"Really? You Don't Look Gay"

Something funny happened the other day that I wanted to share.  I was on my lunch hour, paying for takeout at a nearby deli and the always friendly cashier was making small talk with me as she usually does.  But this time, she got more up close and personal, and the conversation went something like this:

Cashier: Are you excited for the weekend?

Me: Totally!  I am so glad it's Friday.

Cashier: What are you going to do?

Me: I really don't know yet, but I think I'm just going to play it by ear. 

Cashier:  Do you have kids?

Me: No, I don't have any.

Cashier: Are you married?

Me: No, I'm not married (Note: At this point, I wanted to just blurt out that I was gay simply for the fact that from the look on her face, I got paranoid that she was concluding that I was a straight woman who couldn’t “get a guy to commit.”  Even the thought of it was painful to me.)

Cashier: Do you have a boyfriend?

Me:  No, I don't have a boyfriend.  (Laughing) God, you must think I'm a loser, right?  But see, I'm gay.  And I have a girlfriend!

Cashier:  Oh my God, you're gay?  You don't look like a lesbian, you're so… pretty!  And funny!

Me:  That’s so funny! Thanks!

As I left the store, not only was I smiling because she thought I was "pretty and funny,” but I was also experiencing an odd sense of pride that she didn't think that I "looked like a lesbian."  

But my bolstered confidence quickly dropped after telling a gay co-worker the story back at the office, when he responded that he was offended for me.  He went on to say that if anyone ever told him that he didn’t "look gay," he would confront that person on “what do you think gay looks like?”

He definitely had a point, and it really got me thinking. Did the pride that I took in the cashier's compliment betray a subconscious shame that I felt in "looking like a lesbian?"  Was I so conditioned by popular culture to believe that lesbians were all mannish and humorless? 

Or was it something else, along the lines of internalized homophobia?  Could it be that I took a certain level of pride in being grouped with straight women who are not only glamorized in the media as idealized beauties, but also are what many of us are conditioned to see as plain old socially acceptable?  Did I want to be in with the in crowd?

In theory I am proud to call myself a lesbian, I like being attracted to women, and have tons of lesbian friends. But maybe in practice, just as gay men continue to put each other down for not conforming to masculine ideals, many of us, no matter how "butch" we are, continue to prize a more feminine, lipstick lesbian ideal of womanhood?

I don't know. Tell me what you think.  Have you ever experienced a similar pride in passing or "fitting in" in the straight world?  If so, why do you think that is?

Images courtesy Getty

Comments

[drdanfee]

Well I wouldn't be too hard on myself about this situation. I occasionally run across these sorts of dilemmas, too, as our society for some reason socializes us unconsciously to get even more presuppositional and guesses oriented when it comes to sex, life, and figuring out other people. When I can manage the fine balance, I usually respond to remarks about whether or not I look gay with ... gee I know my fashion stuff is all at the cleaners right now (if they tell me how non-gay I look), and/or ...gee thanks, I keep misplacing my gay man union card so it's nice to know that you aren't going to card me today. Either way, a lot of this exists in the eyes and mind of the beholder.

So far as mulling over your own socialization and possibly internal homophobia ... go for it, gently. We've all grown up in this weird USA culture mix, and whether homegrown or more international, the flavors available to paint pictures of who we queer folks are, are still either dark and dreary or garish and day-glo to the point of exhausting the color rods in our retinas.

But remember please, I'm not a card carrying gay union guy, so my comments must not be taken as official lingo or final rules. LOL

[marga]

This episode is a clear example of typical internalized homophobia. Your gay friend is right. I'd have told you the same. I'm a lesbian and I'm proud to look like a lesbian, if lesbian look different from straight women... In fact, I have nothing in common with straight women and don't want to have... not even the appearence.

[Magi]

I don't necessarily think this indicates any kind of homophobia. I believe that every person has masculine and feminine energy. As many psychological and spiritual groups believe, I believe the body is healthiest when it's in balance. Women who "look gay" typically have a more dominant masculine energy. The mass population is likely to be more accepting and/ or attracted to someone whose look and energy feels balanced. To each's own, you know? But don't beat yourself up for being proud of what you look like. We all want to be liked and accepted at some level. If you know who you are & you know who you like, I think you're doing just fine.

[Deni]

Hello. I'm a gay male. This happens to me frequently. I like the article because it got me thinking. I find it flattering when girls hit on me or co workers are shocked to find out I'm dating a guy. Maybe its a guy thing but I like being a guy and being masculine. I like being with guys who are masculine. The part that gets me is the "look gay" and I think I might have asked her how can anyone look gay? We are all individuals that you can't stereotype.

[Ryan]

I have felt some kind of pride in passing, but only in some situations. I guess I'm kinda mean for it, but I get a kick out of turning down girls that come on to me because they think I'm straight, but then again I'm only doing to them what other straight men do to me, so I guess it's only fair.

[Jesus]

I would never understand this kind of things going on. Thanks god we now have, at least in Spain, great places to be together and to avoid this kind of situations that also occur with neighbours. It does exist a building called Aurea Park, located in Salou, Costa Dorada that is for gays. I have just discovered and I think it is a great idea for those who want a peaceful living. I leave you more information in case you want to know more: www.viviratumanera.com.

