. Thusly I don't live anywhere near family.

[Excite]

A better set of questions:

Does/did yr parent punch you at age...
Does/did yr parent belittle/rage over yr honest answers...
Does/did yr parent feel the need to control people...
Has yr parent already toss out one sibling for changing religious/political/music affiliations?

Then the answer is definitely NO.

Don't tell, Don't come out and Don't answer honestly.

Not answering honestly can protect you, help you get out alive with employable skills, friends and away from the street.

Parents telegraph what they'll accept and they won't accept. We have a throwaway society and mindset in America.

Kids need to be aware of that.

[Texxphillips]

One thing everyone needs to understand is "why" are the parents asking? Is it to fulfill their own personal curiosity or is it because the child has somehow hinted that they are trying to tell them something important? No child should be forced to come out of the closet when they are young because not all kids have figured out what their feelings are at that point. The parent's job is only to verbalize that it is safe to come out of the closet, if they ever feel the need to do so and also show, with their actions, that the home is a non-judgemental place, be it with any topic (race, gender, class, age, etc).

[Trent Fairbury]

The problem with a Straight parent asking is basically they don't have the experience or knowledge (In most cases) to not blow the opportunity to be supportive and helpful,..If a parent did have that ability, I'd say fine, ask, but why should anyone put pressure on a child in any way to force or push the issue, as many are looking within themselves for that choice and my not even be ready to make the leap themselves to accept what they are.

Is it a parents' right to ask? No. of all the things that is in the parental rights ballpark, this is one area that parents really should not place as being their business in terms of a child. It's a great thing to educate and teach and support, but to press for the conceptual part of the adult that is in that child is influenced by the parent, and I would say that making it a parental right infringes on the child's right to some privacy at self- determination.

Very often, being the "adult" in a parent-child relationship means that you lead by example, and in this case, the best way to lead is to follow and allow the child a chance to post their opinion to you, not force an inquisition on them. I'd say the best approach is one of "If you'd like to discuss the choice of sexuality and lifestyle, I will be ready to listen and help." Aside from that approach, anything requesting identification or decision is inappropriate and probably a great deal more traumatic than is necessary.

[oldkingtroll]

As usual, the bottom line is: it depends.

However, that the question is being asked at all speaks to how far we've come since I was of an age where my parents might have asked me. To me, the fact that this question is being discussed on television among women who are respected by many parents of young kids suggests that the new generation of kids will have an easier time of coming out than I did. THAT is hopeful.

[Robert]

Finally I see some very enlightened thoughts to a topic. I agree it's best to show support of the GLBT community and denouncing hateful speech. But if a kid is not ready to come out, they will probably pull away even more if asked. Show your kids unconditional love & that you will be supportive of them, they will know exactly where to go to get support.

[DoseOfReality]

Mom/dad, have you ever had an STD before? If so, how did you catch it?
Am I adopted? Have you ever cheated on mom/dad before? Doesn't smiling in our neighbors' faces and then talking about them like dogs when they leave our house make you guys hypocrites? Mom, doesn't bringing home office supplies from work make you a thief?

See my point yet? If not, read on...

Yes, parents should be able to ask their children anything. But they should be able to ask their parents anything as well...and expect an honest answer. It's a two-way street! Part of the reason why children don't talk to their parents is because too often they hear "I'm the adult, and you're the child, so I don't have to answer your questions."

Sure, you can ask me if I'm gay, but be prepared to explain those office supplies with your company logo on them that keep appearing here at the house!!

[Trent Fairbury]

Lastly, I think you should consider, is it ok for a child to ask their parent if they are gay? What is a good reason to ask? Maybe it's more important to ask yourself "Why am I asking about sexuality, anyway?" is it through curiosity, a nurturing care and support,... Why, when, and for what reasons is it ever appropriate to ask anyone, rather than have that person inform you?

[swim_r]

The key does come down to why is a parent asking... assuming it's not for bad reasons... If kids are in high school or college or older, ASK THEM! If a parent can't ask, chances are the communication channels aren't strong enough for the kid to come to go to the parent! Then again, gay in 2009 is a lot different than 1999 or 1989...

[Lou]

My mom continuously asked me when i wasn't ready for it and it was very difficult for me to deal with so I think they shouldn't ask

[Jacque]

I guess I really don't understand how bad some had it when coming out, when I was 11 I started the process I told my friends first I lost a couple but gain a few more then I told my parents and my mother said "I have always known you were special" fast forward to present day I'm 30 yrs old and watching people still waiting to come out who are older then I am and are messed up emotionally because of it. If we as a society are going to gain any ground we need to educate parents to show unconditional love to those children so they can be honest with themselves and others. I hate to talk about stereotypes but all to often I see gay men who lie and hide so many parts of themselves and it all started when they hid their sexuality as children it can snowball into hiding so much more that they can't even be honest with themselves. And just remember when you come out to your family it took time it will also take time for them to "come out" to you as loving parents of a gay child.

[Mitch]

It all depends on the situation and why they want to know. I would hope in today's society that coming out stories would be less gruesome than they have been. I was lucky, no, fortunate to have had an amazing support structure in place. I also came out as an adult. Kudos to the younger set who come out early. They're stacked with more courage than they think!

[Mitch]

It all depends on the situation and why they want to know. I would hope in today's society that coming out stories would be less gruesome than they have been. I was lucky, no, fortunate to have had an amazing support structure in place. I also came out as an adult. Kudos to the younger set who come out early. They're stacked with more courage than they think!

[Daniel]

I'd say let the kid come out on his/her own time. Even if we 'think' we know, by their actions, let them know that 'we as parents' love them for 'who they are, and not by their actions.

[chamo]

i never had a desire to play with girly toys when i was a boy. i liked toy trucks, remote control cars, and football. i was never a sissy. but i always knew i was gay. my brother enjoyed playing with my sisters more and is straight. not all boys that are gay play with girly things. another stereotype.

[Ryan]

Well, as long as they don't ask like mine did years ago. "Your not gay are you?" Because that will never work!
My mom, after I did tell her, said "why didn't you tell me when I asked". I was due to the way she asked. But if the parent is going to be open, loving and accepting, I would have welcomed the question earlier on!

[Andy S]

I think it really depends on where the child is in accepting themselves, and how the parent asks. For example, I wasn't okay with myself until around 17. When I was 15, I had looked at a gay porn site, and my parents found out. At that point, my mom asked, "Are you queer?"

At the time, I knew far more about computers than they did, and managed to trick them into believing it was some virus or something. At any rate, the way she worded it was horrible, and it probably was why I wasn't okay with myself and didn't come out till 17 to everyone but my family, and didn't come out to my family till I was 22. I'm 26 now, and I am completely secure with my own sexuality. My parents, however, just don't talk about it at all. If parents are going to ask, they need to plan it out first, and make sure that they ask it properly, at the right time, and be prepared for them to answer either way.

[Ian]

i think parents should ask but, at the same time they should not. if you have an open talkative relationship with your child then by all means ask. but if you dont have that kind of a relationship it can turn into a fight and half.

[sirald66]

Coming out to Dad went well, eventually. Coming out to Mom was unfortunately premature but necessary due to a stalker harassing not only me, but all my family and friends.

Parents are in a position of responsibility (and hopefully love) to their child; if they are not mature enough to handle the answer, they shouldn't ask.

Another example of how religion is evil, when it trumps your own children.

[John Sebastian]

Scary thing is how old are you when in the Boy Scouts? who is watching, looking and telling... not aa nice world we live in

[Luke]

Personally I think asking a child is worng but if u have suspicions and you are ok with it as a parent with your child being gay that should not be an issue the biggest thing is stressing the point that it is ok that the child be who they are be it straight, gay, bi, or transgendered but if the parent is afraid to know the answer or wants it as confermation to expell the child from their home then I don't condone questioning a child's sexuality it's not healtghy for anyone.

[EB]

Actually I was resentful at my mom for a long time for getting in my face about it. However, she was careful, she wasn't actually "in my face." Also, had she never asked I would have stayed in the closet and secretly seen my boyfriend and gone behind her back on a lot of things. It helped me come out, really. I guess it was for the best.