[wbnva]

Thanks for the topic, it's one that I have very strong opinions about based upon my personal experiences. I, too, fall into the category of 'mainstream gay man' and have had innumerous occasions of responding to "You're gay? Really? No way!" It's quite a dilemma because as a "regular average Joe" it seems I'm totally invisible within my own community as well as within the heterosexual world, who are used to only relating to negative, effeminate media stereotypes for recognition and who don't see me as gay either. That notoriety, on a positive note, has made me somewhat of a role model with my straight friends and co-workers; they appreciate exposure to a side of homosexuality that they have never experienced before, one generally not seen in the mainstream media; we 'regular' gays and lesbians who have no float or contingent in the annual Pride Parade because we are just so boring and unfabulous! It has fostered many positive dialogues on the issues of sexual orientation and I must say I am proud to have been the source of enlightenment or provided at least a balance to what they had been previously exposed to. Negative opinions are based upon fear and ignorance and any opportunity to dispel myths, educate with truth and redefine should be jumped on. There IS some truth to the notion of changing the world, one person at a time. But I have also been a positive influence on some of my fellow gay coworkers who see the amount of respect I have garnered with my honesty and openness about who I am and my ability to have total respect for others. However, for some of my gay friends, I remain an anomaly; "you mean you'd really rather watch football this Sunday afternoon then meet us for brunch, that’s soooo straight?" There is often subtle (unspoken) resentment because I am not readily 'recognizable', because I don't fit in, look gay, act gay, etc. etc. etc! But that's THEIR issue, their internalized homophobia that says gays are monolithic and we must all act, walk, talk and be the same. I personally never understood why gay men have allowed straight men to have the monopoly on masculinity. Why is being naturally masculine seen as 'selling out', 'posing', being labeled or characterized as "straight acting" in my own community? I'm not acting anything but me!! But because I'm more readily 'accepted' by society, it's a problem for those who are not. Is it fair? Hell no, but hey, I didn't make the rules! I'm just as comfortable talking Redskins football at the water cooler on a Monday morning with the guys as I am discussing last night's episode of Project Runway or Bridezillas with the girls. I am not nor will not be defined by my sexual orientation. I guess I have always considered myself blessed with individuality and not one to be "categorized for your convenience"! I totally disagree with the internalized homophobia aspect; I am beyond proud to be a gay man and one of the few homos who treat my fellow gay brothers and sisters, whether they be nelly queens or butch dykes, with the utmost love and respect as they are no different than me! My two cents!

[Kevin]

Wow, here's an issue I do feel strongly about, on the whole issue of stereotypes. I think I experience the obverse of this dilemma, to quote you "just as gay men continue to put each other down for not conforming to masculine ideals"... I can be very femenine looking sometimes (by choice) and am scorned for not being butch enough.

I have never come out to people in public, but I probably satisfy most of the gay stereotypes (whatever they are) so that I don't need to. I look "gay", whatever that means, really. I'm less concerned with what the general public thinks I am though, since I'm polite, dignified and pretty smart (if I myself says so!) and well spoken, I think that gives people a positive and attractive picture of what a gay person can be- if they don't like the picture, forget them. I am much more offended when being dragged down by other gays, who ruthlessly demand I wear fashion jeans! And t-shirts! And get my hair cut short! And on and on...
The odd awkward "complement" by an unassuming person in a store or the street doesn't hurt, I suppose that if they seemed to have meant well, then might as well smile and let it be. You can't solve the whole world's homophobia or it's lack of understanding, you can only be who you are. But to actively put so much effort behind avoiding any stereotype that all you're doing is copying everyone else, then it doesn't say much about the person inside.

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[Jeff]

I also don't look much like a lesbian, at least so I'm told.

[Dubai Escorts]

In Dubai homosexuality is illegal but you still have a thriving gay scene. I have mentioned your article to some Dubai Escorts who I know are gay and they say its not a bad thing not to look like a stereotype you are who you are not point changing the way you look to fit preconceived ideas. Be happy in your skin.

[PANTY BOY]

WELL
Its like this
we are all individuals FIRST not gay or straight or what ever.
there are gays who insist you cannot dress like a stereotype. the reason is clear they have internalized the rampant and venomous homophobia from the hard line right wing conservatives- if in a society that tolerates homosexuality, dressing "faggy" is not an issue. gays are constantly forced to remind THOSE sorts of gays WHO exactly it was at the stone wall riots that ran the mouths off, and it wasnt cowards , THOSE PEOPLE my friends are REAL MEN!
PANT-HOSE, LIPSTICK AND ALL!!!
grow up and eat it

[Jacque]

Hello. I'm only 19 and the majority of the people I meet see me as a young man, when in fact I am a young woman. This has never bothered me because I don't believe there should be a difference in masculine and feminine dress. On many occasions my fiance and I have been seen as a heterosexual couple. She fits the stereotype of a straight young woman. But we have no problems what so ever telling people that we are a lesbian couple. I do find it funny that when customers at my work call me sir or young man, my co-workers become offended for me. I don't mind being mistaken for a male but I still maintain my pride as a lesbian female.

[patel]

Hello

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I'm sure the cashier was surprised :)