[venicescorpion]

If they ask, because they want to support their child, Yes! Yes!, Yes! At the age of 50, but still looking damn fine! LOL, I still wonder what my teens and twenties would have been like had someone been there to support and guide me. Instead I fumbled through life trying to understand who I was, while hiding my true self t the same time. It's difficult to discover who you are when you are terrified those you love may find out and disapprove. My brothers (who are straight) were given that unconditional support, why shouldn't i have received the same. I think my parents and I both missed out by having been denied those memories. When I first fell in love with a man I was at once elated with this strange new feeling and at the same time felt that familiar icy fear in the pit of my stomach as I tried to come up with lies and justifications as to why I spent so much time with this new "friend". I should have been calling my parents overjoyed and happy letting then know I had met the "right" guy. And after we broke up I shouldn't have had to dry my tears alone and pretend I had a cold when my parents called so that wouldn't know I was crying again. Sooooo, yes ask and please be there to support your child cause no matter what you're their mom and dad and you have one hell of a courageous kid!

[stylistof08]

This is how I came out, or I was outed, whichever way you want. I found it was much, much easier this way. I was actually asked a first time and said, "I don't know." The second time, a couple weeks later, I said "Yes, I'm gay." My mother was very open minded about the situation. So was my dad after she told him.

[Kurt]

I am 43 and only out to friends. My mother asked me if I was gay when I was 25, but not in a way that left me free to answer honestly. At the time, I had a very close platonic relationship with a female friend, and as I had never been in love before, I still entertained the possibility that I might feel something more for my friend. So when my mother asked, "you're not gay, I hope?" I dutifully denied that the possibility existed.

[robi]

HAHAA!

I find it funny most of us think that the kids should come out on their own and yet we love to out every movie star or celebrity. In this instance it's just parents asking their kids not a blogger or magazine invading privacy. I think nothing if my parents would've asked me anymore than when anyone asks me if i'm gay.

[Pocasmx]

I believe that If there were no labels to the different expressions of love It would be easy to grow with an open mentality of acceptance and of who you are and trully knowing that no matter what u will be accepted and not judged, Then there would NOT be such Struggle in life ! Why as parents need to wait until certain age to start wondering Would my kid be gay? Why not start showing LOVE and Respect to all Individuals so there would be no reason to Act one way or another ! Love doesnt have gender or Sex. I know sounds cheesy but life would be way more easy if this message were deeply understood! Amen! Peace out !

[David]

parenthood is no place for hate, it is sad how many do

[Laun]

Parents should only ask if their child is open and willing to answer. It should never be forced out in the open and possible threat of nonacceptance and punishment. I was living in the south when I was 26 in 1996, I didn't have family around to party it up, just my good buds. They accepted and loved me. My folks who lived north and elsewhere were not there for a judgement call or opinion. I was on my own figuring things out. Now, mother came to visit and I thought I could comfortably break the news. She kinda kicked my leg under the table, which must have been her shock and disapproval. I never really said much about it after that. When I returned home up north after fifteen years living in the south, my folks up here noticed the earing in the left ear, some did not get it or accept it. With some its not a matter of acceptance and is understanding, they don't and no matter what is said they still have thier opinion. "Its just a phase", no the earing is still in the left ear for a reason. I haven't changed my mind no matter how much relatives and over religious folks seem to hit me over the head with condemnation. This is my life, I am gay and that's that.

[pete]

OF COURSE the parents can ask their kids anything! and I say again anything. the parents raised their chidren; the parents, in fact, have the right and obligation to ask their children anything such as their behaviors. This is crucial especially if the kids are still young. What's so wrong about "asking" the kids if they're gay?? (we're saying here "asking")

[Mark]

Dan Savage in a recent podcast answered a similar question dealing with an uncle and aunt who wanted to ask their nephew so they would know that they were supportive. Dan answered that they should not ask, because it may make the child paranoid that others could tell, and actually make things worse for the child, but that (as previously advised) they should introduce gay friends to the child, or bring up gay rights issues in front of the child, not directing the topic at the child, but simply letting the child be there and hear their support to lay a foundation of trust for the child to come out.